高考作文習(xí)作點評

★2008年高考英語(北京卷)作文題目

第四部分：書面表達(dá)(共兩節(jié)，35分)

第一節(jié)情景作文(20分)

假設(shè)你是紅星中學(xué)高三一班的學(xué)生李華，為校刊英語園地寫一篇題為“Our Spring Outing”的英文稿件。請根據(jù)以下四幅圖的先后順序，敘述上周你們班從準(zhǔn)備春游到春游結(jié)束的完整過程。

注意：詞數(shù)不少于60。

提示詞：游樂園 amusement park

垃圾箱 bin

學(xué)生習(xí)作與點評

學(xué)生習(xí)作

Our Spring Outing

Last week， our class had a discussion on where to 1go outing 2at the weekend. We had many ideas， such as going to the amusement park， 3go boating or go climbing， and so on. At last， we decided to 3go climbing.

4The next day was a sunny day. We 5carried with many food and had a good time during the climbing. However， when we reached 6at the top of the mountain， 7we found that there are so much rubbish around there， so we began to clear it up， and threw it8into the rubbish bin.

What a meaningful day it 9is!

原文修改稿

Our Spring Outing

Last week， our class had a discussion on where to go for a spring outing at (on) the weekend. We had many ideas such as going to the amusement park， going boating or going mountain climbing. At last， we decided to go mountain climbing.

It was sunny on Saturday. We carried much food with us and had a good time during the climbing. However， when we reached the top of the mountain， we found much rubbish around there， so we began to clear it up， and threw it into the recycling and non-recycling rubbish bins.

What a meaningful day it was!

整體點評

本文描述了四幅圖片的主要內(nèi)容：開會討論春游→爬山→發(fā)現(xiàn)垃圾→撿垃圾→將垃圾扔進(jìn)垃圾桶。作者運用了一些語句連接詞，如last week、at last、however等，使段落間的過渡和語句間的連接比較自然流暢。略顯不足的是，作者對于第四幅圖的描寫不夠充分，漏掉了垃圾桶上“可回收”和“不可回收”這一重要信息，應(yīng)補充出來(詳見難點分析8)。值得注意的是，作者需要進(jìn)一步加強英語基礎(chǔ)，避免出現(xiàn)低級語法錯誤，如時態(tài)錯誤(詳見難點分析9)和謂語單復(fù)數(shù)的使用錯誤(詳見難點分析5、7)。另外，作者還應(yīng)注意辨析及物動詞和不及物動詞在使用時的細(xì)微差別(詳見難點分析5、6)，進(jìn)一步加強用詞的準(zhǔn)確性。

難點分析

1. 此處的outing是一個名詞，意思是“短途旅游，遠(yuǎn)足”，與動詞go搭配時，正確的表達(dá)應(yīng)為“go for an outing(去遠(yuǎn)足)”。根據(jù)題意，這里應(yīng)該具體交代是春游(spring outing)，所以原文應(yīng)改為“go for a spring outing”。

2. 表達(dá)“在周末”這一意思時，英式英語和美式英語在介詞的搭配習(xí)慣上略有差別。英國人習(xí)慣用“at the weekend”，而美國人則常用“on the weekend”。寫作時，兩種表達(dá)都可以。

3. 這句話中，“going to the amusement park”、“go boating”和“go climbing”三者應(yīng)該是并列關(guān)系，是such as舉例說明的具體內(nèi)容，因此，三者在結(jié)構(gòu)上應(yīng)保持一致。同時，前文ideas是名詞，相應(yīng)地，“go boating”和“go climbing”也應(yīng)使用其動名詞形式，改為“going boating”和“going climbing”。另外，根據(jù)第二幅圖片可以判斷，文中應(yīng)表達(dá)的意思是“爬山”，而作者僅用“go climbing(攀爬)”，表意欠完整。應(yīng)改成“going climbing a mountain”或“going mountain climbing”。

4.此處用“the next day”表意不準(zhǔn)確。文章開頭說是“‘上周’討論決定‘周末’去爬山”，這里的“l(fā)ast week”并不能說明是“上周五”，所以此處用“the next day”也不能說明就是周末，與前文意思不符。所以，此處直接使用“on Saturday”或者“on Sunday”表意更為準(zhǔn)確，在邏輯關(guān)系上也與前文更加連貫。

5.這句話有兩處錯誤：首先，carry是及物動詞，后面應(yīng)直接跟名詞food，而food是不可數(shù)名詞，前面應(yīng)該用much修飾，所以這句話正確的表達(dá)應(yīng)為“we carried much food with us”。

6. 此處reach是一個及物動詞，后面直接跟“到達(dá)的地方”，所以應(yīng)去掉介詞at。或者也可以用詞組arrive at進(jìn)行同義替換，變成“when we arrived at the top of the mountain”。

7. 本文講述的是上周發(fā)生的事情，時態(tài)應(yīng)該用過去時；而rubbish是不可數(shù)名詞，謂語動詞應(yīng)該用單數(shù)形式，所以are應(yīng)改為was。另外，這句話可以表達(dá)得更簡潔，詳見修改稿。

8. 這里作者簡單地說“把垃圾扔進(jìn)了垃圾箱”并沒有完全表達(dá)圖片的內(nèi)容，應(yīng)將“把垃圾分類扔進(jìn)可回收和不可回收垃圾箱”這層意思補充完整。

9. 時態(tài)錯誤，應(yīng)將“is”改成“was”。

參考范文

Our Spring Outing

Last Wednesday， our class held a class meeting 1discussing when and where to go for the coming spring outing. My classmates were all very excited and proposed going boating， going to the amusement park， or climbing the mountain. Finally， we all agreed on mountain climbing on Friday.

Friday was a sunny day. We got up very early and reached the destination in about one hour. During the climbing， we all felt very relaxed and were pleased with the beautiful scenery， fresh air and the warm sunshine. However， when we arrived at the top of the mountain， we were astonished by the rubbish 2distributed around there. Without hesitation， we decided to clear it off. We picked up the empty bottles， banana peels， plastic bags and put them into the nearby recycling and non-recyling bins.

The spring outing was finished. 3Though we felt tired， we were happy!

參考句型

1. 現(xiàn)在分詞結(jié)構(gòu)作伴隨狀語。

2. 過去分詞作后置定語。

3. Though引導(dǎo)的讓步狀語從句。

有用的表達(dá)方式

1. proposev. 建議

搭配：propose doing sth.

In his speech he proposed that the UN should set up an emergency centre for the environment. (《朗文當(dāng)代高級英語辭典》)

The report also proposes extending the motorway. (《朗文當(dāng)代高級英語辭典》)

2. agree v. 同意

搭配：agree on sth. 對某事達(dá)成一致；agree with sb. 同意某人的觀點、意見等。

Read the passage and decide whether you agree with the writer.

They managed to agree on a date for the wedding. (《朗文當(dāng)代高級英語辭典》)

3. destination n. 目的地

Going on a trip to a far-away destination can be expensive and difficult. Fortunately， there are things you can do to avoid some of the most common problems.

Finding out more about the destination you have chosen is not only a good way to save money and avoid problems， it can also be a lot of fun.

4. astonishedadj. 驚訝的

同義詞：surprised；

shocked

The Moonstone is the most splendid gift to Rachel at her birthday party. All the guests are astonished by its size and rare beauty.

We were astonished to find the temple still in its original condition.

5. distribute v. 分散；分布

How people are distributed can also affect the education system.

Make sure the weight of the load is evenly distributed. (《朗文當(dāng)代高級英語辭典》)

6. separately adv. 分別地

They did arrive together， but I think they left separately. (《朗文當(dāng)代高級英語辭典》)

(注：未標(biāo)明出處的例句均選自高中課本)