找個不讀書的女孩約會吧

Date a girl who doesnt read. Find her in the weary squalor1） of a Midwestern bar. Find her in the smoke， drunken sweat， and varicolored2） light of an upscale3） nightclub. Wherever you find her， find her smiling. Make sure that it lingers when the people that are talking to her look away. Engage her with unsentimental trivialities. Use pick-up lines4） and laugh inwardly. Take her outside when the night overstays its welcome5）. Ignore the palpable6） weight of fatigue. Kiss her in the rain under the weak glow of a streetlamp because youve seen it in film. Remark at its lack of significance.

Find shared interests and common ground7） like sushi， and folk music. Build an impenetrable bastion8） upon that ground. Make it sacred. Retreat into it every time the air gets stale9）， or the evenings get long. Talk about nothing of significance. Do little thinking. Let the months pass unnoticed. Ask her to move in. Let her decorate. Get into fights about inconsequential things like how the fucking shower curtain needs to be closed so that it doesnt fucking collect mold. Let a year pass unnoticed. Begin to notice.

Figure that you should probably get married because you will have wasted a lot of time otherwise. Take her to dinner on the forty-fifth floor at a restaurant far beyond your means10）. Make sure there is a beautiful view of the city. Sheepishly11） ask a waiter to bring her a glass of champagne with a modest ring in it. When she notices， propose to her with all of the enthusiasm and sincerity you can muster12）. Do not be overly concerned if you feel your heart leap through a pane of sheet glass. For that matter， do not be overly concerned if you cannot feel it at all. If there is applause， let it stagnate13）. If she cries， smile as if youve never been happier. If she doesnt， smile all the same.

Let the years pass unnoticed. Get a career， not a job. Buy a house. Have two striking children. Try to raise them well. Fail， frequently. Lapse into14） a bored indifference. Lapse into an indifferent sadness. Have a mid-life crisis. Grow old. Wonder at your lack of achievement. Feel sometimes contented， but mostly vacant and ethereal15）. Feel， during walks， as if you might never return， or as if you might blow away on the wind. Contract16） a terminal illness17）. Die， but only after you observe that the girl who didnt read never made your heart oscillate18） with any significant passion， that no one will write the story of your lives， and that she will die， too， with only a mild and tempered regret that nothing ever came of her capacity to love.

Do those things， god damnit， because nothing sucks worse than a girl who reads. Do it， I say， because a life in purgatory19） is better than a life in hell. Do it， because a girl who reads possesses a vocabulary that can describe that amorphous20） discontent as a life unfulfilled—a vocabulary that parses21） the innate beauty of the world and makes it an accessible necessity instead of an alien wonder. A girl who reads lays claim to a vocabulary that distinguishes between the specious22） and soulless rhetoric of someone who cannot love her， and the inarticulate23） desperation of someone who loves her too much. A vocabulary， God damnit， that makes my vacuous24） sophistry25） a cheap trick.

Do it， because a girl who reads understands syntax. Literature has taught her that moments of tenderness come in sporadic26） but knowable intervals. A girl who reads knows that life is not planar27）； she knows， and rightly demands， that the ebb comes along with the flow of disappointment. A girl who has read up on her syntax senses the irregular pauses—the hesitation of breath—endemic28） to a lie. A girl who reads perceives the difference between a parenthetical29） moment of anger and the entrenched habits of someone whose bitter cynicism will run on， run on well past any point of reason， or purpose， run on far after she has packed a suitcase and said a reluctant goodbye and she has decided that I am an ellipsis and not a period and run on and run on. Syntax that knows the rhythm and cadence30） of a life well lived.

Date a girl who doesnt read because the girl who reads knows the importance of plot. She can trace out the demarcations31） of a prologue32） and the sharp ridges of a climax. She feels them in her skin. The girl who reads will be patient with an intermission and expedite33） a denouement34）. But of all things， the girl who reads knows most the ineluctable35） significance of an end. She is comfortable with them. She has bid farewell to a thousand heroes with only a twinge of sadness36）.

Dont date a girl who reads because girls who read are the storytellers. You with the Joyce， you with the Nabokov， you with the Woolf. You there in the library， on the platform of the metro， you in the corner of the café， you in the window of your room. You， who make my life so god damned difficult. The girl who reads has spun out37） the account of her life and it is bursting with meaning. She insists that her narratives are rich， her supporting cast colorful， and her typeface bold. You， the girl who reads， make me want to be everything that I am not. But I am weak and I will fail you， because you have dreamed， properly， of someone who is better than I am. You will not accept the life that I told of at the beginning of this piece. You will accept nothing less than passion， and perfection， and a life worthy of being storied. So out with you， girl who reads. Take the next southbound train and take your Hemingway with you. I hate you. I really， really， really hate you.

找個不讀書的女孩約會吧。你可以在中西部那環境污濁、沉悶的酒吧里找到她。也可以在混合著煙味、汗味和醺醺酒味的燈紅酒綠的高檔夜總會里找到她。無論在哪里找到她，你都能看到她笑意盈盈。一定要確保，當和她交談的人目光移到別處時，她也笑意猶存。和她聊聊那些無關感情的瑣事。拿幾句泡妞的臺詞勾引她，然后你就在心里偷著樂吧。午夜時分，趁著人人意興闌珊之時，就可以帶她出去了。此時再困再累也要打起精神。在昏暗的路燈下，在雨中，盡情地吻她吧，因為電影里的情節就是這樣的。完了還要強調一句你這樣做沒別的意思。

找到你們相同的愛好和共同點，比如壽司啊，民謠啊什么的。在此基礎上，打造一座堅不可摧的堡壘，并使其神圣不可侵犯。每當空氣污濁或者夜晚漫長難挨之時，就躲到堡壘里去吧。不要談什么人生大義。不要多想什么。讓這幾個月的時光悄悄溜走。請她搬來同住。讓她裝飾房間。為一點雞毛蒜皮的小事大打出手，比如該死的浴簾該怎么拉上才不會長那該死的霉。就讓一年的時光在不知不覺間溜走。這時你才開始留意。

你想也許你該結婚了，因為不結婚的話你會浪費許多的時間。帶她去吃飯吧，去一家豪華飯店的45樓，雖然那里遠遠超出你的消費能力。一定要確保從那能看到全市的美景。然后扭扭捏捏地請侍者給她端上一杯香檳酒，酒里放一枚不算昂貴的戒指。她一看到戒指就向她求婚吧，調動你所有的激情和真誠。哪怕你感到你的心就要穿過一塊窗格玻璃飛出去了，也不要過于擔心。話說回來，即使你都沒有感覺到心跳，也不要過于擔心。這時如果有掌聲，就等待掌聲停止。如果她哭起來，你就面帶微笑，似乎從未如此開心。如果她沒有哭，也要保持微笑。

就讓歲月在不知不覺間流逝。打造自己的事業，而不僅僅是從事一份工作。買棟房子。生兩個討人喜歡的孩子。努力撫育好他們。常常失敗。逐漸進入乏味的冷漠期。冷漠得令人感傷。接著是中年危機。然后漸漸變老。開始疑惑自己為什么毫無建樹。有時也覺得滿足，但大多數時候還是感到空虛、茫然。散步時，覺得自己也許永遠都回不去了，或者一陣風就能把自己吹走。這時染上了絕癥。彌留之際，你意識到那個不讀書的女孩從來沒有讓你激情難耐、心旌搖曳過，意識到沒有人會撰寫你的人生故事，意識到她也會死去，并且死時還會感到些許輕微的遺憾，那就是她還從未將自己愛的潛能發揮出來。

找個不讀書的女孩吧。該死的！因為再也沒有比讀書的女孩更令人討厭的了。哎，找個不讀書的女孩吧，因為短暫的煉獄人生總比長久的地獄生涯要好得多。找個不讀書的女孩吧，因為喜歡讀書的女孩都擁有龐大的詞匯量，善于將種種說不清道不明的不滿描述成沒有成就感的人生——將世界固有的美剖析得頭頭是道，使之成為人人都可獲得的必需品，而不是神秘陌生的奇跡。讀書的女孩自稱掌握的詞匯足以區分哪些人對她花言巧語卻言不由衷、對她沒有真愛，哪些人笨嘴拙舌卻不顧一切、對她愛得強烈。真該死，這樣的詞匯量讓我的花言巧語變得淺薄空洞、不值一哂。

找個不讀書的女孩吧，因為讀書的女孩懂得句法的排列組合。文學使她明白，柔情時刻的來臨是偶發性的，但也是可以知曉的片刻。讀書的女孩明白人生并不是一個二維平面；她明白，一連串的失望之后，隨之而來的必定是愛的衰落，這同時也是她提出的合理要求。一個熟知句法規則的女孩能夠感受到不規則的語句停頓——說話換氣過程中的猶豫不決——她知道這是謊言的特征。讀書的女孩能夠覺察出一些細微的區別，比如一個人的憤怒是臨時性的，還是出于根深蒂固的惡習——如果是后者，他那強烈的憤世嫉俗的情緒將會一直延續下去，無休無止，不可理喻，沒有目標，哪怕她提起行李箱、極不情愿地說再見，他也不會就此罷休；她由此得出結論：我是個省略號，而不是句號，我會沒完沒了，沒完沒了。掌握了句法，就能洞悉美好人生的節奏和韻律。

找個不讀書的女孩約會吧，因為讀書的女孩懂得情節的重要性。她能夠看出故事從哪里開始，哪里是急劇突起的高潮。她對此了如指掌。讀書的女孩能夠心平氣和地對待幕間休息，也能促使大結局的到來。但最重要的是，讀書的女孩明白結局的重要性不言而喻。她能夠坦然接受。她早已和數以千計的男主人公揮手再見，心里也只會感到一陣的傷感而已。

不要找讀書的女孩約會，因為讀書的女孩善于講故事。她們一會兒讀喬伊斯，一會兒讀納博科夫，一會兒讀伍爾芙。時而在圖書館里，時而在地鐵站臺上，時而在咖啡廳的角落里，時而在房間的窗戶旁。是你們讓我的日子變得那么難過！讀書的女孩已經寫好自己長長的人生故事，每一頁都蘊涵豐富，意味深長。她堅信自己的故事豐富多彩，配角演員陣容龐大，堅持使用粗黑字體。你這個喜歡讀書的女孩，總是使我想去做我力所不能的事。但我就是一個弱者，我會讓你失望，因為你夢想中的男人比我強，當然這也無可厚非。你不會接受我在本文開頭所描述的那種人生。你能接受的只有激情、完美和一個值得寫成故事的人生。所以，滾開吧，讀書的女孩。帶上你的海明威，乘坐下一班南下的火車。我恨你，我是真的真的真的恨死你！

1. squalor [?skw?l?（r）] n. 骯臟，邋遢

2. varicolored [?ve?r??k?l?（r）d] adj. 雜色的，五顏六色的

3. upscale [??p?ske?l] adj. 高消費階層的，高檔的

4. pick-up line：用于搭訕的俏皮話，花言巧語

5. overstay ones welcome：因停留時間太久而不再受歡迎

6. palpable [?p?lp?b（?）l] adj. 明顯的，顯而易見的

7. common ground：共同點

8. bastion [?b?sti?n] n. 堡壘（指固守一種生活方式、準則等的事物），精神支柱

9. stale [ste?l] adj. （空氣）不新鮮的，污濁的

10. beyond ones means：超過某人的支付能力

11. sheepishly [??i?p??li] adv. 羞怯地，困窘地

12. muster [?m?st?（r）] vt. 聚集，集攏

13. stagnate [st?ɡ?ne?t] vi. 停滯

14. lapse into：逐漸進入（某種狀態）

15. ethereal [??θ??ri?l] adj. 縹緲的，難以捉摸的

16. contract [k?n?tr?kt] vt. 感染（疾病）

17. terminal illness：絕癥，不治之癥

18. oscillate [??s?le?t] vi. 波動，擺動

19. purgatory [?p??（r）ɡ?t（?）ri] n. 一時的受難（或受罰）

20. amorphous [??m??（r）f?s] adj. 模糊的，模棱兩可的

21. parse [pɑ?（r）z] vt. 解析，從語法上分析

22. specious [?spi???s] adj. 華而不實的，外表美觀的

23. inarticulate [??nɑ?（r）?t?kj?l?t] adj. 口齒不清的，不善辭令的

24. vacuous [?v?kj??s] adj. 空虛的，空泛的

25. sophistry [?s?f?stri] n. 詭辯

26. sporadic [sp??r?d?k] adj. 不時發生的

27. planar [?ple?n?（r）] adj. 平面的

28. endemic [en?dem?k] adj. 某種情況下特有的

29. parenthetical [?p?r?n?θet?k（?）l] adj.〈喻〉附加的，插曲的

30. cadence [?ke?d（?）ns] n. 節律，節奏；韻律

31. demarcation [?di?mɑ?（r）?ke??（?）n] n. 界線，界限

32. prologue [?pr??l?ɡ] n. 開場白，引子

33. expedite [?eksp?da?t] vt. 有助于……的發展；促進，加速（行動、進程等）

34. denouement [de??nu?m??] n. （小說、戲劇等的）結局，收場

35. ineluctable [??n??l?kt?b（?）l] adj. 不可避免的，無法逃避的

36. a twinge of sadness：一陣悲傷

37. spin out：編造，撰寫（冗長的故事等）