２００８年１２月號“一起寫故事”征文點評

文章選登

A Letter to My Friend

Dear friend，

I don't know whether you still remember me. Luckily， I remember you. I don't forget you at all. How's everything going with you?

I really miss the old days which was in Beijing. I remember that we talked with each other on the bus on the way to the Great Wall. The traffic was too heavy， so we met each other while we were both watching the traffic map. When I saw you for the first time， I thought you must be a bad student because you had an unprofessional haircut. You seemed to know what I thought at that time， so you said to me with a smile: \"You seem to be quiet; you must be a good student. Where do you study?\" Exactly， I could bear anything except when other people said good words to me. As soon as I heard what you said， I said: \"I'm just so so， not very good. I always make mistakes in every subject.\"

I always speak so quickly that other people can hardly understand me. However， to my surprise， you understood me. You said the words I will never forget: \"You spoke too quickly， just like me. I thought I'd find something special in you. Can we become friends?\" I was too surprised to wait a second so I nodded my head even though I did not know what the friendship really meant. Just at that moment， I thought the valuable things would come to me soon. You told so many things to me; you told me what friends were， what you would do when loneliness came to you， etc.

Actually， I didn't understand all of them. But I knew what the feeling was， when you unloaded yourself to someone else.

In addition， I also learned a gold lesson from you when you told me to \"take what you want and throw the rest away.\" I will remember it forever.

In a word， thank you for everything. My journey was wonderful with you. I'm sure our friendship will improve step by step.

I wish you have a smile every day!

Your true friend，

Wang Jie

Adora點評

This piece was sincere and heartfelt， but in some areas unclear. The author occasionally used awkward word choice. I've outlined steps the author can take to revise his/her piece.

(本文作者在寫信時感情真摯，但有些地方用詞不當，具體修改建議詳見下文。)

Removing Words

精簡語言

Sometimes it's not a matter of the wrong word， but simply a problem of too many words. For example， in paragraph 2， the letter writer states， \"I really miss the old days which was in Beijing.\" To sound more natural， simply remove two words: \"which\" and \"was.\" The sentence becomes: \"I really miss the old days in Beijing.\" Similarly， the sentence， \"I wish you have a smile every day!\" can be shortened to: \"I wish you a smile every day!\"

(“言簡意賅”是好文章的基本要素之一。書信體中，簡明易懂的語言顯得尤為重要。)

Better Synonyms

同義替換

Some words are correct， but could still be replaced with better synonyms. For example the letter writer states， \"But I knew what the feeling was， when you unloaded yourself to someone else.\"

\"Unloaded\" implies unpleasant work. I would try replacing the word \"unloaded\" with \"unburdened\" or， even better， change the sentence to read， \"But I knew how you felt， when you spoke freely to another.\"

(寫作時，應注意辨析同義詞或近義詞之間的細微差別，使用最為貼切的詞句，準確傳達自己的意圖。)

Polite Word Choice

禮貌用語

Word choice is an incredibly important part of developing a warm， polite voice. The addition of a word or two can change the meaning of a sentence， making it infinitely1) more polite. For example， in the beginning of the letter， the writer states， \"Luckily， I remember you.\" This sounds as though the writer is bragging2). However， if you add \"Luckily for me， I remember you，\" the phrase compliments3) the reader instead of the writer. \"Luckily for me\" lets the reader know that the writer feels lucky to know him or her.

Similarly， the writer states， \"Just at that moment， I thought the valuable things would come to me soon.\" This sentence makes it sound as though the writer might have been mistaken in thinking the valuable things would come to him or her soon. If the word \"thought\" is changed to \"knew，\" then the sentence becomes a compliment to the reader and a positive statement about the friendship， which I think is what the writer originally intended.

For a third example， near the end of the letter， the writer states， \"I'm sure our friendship will improve step by step.\" \"Step by step\" sounds as though the friendship is a laborious4) project. If the phrase \"step by step\" is replaced with \"as the days pass，\" the overall message sounds more appealing5) and less like an unpleasant job or project. Also， in its original form， this sentence seems to imply that the friendship needs a lot of work. Some people might be offended by this implication. However， if you add the word \"only\" just before \"improve，\" you imply that the friendship is already great and can only get better. The final version would read: \"As the days pass， I'm sure our friendship will only improve.\"

(寫作中，不僅應注意詞句的意義，更應注重其感情色彩。書信體中，寫信人更應謹慎用語，才能準確“傳情達意”，避免產生不必要的誤會。)

Other Notes

其他注意事項

There are some words that should be corrected. For example， \"so so\" should be written \"so-so，\" \"a gold lesson\" should be \"a golden lesson.\"

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Vocabulary

1.infinitely [5InfInItlI] adv. 無限地；無窮地

2.brag [brA^] vi. 自夸，吹噓；吹牛

3.compliment [5kCmplIment] vt. n. 稱贊，贊美

4.laborious [lE5bC:rIEs] adj. 吃力的，進展困難的

5.appealing [E5pi:lIN] adj. 有感染力的；動人的；吸引人的