高考作文習作點評（１４）

★2007年高考英語(湖南卷)作文題目

第二節 寫作(滿分25分)

假設你叫王平，李華是你的同窗好友，請根據下列要點，用英文給李華寫一篇畢業留言。

要點：1.簡要表述李華在你心目中的印象；

2.用一到兩個相關事例進行具體描述；

3.對李華表示美好的祝愿。

注意：1. 內容積極向上，語言連貫，結構完整。詞數120左右。

2. 不能寫成詩歌形式；不能使用真實姓名和學校名稱。

學生習作與點評

學生習作

Dear Li Hua，

1It a great pleasure of mine to have you as my best friend during the three years in high school.

Although 2the graduation is just around the corner， the image of how we met is still fresh in my mind. I clearly remember you were sitting next to me 3in the first day ofschool. In order to collect our background information， we were asked to fill out some forms. Just like the person you've known for three years， I always forgot some important details， 4and so I did. I left my pen at home and came to school with an empty bag. 5As a result， you passed me your pen even without my asking， and that's the way you 6are in the rest of our high school life， knowing what I 7need and always ready to help.

Do you remember the saying \"Friend is a same soul in two different bodies\" from Aristotle we learnt in our class? You are just like a twin brother 8of mine. I talked to you when I felt sad， when I was happy， when I encountered difficulties， 9when I succeeded， whenever I needed to express my feelings，you were always there， sharing my feelings.

Anyway， the college life is 10coming soon. I hope you 11to get in the school of your dreams， and have a happy moment there. Keep in touch， and I will miss you.

Yours truly，

Wang Ping

原文修改稿

Dear Li Hua，

It was a great pleasure to have you as my best friend during our three years in high school.

Although graduation is just around the corner， the image of how we met is still fresh in my mind. I clearly remember you were sitting next to me on the first day of school. In order to collect our background information， we were asked to fill out some forms. Just like the person you've known for three years， I forgot some important details. I left my pen at home and came to school with an empty bag. When I was looking for my pen， you passed me your pen even without me asking， and that's the way you were during the rest of our high school life， knowing what I needed and always ready to help.

Do you remember the saying \"Friends are the same soul in two different bodies\" from Aristotle we learnt in our class? You are just like a twin brother to me. I talked to you when I felt sad， when I was happy， when I encountered difficulties or when I succeeded. Whenever I needed to express my feelings， you were always there， sharing my feelings.

Anyway， the college life is rapidly approaching. I hope you get into the school of your dreams， and have a good time there. Keep in touch， and I will miss you.

Yours truly，

Wang Ping

整體點評

文章符合題目的要求，涵蓋了三個要點的內容。行文流暢，過渡自然，句式富于變化。作者不僅使用了很多復雜的句式結構，如讓步狀語從句(although the graduation is just around the corner...)、定語從句(Just like the person you've known for three years...)、分詞結構(...knowing what I need...)、排比結構(...when I felt sad， when I was happy， when I met difficulties...)，而且還使用了很多精彩的詞匯(組)和表達方式，如 around the corner、image is fresh in my mind、fill out the forms、encounter difficulties等等，體現了作者良好的語言功底。不足之處是出現了幾處語法錯誤，個別詞匯使用欠準確，如as a result (見難點分析5)。另外，這篇文章的字數超出了題目要求的范圍，應該嚴格控制在120詞左右。

難點分析

1. 這句話出現了語法錯誤，缺少be動詞was。另外，pleasure的固定搭配為“it is / was a pleasure for sb. to do sth.”。在這里，也可以去掉“of mine”，直接用“it was a great pleasure to...”就可以表達“(我)很高興……”的意思，避免重復。

2. 冠詞使用錯誤。這里“graduation”表示“畢業”，前面一般不用冠詞。

3. 介詞使用錯誤。表示“在具體的某一天”要用介詞on，而不是in。

4. “And so I did”多余，刪掉。前面說“我經常愛忘掉重要的信息”，后面直接舉例說明“我忘了帶筆”，語意上更加連貫。

5. “As a result”表示因果關系，但是文中的“我愛忘東西”和“你把筆遞給我”的因果關系并不明顯，所以此處用“as a result”不恰當。

6. 時態錯誤，“are”應該改成“were”。這個錯誤明顯是作者不細心造成的。

7. 時態錯誤，“need”應該用“needed”。這里need是個實義動詞。

8. 此處想要表達的意思是“對于我來說，你就像是我的孿生兄弟”，用“to me”表示“對于”，比 “of mine”表意更準確。

9. 多個句子并列時，最后一個分句前需加上連接詞“and”、“or”等，使句子結構更加完整。而“whenever”引導的句子結構和前面不能并列，因此前面用句號隔開，另起新句。

10. 原文中“come soon”意思上并沒有錯，但是修改稿中“rapidly approach”表意更形象，是更加地道的表達方法。

11. “Hope”作及物動詞，表示“希望，盼望，期待”等意時，表達方法是“hope to do sth.”或“hope sb. do sth.”，因此，原文中的“to”應刪去。

參考范文

Dear Li Hua，

It was a pleasure to know you and be your friend. Your excellent basketball skills， your kindness to other people 1as well as your strong sense of humor will be always in my mind.

You love sports and led our team to win the second place during the Basketball Contest organized by our school. However， what makes you popular among us is your willingness and readiness to help others. This April， our school organized a spring hike， 2during which I twisted my foot on the top of the hill， and 3it was you who immediately accompanied me down to the bottom of the hill to take a taxi to the hospital.

Time flies and we have to say good bye to our high school lives. I hope that you can be accepted into the school of your dreams and have a bright future!

Keep in touch!

Yours truly，

Wang Ping

參考句型

1. 在句中，表示“也”、“和”等意思時，除了可以用and，還可以用“as well as”來替換。若位于句末，則用“as well”替換。

2. 介詞提前的非限定性定語從句。

3.“It was you who...”為強調句。

有用的表達方式

1. pleasuren. 樂事，樂趣

搭配：It is a pleasure (for sb.) to do sth. 很高興做某事

To see you again is a pleasure.

It is a pleasure for me to write this letter to tell you how much I enjoyed my stay with your whole family last week. (2004遼寧)

2. around the corner 行將發生的，即將到來的

提示：around the corner = round the corner，這兩個詞組除了同學們比較熟悉的表面意思“在近處的”之外，還有“likely to happen soon”的意思。

Economic recovery is just around the corner. (《朗文當代高級英語辭典》)

3. freshadj. 新鮮的

提示：除了表示“(東西，空氣)新鮮的”之外，還可以表示“(記憶)鮮明的”或者“歷歷在目的”意思。

I wrote it down while the text was still fresh in my mind.

4. fill out 填寫(表格)

Imagine that you have decided to study abroad for a year. As part of the application， you have to fill out the form below.

5. as a result 結果

提示：一般用作語句間的連接詞，可以和consequently互換使用。

For about a century， French became the official language of English while Old English became the language of peasants. As a result， English words of politics and the law come from French rather than German. (2001全國)

6. the rest of 其余的

In the early 1970s， New Zealand kiwi fruit (獼猴桃) growers decided to work together and introduce this \"new\" fruit to the rest of the world.

7. encounter v. 遇到

Now Nepal(尼泊爾) has encountered difficulties and China will support it morally and in other fields.

8. approach v. 接近，臨近，即將到來

Winter vacation is approaching. I can't wait to go back home.

(注：未標明出處的例句均選自高中課本)