Childlike Not Childish 童心永駐

I remember the day my best friend in sixth grade got a fake， removable gold cap for her tooth， the better to1） emulate2） the rappers3） we loved at the time. I couldn't believe her parents would buy it for her and let her wear it—it seemed so cool， and so grown-up. Plus， I knew she had to go into the city to get it， which added to its aura4） of sophisticated5） danger. I， meanwhile， was still watching cartoons on TV， and crocheting6） and knitting clothes for my dolls.

Soon I noticed that my friend was starting to hang out7） with different people， and that she wasn't coming over as often after school to play kickball8） in my backyard. I now know that trying on new friends is just a natural part of growing up， but at the time I felt abandoned. Now that she was ready to be older， my friend was leaving me behind in Babyland. I felt like I was deficient9） in some way： abnormal， immature， childish.

By ninth grade most of the girls in my class had cast aside their Barbies and sticker books in favor of high heels and lots of makeup， which made me nervous. I wasn't ready for that kind of self-sexualization—I would rather stay home and paint or watch E.T. for the hundredth time than go to a dance or hang out in the park to look at the cute boys I would see the next day in school anyway. There were a lot of things I looked forward to about being a teenager and then an adult—staying out as late as I wanted， eating ice cream any time of day or night—but I wasn't ready to give up all the things I loved about being a kid.

And I was convinced I would have to give them up. You know how people say you should enjoy what you have now while you're alive， because you can't take it with you to the grave？ That's how I felt about the transition10） from childhood to adulthood： you had to leave your childish things behind. The dividing line between the two stages of life seemed solid and inflexible11）， and the passage through it strictly one-way—once you'd crossed it there was no turning back.

In my family， crossing that threshold12） meant taking on a whole list of new responsibilities. While as a kid I earned my mall money by sharing after-dinner dishwashing duty with my brother， once I became a teenager I'd have to do laundry for the entire family all by myself. I'd have to pay for more of my own stuff， too， which meant I'd have to get a job， and that wouldn't really leave me any time for knitting or doodling13） or yet another E.T. screening.

Here's another thing： growing up， I never saw any of the adults in my life having fun. They all seemed super serious all the time， and super tired—at the time I assumed it was from working all day at jobs they didn't seem to like very much and then coming home to houses and apartments that needed to be maintained， which would have been more than enough， but I didn't factor14） in the time they spent raising and tending to me and driving me around to all of my million after-school activities. But no matter what the reason is， the image they gave me of grown-up life was dire15）， stressed out， exhausted， and bleak16）.

I was terrified of growing up and becoming like them， and losing all of the simple joys of youth； but I was also afraid of being left behind， and missing out on all of the pleasures and freedoms that the adult world had in store. And I got stuck there， with this impossible choice.

Then came \"Todd Time\". I've written before about my love of the designer Todd Oldham， who ignited17） in me a lifelong love of making clothes （I even studied fashion design in college， hoping to become him one day）. I first saw him on the first iteration18） of House of Style on MTV in the early 1990s. He had his own segment （the aforementioned19） \"Todd Time\"） wherein he would teach everyone how to dye our hair cherry red， or how to score20） at a thrift store21）. On the episode I happened upon， he was reupholstering22） a chair from the flea market using some bright fabric， a glue gun， and some safety pins. This blew my mind23）. I loved the flea market！ I loved making stuff out of other old stuff！ And this guy—this Grown Man—was doing this for a living？ It was so cool to see an adult with a job he didn't hate—a job that， in fact， involved doing the very things that I loved—and he was obviously having fun while he did it. Believe it or not， this was the first hint24） I got that adulthood didn't mark the end of fun forever.

After that revelation25）， I started paying closer attention to the adults around me， and I noticed that they didn't all look like the responsibilities of life and work had put them through the wringer26）. Some of them， like my eighth grade art teacher， had jobs that seemed fun， and that they seemed to enjoy. It began to dawn on me that there was more than one way to be an adult， and that not all of them involved giving up your childhood hobbies. It turned out that there wasn't actually a hard line between childhood and adulthood： you can keep the parts of being a child that nourish and comfort you， that make you feel like yourself and help you become the person you want to be.

Once I figured this out， adulthood didn't seem so scary anymore. I got a job， bought a car， went away to college， dropped out， dropped back in， and eventually became an Official Old， with a job and a husband and a house and everything. But I never stopped doing the things I liked， and many of those \"childish\" hobbies turned into skills that have been invaluable in my adult life： I still do all that crafty27） stuff， and all that time spent noodling around28） by myself while the other kids were sweating it out at school dances taught me how to be happy being alone， which so many people don't know how to do， and which has been incredibly useful to me. I now see these proclivities29）， which were so often dismissed30） as \"childish\" by my classmates， as ways to keep myself connected to the part of myself that can still feel wonder， and that's willing to be entertained by simple things that make me happy—the childlike part of me.

我記得那一天，我那正在上六年級的摯友在牙齒上套了一顆可拆卸的金色假牙牙冠，這樣她就能模仿我們當時都非常喜歡的那些饒舌歌手。我簡直不能相信她的爸爸媽媽竟然會給她買這個，而且還讓她戴著——她看上去酷斃了，顯得特別成熟。而且，我知道她必須得進城才能配到那顆牙冠，這更讓它散發出一種老于世故的危險氣息。而那時的我卻還在看電視上播出的動畫片，給我的玩具娃娃織毛衣。

很快我就注意到，我的這位摯友開始和不同的人出去玩了，不再像以前那樣經常在放學后來我家后院踢球玩。我現在知道，嘗試結交新朋友是成長過程中很自然的一部分，但在那時我卻有一種被拋棄的感覺。因為我的好朋友已準備好要長大，她把我丟在娃娃國里，逐漸離我遠去。我覺得自己從某種意義上來說有缺陷：不正常、不成熟，還有些幼稚。

到了九年級，我們班的大部分女生都把芭比娃娃和貼紙書丟在了一邊，而高跟鞋和各式各樣的化妝品成了她們的新寵，這種變化令我很不安。我還沒有準備好走那種“性感”路線呢——我寧愿窩在家里畫畫或者看第一百遍《外星人E.T.》，也不愿意去參加舞會，或者為了去看那幾個反正第二天上學也會看見的漂亮男生而特意跑去公園里瞎溜達。當然，關于長大成為少年然后成為成年人也有很多事令我十分期待——我可以想多晚回家就多晚回家，想什么時候吃冰激凌就什么時候吃，管它是白天還是晚上。但我還是不愿意為此放棄我童年所愛的一切。

那時的我深信，我將來必須得放棄我童年的這一切。你知道嗎？人們總說你要活在當下、珍惜眼前，因為你沒法把一切都帶進墳墓里。在我眼里，從童年到成年的轉變就是這樣：你必須放棄所有那些幼稚的玩意兒。這兩個人生階段之間的分界線看起來不可動搖，要穿越這條分界線就只有一條路，而且是一條單行道，一旦過去，便無法回頭。

在我的家里，跨過這條分界線就意味著要承擔一長串的新責任。作為一個小孩子，我可以靠晚飯后和哥哥一起洗碗掙自己的零花錢，可一旦長成十幾歲的大姑娘，我就得一個人負責洗全家人的衣服。如果我想給自己買東西，更多的時候也要自己掏錢，這就意味著我得找份工作，那我就真的沒什么時間去織毛衣、胡亂涂鴉或是再看一遍《外星人E.T.》了。

還有一個原因：我長這么大，從未見過身邊的大人們有哪一個過得很開心。他們似乎一天到晚都是一副超級嚴肅的表情，而且看上去很累的樣子。當時我以為這是因為他們一整天都在做那些他們似乎不太喜歡的工作，回到家還得做家務、收拾屋子——這些本就已經夠他們受的了。而我當時還沒有算上他們為撫養我、照顧我、開車帶我去參加數不清的課外活動而花費的那些時間。但不管原因何在，他們給我留下的印象讓我認定成年人的生活很可怕，壓力重重、精疲力竭、暗淡無光。

我害怕長大，害怕成為他們那樣的人，害怕失去所有那些童年才有的簡單的快樂；但我也害怕被甩在后面，錯過所有那些進入成人世界才能享受到的愜意與自由。面對這樣的選擇，我進退兩難。

這時，“托德時間”走進了我的生活。我以前寫過，我很喜歡一個名叫托德·奧海姆的設計師，受他的影響，自己動手做衣服成了我終身的愛好（我甚至在大學選擇了時裝設計專業，希望自己有朝一日能成為像他那樣的設計師）。我頭一次看到他，是在20世紀90年代初看MTV電視臺“時尚之屋”節目的第一次重播時。該節目中有一個專屬于他的環節（就是前面提到的“托德時間”），他會在這個環節中教大家如何將頭發染成櫻桃紅，或者如何在廉價舊貨店中成功淘到寶貝。在我碰巧看到的那期節目里，他正在擺弄一張從跳蚤市場里買來的椅子，用一些色彩鮮亮的布料、一把噴膠槍和一些安全別針給它 “改頭換面”。這一幕讓我激動不已。跳蚤市場是我的最愛！舊物改造也是我的最愛！而這個家伙——這個大人——正在以此為生？我終于看到一個不討厭自己的工作并且明顯樂在其中的成年人，而且這份工作的工作內容事實上正好包含了我最喜歡做的那些事，這感覺太棒了！信不信由你，因為這件事我才第一次了解到，原來長大成人并不意味著快樂生活的永久終結。

有了這一驚人發現之后，我開始更密切地關注我身邊的那些成年人，我注意到他們不全都是一副為生活所累、為工作所煩擾的模樣。他們中有些人（比如我八年級時的美術老師）就做著一些似乎非常有趣的工作，而且他們看上去也非常喜歡自己的工作。于是我開始漸漸明白，成長不止一種模式，并不是所有的成長都意味著要放棄你童年時的愛好。事實證明，童年和成年之間實際上并沒有一條不可動搖的界線：你可以保留童年生活中滋養和慰藉你的東西，那些讓你找回自我、幫助你成為你想要成為的人的東西。

一旦我明白了這一點，長大成人看上去便不再那么可怕了。我找了一份工作，買了一輛車，離家去上了大學，中途輟學，然后復學，最后成了一個“正式的成年人”，有了工作、愛人、房子等一切。但是，我從沒放棄過做我喜歡的事，其中許多“幼稚”的愛好還變成了技能，成為我成年生活中的“無價之寶”：我還在做那些手工活兒，小的時候其他孩子在學校舞會揮汗如雨而我卻獨自擺弄小玩意兒的經歷教會了我怎樣自得其樂、享受獨處。這一點很多人至今仍不知該如何做到，我卻已經從中獲益良多。盡管在過去，我的同學們因認為這些癖好太過“幼稚”而常常將其摒棄，但如今在我看來，正是因為這些愛好，我才能夠時時保持仍舊能感受奇妙、情愿為生活中的簡單快樂而開顏的那部分自我——那顆童心。

1.the better to （do sth.）： 為了，以便

2.emulate [?emjule?t] vt. 仿效，模仿

3.rapper [?r?p?（r）] n. 說唱樂手

4.aura [???r?] n. 氣味，氣息

5.sophisticated [s??f?st?ke?t?d] adj. 老練的；失去天真的

6.crochet [?kr???e?] vt. 用鉤針編織

7.hang out： <口>閑蕩；廝混

8.kickball [?k?kb??l] n. <美> （按棒球規則進行的）兒童足球游戲

9.deficient [d??f??nt] adj. 不夠好的，有缺陷的

10.transition [tr?n?z??n] n. 過渡，過渡時期；轉變

11.inflexible [?n?fleks?bl] adj. 不可改變的；不可動搖的

12.threshold [?θre?h??ld] n. 門檻

13.doodle [?du?dl] vi. 亂寫亂畫

14.factor [?f?kt?（r）] vt. 把……作為因素計入（in）

15.dire [?da??（r）] adj. 可怕的；悲慘的

16.bleak [bli?k] adj. 沒有希望的；凄涼的

17.ignite [?ɡ?na?t] vt. 點燃

18.iteration [??t??re??n] n. 重播

19.aforementioned [??f???men??nd] adj. 前面提到的

20.score [sk??（r）] vi. <口>得勝，獲利

21.thrift store： <美> （尤指為慈善目的而開設、主要出售衣服的）廉價舊貨店

22.reupholster [?r???p?h??lst?（r）] vt. 為（沙發、軟椅等）重裝椅面

23.blow one's mind： 使某人感到極度興奮（或激動）

24.hint [h?nt] n. 線索；細微的跡象

25.revelation [?rev??le??n] n. （驚人的）新發現

26.put someone through the wringer： <口>使受盡磨難；使歷盡艱苦

27.crafty [?krɑ?fti] adj. （做手工等）靈巧的

28.noodle around： 擺弄

29.proclivity [pr??kl?v?ti] n. 癖性，傾向

30.dismiss [d?s?m?s] vt. 拒絕考慮；摒棄