墮落與傷害

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me， but I think she enjoyed it.

我給我的母親帶來了很多麻煩，但我覺得她樂在其中。

——Mark Twain馬克·吐溫

I was a rotten teenager. Not your average spoiled，not going to clean my room， getting an attitude because I'm 15 teenager. No， I was a lying， acid tonguedmonster， who realized early on that I could make things go my way with just a few minor adjustments. The writers for today's hottest soap opera could not have created a worse \"villainess\".

我過去是個(gè)墮落的青少年。受到了非同一般的溺愛，我從不用自己打掃房間，變得這么叛逆，只因?yàn)槲也?5歲。不，我是個(gè)愛撒謊的，尖酸刻薄的怪物，很早我就意識(shí)到只要稍做調(diào)整就能讓一切都順?biāo)煳乙狻？峙庐?dāng)今最火的泡沫劇編劇也沒能創(chuàng)造出比我更壞的“女惡棍”了。

For the most part， and on the outside， I was a good kid，a giggly tomboy who liked play sports and thrived on competition.

大多數(shù)時(shí)候，在外面，我是個(gè)好孩子，一個(gè)愛傻笑酷似男孩的女孩子，喜歡體育運(yùn)動(dòng)，比賽中精力旺盛。

Since I was perceptive enough to get some people to bend my way， it amazes me how long it look to realize how I was hurting so many of my closest friends by trying to control them; I also managed to sabotage， time and time again， the most precious relationship in my life: my relationship with my mother.

自從感覺我可以讓一些人屈從自己以來，我花了長(zhǎng)到令自己都驚訝的時(shí)間才意識(shí)到我傷害了那么多我最親近的朋友，就為了控制他們；我還成功地一次又一次地破壞了我生命中最寶貴的情感：我與母親的關(guān)系。

Even today， almost 10 years since the birth of the new I， my former behavior astonish me each time I reach into my memories. Hurtful comments cut and stung the people I cared most about. Acts of confusion and anger that seemed to rule my every move—all to make sure things went my way.

甚至到了我已經(jīng)改過自新近10年后的今天，每次回憶起我以前的所作所為，我還是會(huì)驚訝萬分。傷人的話刺傷了我最在乎的人的心。混亂與憤怒仿佛控制了我的每一步—— 一切就是為了確保所有事都按我的意愿進(jìn)行。

My mother， who gave birth to me at age 38 against her doctor's wishes， would cry to me，\"I waited so long for you， please don't push me away. I want to help you!\"

我的母親，38歲那年不聽醫(yī)生的囑咐生下了我，她總是哭著對(duì)我說：“我等了多久才等到你的到來啊，求你不要撇開我。我想要幫助你！”

I would reply with my best face of stone，\"I didn't ask for you! I never wanted you to care about me! Leave me alone and forget I ever lived!\"

我總是臉色鐵青地回答：“我又沒要求你那樣！我從不希望得到你的關(guān)心！離我遠(yuǎn)點(diǎn)，忘了我曾活在這世上！”

My mother began to believe I really meant it. My actions proved nothing less.

我的母親開始相信我的話不是說說而已。我的行為證明了一切。

I was mean and manipulative， trying to get my way at any cost. Like many young girls in high school， the boys whom I knew were off limits were always the first ones I had to date. Sneaking out of the house at all hours of the night just to prove I could do it. Juggling complex lies that were always on the verge of blowing up in my face.

我很卑鄙，控制欲很強(qiáng)，不惜付出任何代價(jià)想要讓一切順從我意。就像其他年輕的高中女孩一樣，那些我認(rèn)識(shí)的沒規(guī)沒矩的男孩成了我約會(huì)的首選。夜晚隨時(shí)偷偷溜出家門只是為了證明我能做得到。我的臉上隨時(shí)準(zhǔn)備玩弄出各種復(fù)雜的謊言。

Ironically， I wish I could say I had been heavy into drugs during that period of my life， swallowing mind-altering pills and smoking things that changed my personality， thus accounting for the terrible， razor-sharp words that came flying form my mouth. However， that was not the case. My only addiction was hatred; my only high was inflicting pain.

諷刺地說，我真希望我能說，在我生命中的那段時(shí)間，我曾染有很深的毒癮，吞食迷幻藥，吸食改變我本性的東西，才可以解釋為什么我那些糟糕、尖銳、刻薄的話會(huì)脫口而出。但那不是事實(shí)。我唯一的嗜好就是仇恨，唯一的快感就是制造傷痛。

But then I asked myself why. Why the need to hurt？And why the people I cared about the mother? I would drive myself mad with the entire whys until one day.

但之后我會(huì)問自己為什么。為什么需要去傷害？為什么還是我在乎的母親？總有一天我會(huì)被這所有的“為什么”逼瘋。

Lying awake the following night at the hospital， after an unsuccessful， gutless attempt to jump from a vehicle moving at 80 miles per hour， one thing stood out more than my shoes with no shoe laces. I didn't want to die.

第二天晚上我躺在醫(yī)院的床上，睡不著之前我試圖從一輛時(shí)速80公里的車上跳下去，但因我的怯懦而失敗了，比我沒有鞋帶的鞋還更重要的事是，我并不想死。

And I did not want to inflict any more pain on people to cover up what I was truly trying to hide myself: self-hatred. Self-hatred unleashed on everyone else.

而且我不想再給予別人任何傷害去掩飾我真正想要隱藏的自己：自我憎恨。自我的憎恨轉(zhuǎn)嫁到了每個(gè)人身上。

I saw my mother's pained face for the first time in years-warm， tired brown eyes filled with nothing but thanks for her daughter's new lease on life and love for the child she waited 38 years to bear.

我在母親常年溫暖的眼神中第一次看到了痛苦的臉色，憔悴的褐色的雙眼充滿了對(duì)她的女兒重生的感激和對(duì)她等了38年才生下的孩子的愛。

My first time encounters with unconditional love. What a powerful feeling！

我生命中第一次遭遇無條件的愛。這是多么強(qiáng)烈的感覺啊！

Despite all the lies I had told her， she still loved me. I cried on her lap for hours one afternoon and asked why she still loved me after all the horrible things I did to her. She just looked down at me， brushed the hair out of my face and said frankly，\"I don't know.\"

盡管我對(duì)她撒了謊，她仍然愛我。我趴在她的膝蓋上哭了整整一下午，問她為什么在我對(duì)她做了那么多可怕的事后，仍然愛我。她只是低下頭來看看我，幫我撥開垂在臉頰的頭發(fā)坦白地說道：“我不知道。”

A kind of smile penetrated her tears as the lines in her tested face told me all that I needed to know. I was her daughter， but more important， she was my mother. Not every rotten child is so lucky. Not every mother can be pushed to the limits I explored time and time again， and venture back with feelings of love.

一種微笑滲透進(jìn)她飽經(jīng)風(fēng)霜的臉上流淌的兩行淚水里，它向我講述了我想知道的一切。我是她的女兒，但最重要的是她是我的母親。不是每個(gè)墮落的小孩都如此幸運(yùn)。也不是每個(gè)母親都能一次次地被逼到極限并又勇敢地帶著愛回到原地。

Unconditional love is the most precious gift we can give. Being forgiven for the past is the most precious gift we can receive. I dare not say we could experience this pure love twice in one lifetime.

無條件的愛是我們能給予的最珍貴的禮物。過去所做的一切被原諒是我們能收到的最珍貴的禮物。我敢說我們不可能在一生中經(jīng)歷兩次這樣純凈的愛。

I was one of the lucky ones. I want to extend the gift my mother gave me to all the\"rotten teenagers\"in the world who are confused.

我是其中的幸運(yùn)兒之一。我想要把我母親給我的禮物散播給所有在這世界上感到迷茫的“墮落的青少年們”。

It's okay to feel pain， to need help， to feel love — just feel it without hiding. Come out from under the protective covers and take a breath of life.

感受痛苦，尋求幫助，感受愛都是好事，只需要毫無隱藏地去感受它們。從保護(hù)的軀殼中釋放出來，呼吸生活的新鮮氣息。

能說會(huì)用

rotten：

1. 腐敗的；變質(zhì)的

rotten eggs

腐臭的蛋

The fish is rotten; you must not eat it.

這魚已經(jīng)壞了，你千萬不能吃。

2. 邪惡的；腐朽的， 壞的；惡劣的

What a rotten weather!

多么惡劣的天氣！

How rotten for you!

你運(yùn)氣真壞！

◆編輯：夏天兒