走出哥哥的影子

2009-01-01 00:00:00張玲

新東方英語·中學版 2009年4期

\"I read that article about your brother. Wow， he's so smart!\" As soon as the words came out， my friend caught her mistake. \"Oh， no... I mean， you're smart too. I didn't mean it like that!\"

\"Oh， I know. No worries1) .\"

“我讀了那篇關于你哥哥的報道。哇塞，他太聰明了！”一說出這話，我的朋友立刻意識到她說錯話了?！芭?，不……我的意思是，你也很聰明。我不是那種意思！”

“噢，我知道。沒事的。”

My response has become automatic. I've had this conversation many times over the years. It's no surprise that people notice my brother. He's perfect: water polo varsity letterman2)， gourmet3) chef， student body president and... The list goes on. I， on the other hand， am merely his little sister and I am nothing special.

Throughout elementary and middle school， we never really had a sibling4) rivalry because we had different interests. But when he began his high school， he began standing out and started bringing home trophies5) and awards. Meanwhile， I， an eighth grader， had a collection of Teen Vogue and boxes of notes from friends. Even at a school that overflows with highly involved overachievers6)， everyone knew him. Relatives began congratulating my brother nonstop， telling him， \"Chris， I'm so proud，\" then turned to me， \"So， Charlene. What have you been doing?\" People would always call me \"Chris Lee's little sister\" and then say to me， \"Your brother is so smart. Did you know that?\"

It was all in my face7)， yet I still just wanted to be more like him. So when I started my freshman year of high school， I felt I needed some incredible， unique extracurriculars8)， like my brother. I asked my brother for help and he sent me inspirational articles and this list on the website College Confidential titled \"Outstanding Extracurriculars.\" I couldn't believe what was on it: publication in national magazines or newspapers， organize a nationwide service project， start a nonprofit and raise $100，000， be a professional actor who has appeared in movies， big city theater or TV....

I felt I had wasted so much time in middle school and I needed to catch up or I'd end up a failure.

我的反應已經機械化了。這么多年來，像這樣的對話我遭遇了無數次。人們總是會關注我的哥哥，這一點也不足為怪。他太完美了：校水球隊的優秀隊員、美食大廚、學生會主席……他的頭銜不勝枚舉。而我，恰恰相反，只不過是他的妹妹，毫無特別之處。

整個小學和中學，我和哥哥從來沒有真正比過什么，因為我們有著不同的興趣愛好。但當他上高中后，他變得越來越出類拔萃、引人注目，開始把各種各樣的獎品與榮譽帶回家。而此時，我這個八年級學生，卻只知道收藏《少女時尚》雜志和一盒盒朋友們寫給我的紙條。哥哥的學校里有很多非常優秀的尖子生，但即使在這樣一所學校里，每個人都認識他。親戚們的夸贊聲不絕于耳，他們告訴哥哥：“克里斯，我們為你感到驕傲，”然后他們會轉向我：“那么，查倫，你都在做些什么呢？”人們總是稱呼我“克里斯·李的妹妹”，然后對我說：“你哥哥太聰明了。你以前知道他這么聰明嗎？”

這一切全都是當著我的面發生的，但盡管如此，我還是想向他看齊。因此，當我開始上高一時，我覺得我需要一些超酷的、與眾不同的課外活動，像哥哥那樣。我向哥哥求助，他送給我一些勵志的文章，還有名為“大學里的秘密”網站上列出的一個目錄，標題是“與眾不同的課外活動”。目錄的內容令我難以置信：在全國性雜志或報紙上發表文章，組織一次全國性的服務項目，啟動一項非營利活動并籌到10萬美金，成為一名職業演員，在電影、大城市的劇院或電視臺中露面……

我覺得我簡直荒廢了我的中學時光。現在，我需要迎頭趕上，否則將一事無成。

I tried hard 我竭盡全力

每天放學后，我都會花將近三個小時的時間，把《紐約時報》和《芝加哥論壇報》上的文章打印出來，拿鋼筆和橘黃色的熒光記號筆，仔細研讀每一個段落，并在空白處做筆記，注明這篇文章好在哪里。我還仔細研究過許多寫作比賽，希望到我自己參加這些比賽的時候，也能寫得這么好。甚至連這些寫作比賽是關于什么的都不重要。

找工作也這樣：我甚至考慮過編個假地址，能夠格做一名實習生，因為這一工作只提供給低收入家庭的學生?，F在我覺得這簡直太可怕了，但在當時，我只是一門心思地希望，我的大學申請簡歷內容越豐富越好——隨便什么都可以。

我還在高中尋找各種各樣的領導職位和活動。我在各種各樣的會議間奔波，所有的下午和周末都排滿了志愿者工作、網球比賽、樂隊排練……有時，我得到晚上9點才能回家。然后接著挑燈夜戰，寫文章或是趕作業，直到凌晨1點以后才休息。早晨6點鐘左右又得起床，即使周末也不例外，為的是我能有更多的時間去工作。

我開始難以入眠，因為我總是在想，我所做的還遠遠不夠，這讓我不堪重負。

Every day after school， I spent close to three hours printing out articles from The New York Times and Chicago Tribune and using my pen and my orange highlighter9) to dissect10) each paragraph， making notes in the margins about why the writing was effective. I wanted my writing to be good enough when I entered the essay contests I had researched. It didn't even matter what the contest was about.

And the same went for jobs: I even considered lying about my address so I could qualify for an internship that was available only to low-income students. Though I feel horrible about it now， I just wanted something—anything—to put as another line on my college resume.

I also looked for leadership positions and activities at my high school. I would go to meeting after meeting， and my afternoons and weekends were packed with volunteer work， tennis games， orchestra rehearsal and... On some days， I wouldn't come home until 9 p.m. I'd stay up past 1 a.m.， writing articles or trying to finish my homework. I would wake up around 6 in the morning， even on weekends， so I could have more time to work.

I started having trouble falling asleep because I would be stressed11) out thinking about how I needed to do more.

But I'd never measure up 但我卻永遠達不到標準

While I was struggling to achieve anything， my brother was achieving even more: he placed in the top three in the California State Science Fair， helped build a solar car and still had time to be nominated for prom12) king....

After every award he won or honor he received， he would tell me not to worry because he's older and has had more time. But I ignored him.

Time was exactly what I didn't have enough of and extracurriculars were a top priority13). I started canceling plans with my friends. Whenever I told my friends I couldn't go out with them， they'd ask \"Why?\" I would reply \"Because.\" I didn't want to give a full explanation because none of them could understand how competitive the world was. And I also secretly knew my friends were my competition for college and the future. With different priorities and interests than my friends， I was no longer as close to them. Problems， emotions， and friends were all just an inconvenience. Nothing but my work (and my brother's approval) mattered to me.

Then， the summer before my sophomore year， I came across an article in Imagine magazine about a student who thrived14) on the praise he received in high school. But when he went off to college， he started failing because he had little motivation to succeed without praise from others. I realized that though it was good that I had set high goals， my motives were all wrong. I was more interested in having the recognition than learning from the experience.

For two hours， I flipped through all my colorfully highlighted articles， folders of past essay contests， and resumes， thinking， \"How could I have been so desperate to achieve?\" I was so wrapped up in15) listening to my brother and trying to be my brother， I had failed to think about what I wanted.

在我努力想要取得一些成就的時候，哥哥取得了更多的成就：他在加利福尼亞州科學展覽會上位列三甲；協助制造了一輛太陽能汽車；此外，他還有時間參加班級舞會，被大家推選為舞會之王……

每一次他得獎或是獲得榮譽之后，他都會告訴我，不要擔心，他能取得這一切都是因為他比我年長，比我用的時間多。但我對他這些話充耳不聞。

我所缺少的恰恰就是時間，而課外活動又是當務之急。于是，我開始取消和朋友們的各種活動。每一次我告訴朋友們我不能和他們一起出去時，他們都要問“為什么?。俊蔽颐看味蓟卮稹拔矣形业脑??！蔽也幌虢忉尩媚敲辞宄?，因為他們全都無法理解這是個競爭多么激烈的世界。當然我私下里還認為，朋友們是我上大學的競爭對手，是我未來的競爭對手。由于和朋友們的興趣愛好、生活重心都不相同，我和他們變得越來越疏遠。對我來說，難題、感情、朋友，這些都只不過是小麻煩而已。只有我的“正事”(還有哥哥的認可)才是最重要的。

接著，在我上高二前的那個夏天，我偶然讀到了《想象》雜志上的一篇文章。文章是關于一個學生的，他在高中時經常被表揚，這些表揚使他意氣風發，一帆風順。但離開家上大學后，他的成績開始一路下滑，因為在大學里，缺少了別人對他的贊揚，他失去了成功的動力。我意識到，我給自己定了很高的目標并沒有錯，但我的出發點卻完全是錯的。因為我更在意的是得到別人的認可，而不是從這些經歷中學到些什么。

我花了整整兩個小時，把所有那些被我涂劃得五顏六色的文章，裝有以前參加過的寫作比賽文章的文件夾，還有我的各種履歷表，統統都翻了一遍。我邊翻邊想：“我怎么會如此急于求成？”我對哥哥說的一切都頂禮膜拜，努力想成為和哥哥一樣優秀的人，但我卻沒仔細想想自己想要些什么。

I realized what mattered to me 我終于明白對我來說什么才是重要的

不久后，我給《想象》雜志的編輯寫了封信，告訴他這篇文章是如何使我重新思考自己希望獲得成功的動機的。兩周后，我收到了一封電子郵件，告訴我他們希望能發表我的這封信。我把自己的想法寄出時，完全沒想過去發表——我只是想讓這位作者知道，她的文章給了我多么大的幫助。我意識到熱情的確非常重要。但更有意思的是：自己心靈的頓悟遠比真的有作品在國內發表更令我感到興奮，盡管后者曾是我高中時代最大的夢想。

我覺得有必要把我的活動分出個輕重緩急，因為我不可能面面俱到。這么做了以后，我終于找到時間去做那些我真正喜歡做的事情了。我開始給一家在線兒童文學雜志做編輯工作。我開始自己動手烤面包、攝影——盡管這些都不能豐富我的履歷表。

以前，我想要的只是完成某件事后所帶來的榮譽。我想那樣我就可以說：“嗨！大家瞧，這些事我能做到，但我哥哥沒做到！”我希望自己不用努力就可以得到稱贊。我希望稱贊來得輕而易舉，就像哥哥一樣。但我終于意識到，這并非易事，而哥哥的確付出了努力。稱贊應當是對一個人努力工作的獎勵。但我明白，你的努力帶給你的回報并不是取得多大的成績——而是在此過程中獲得的經驗與學到的知識。

盡管現在做決定時，我還是總忍不住感到需要哥哥的認可，但我在努力獨自解決問題。如今，我真心地感謝哥哥。當他被哈佛大學錄取時，我的第一反應不是“現在，我的目標也是必須要進哈佛”，而是“做哈佛學生的妹妹，我驕傲！”現在，我們之間不再有競爭——我更像是自己和自己在競爭。

Afterward， I sent a letter to the editor of the Imagine about how the article made me rethink my motivations for wanting to achieve. Two weeks later， I received an e-mail saying the magazine wanted to publish my letter. When I sent in my opinion， I had no intention of getting published—I just wanted to let the writer know how much her words had helped me. I realized passion really does make a difference. But even more interesting: I was more excited about my epiphany16) than actually getting published nationally， which used to be my all-time high school dream.

I decided I needed to prioritize my activities because I couldn't do it all. After prioritizing， I found time to do things I genuinely liked. I began working as an editor at an online children's literary magazine. I started baking and doing photography， although they weren't things I could add to my resume.

In the past， I only wanted the credit of accomplishing something. I think it was my way of saying， \"Hey everyone， look at me. Look at the things that I do and my brother doesn't.\" I didn't want to work hard to achieve recognition. I wanted it to come easy， like how it seemed for my brother. But I realized it's not that easy， and my brother really did work hard. Recognition is supposed to be an award for hard work. But I've learned that the accomplishment isn't even the reward anymore—it's the experience and the learning that comes with it.

I still struggle to make decisions without feeling like I need my brother's approval， but I try to figure it out myself. And now， I truly am thankful for my brother. When he got accepted to Harvard， my first thought wasn't \"Now I have to get into Harvard too\" but \"I'm proud to be the sister of a Harvard student.\" It's not a contest between us anymore—it's more like a competition with myself.

Vocabulary

1.no worries: <口> 沒問題，沒關系

2.water polo varsity letterman: (大學)校水球隊的優秀隊員；varsity [5vB:sItI] adj. 大學(或學院)體育代表隊的；letterman [5letEmAn] n. 獲得校名首字母標志榮譽的運動員

3.gourmet [5^uEmeI] n. 美食家，講究飲食的人

4.sibling [5sIblIN] adj. 兄弟的，姐妹的

5.trophy [5trEufI] n. 獎品，獎杯

6.overachiever [7EuvErE5tFi:vE(r)] n. 成績超出智力測驗所預示能獲得的水平的學生，超級優生

7.in one5s face: 公開地；當面

8.extracurricular [7ekstrEkE5rIkjJlE(r)] n. 課外活動

9.highlighter [5haI7laItE(r)] n. 熒光筆，一種帶顏色的標記筆

10.dissect [dI5sekt] vt. 仔細分析，詳細評論

11.stress [stres] vt. 加壓力于；使緊張