凱文·布雷爾：一個抑郁喜劇演員的自白

Kevin Breel： Confessions of a Depressed Comic

Two years ago it was my problem， because I sat on the edge of my bed， I was 1）suicidal. And if you were to look at my life on the surface， you wouldn’t see a kid who was suicidal. You would see a kid who was the captain of his basketball team， the drama and theater student of the year， the English student of the year， someone who was consistently on the honor roll and consistently at every party. So you would say I wasn’t depressed， you would say I wasn’t suicidal， but you would be wrong. You would be wrong. So I sat there that night beside a bottle of pills with a pen and paper in my hand and I thought about taking my own life and I came this close to doing it. I came this close to doing it.

And I didn’t， so that makes me one of the lucky ones， one of the people who gets to step out on the 2）ledge and look down but not jump， one of the lucky ones who survives. Well， I survived， and that just leaves me with my story， and my story is this： In four simple words， I suffer from depression. And for a long time， I think， I was living two totally different lives， where one person was always afraid of the other. I was afraid that people would see me for who I really was， that I wasn’t the perfect， popular kid in high school everyone thought I was， that beneath my smile， there was struggle， and beneath my light， there was dark， and beneath my big personality just hid even bigger pain.

And I， I don’t know what the solution is. I wish I did， but I don’t—but I think， I think it has to start here. It has to start with me， it has to start with you， it has to start with the people who are suffering， the ones who are hidden in the shadows. We need to speak up and 3）shatter the silence. We need to be the ones who are brave for what we believe in， because if there’s one thing that I’ve come to realize， if there’s one thing that I see as the biggest problem， it’s not in building a world where we 4）eliminate the ignorance of others. It’s in building a world where we teach the acceptance of ourselves， where we’re okay with who we are， because when we get honest， we see that we all struggle and we all suffer. Whether it’s with this， whether it’s with something else， we all know what it is to hurt. We all know what it is to have pain in our heart， and we all know how important it is to heal. But right now， depression is society’s deep cut that we’re content to put a Band-Aid over and pretend it’s not there.

Well， it is there. It is there， and you know what？ It’s okay. Depression is okay. If you’re going through it， know that you’re okay. And know that you’re sick， you’re not weak， and it’s an issue， not an identity， because when you get past the fear and the 5）ridicule and the judgment and the 6）stigma of others， you can see depression for what it really is， and that’s just a part of life， and as much as I hate， as much as I hate some of the places， some of the parts of my life depression has dragged me down to， in a lot of ways I’m grateful for it. Because yeah， it’s put me in the valleys， but only to show me there’s peaks， and yeah it’s dragged me through the dark but only to remind me there is light.

My pain， more than anything in 19 years on this planet， has given me perspective， and my hurt， my hurt has forced me to have hope， have hope and to have faith， faith in myself， faith in others， faith that it can get better， that we can change this， that we can speak up and speak out and fight back against ignorance， fight back against intolerance， and more than anything， learn to love ourselves， learn to accept ourselves for who we are， the people we are， not the people the world wants us to be. Because the world I believe in is one where embracing your light doesn’t mean ignoring your dark. The world I believe in is one where we’re measured by our ability to overcome adversities， not avoid them.

The world I believe in is one where I can look someone in the eye and say， “I’m going through hell，” and they can look back at me and go， “Me too，” and that’s okay， because depression is okay. We’re people. We’re people， and we struggle and we suffer and we bleed and we cry， and if you think that true strength means never showing any weakness， then I’m here to tell you you’re wrong. You’re wrong， because it’s the opposite. We’re people， and we have problems. We’re not perfect， and that’s okay.

So we need to stop the ignorance， stop the intolerance， stop the stigma， and stop the silence， and we need to take away the taboos， take a look at the truth， and start talking， because the only way we’re gonna beat a problem that people are battling alone is by standing strong together.

And I believe that we can. I believe that we can. Thank you guys so much. This is a dream come true. Thank you.（Applause）

兩年前，它是我的困擾，因為我曾坐在床邊，想著要自殺。如果你僅從表面上看我的生活，你不會看到一個有自殺傾向的孩子。你會看到一個籃球隊隊長、一個年度舞臺戲劇班的學生、一個年度英語學習的學生、一個一貫出現在榮譽榜上的和經常出現在任何派對上的人。所以你會說我不是抑郁，你會說我不會自殺，但你就錯了。你就錯了。所以我那天晚上坐在床邊，旁邊有一瓶藥，我手上拿著紙筆，我想著要終結自己的生命。我差一點點就做了。我差點就這樣做了。

然而我沒有，所以我成為了幸運的一分子，一個走到邊緣并向下看但沒有跳下去的人，我是幸運活下來的人之一。嗯，我活下來了，這便有了我和我的故事，我的故事是簡單的四個字，患抑郁癥。我想，在很長時間里，我在活著兩個完全不同的人生，一個總是害怕別人的人。我害怕人們會看到我真正的樣子：我不是那個所有人眼中完美的又受歡迎的高中男孩；在我的微笑之下，是掙扎，在我的光芒之下，是黑暗，在我強大的人格下藏著更深層次的痛苦。

然而我，我不知道解決的方案是什么。我希望我知道，但我不知道，但我認為，它得從這里開始。它得從我開始，它得從你開始，它得從患病的人們，得從那些被隱藏在陰影中的人們開始。我們需要說出來打破沉默。我們需要成為那些為我們相信的事情而勇敢的人，因為如果有一件事我已經開始意識到，如果有一件事我認為是最大的問題，那就是：這不在于建造一個世界，（一個）我們可以忽略他人的無知的世界，而在于建造一個教會我們自己接受自己，坦然面對我們自己的世界。因為當我們誠實面對的時候，我們會看到我們都在掙扎，都在忍受苦痛。無論是與抑郁癥有關，還是與別的事情有關，我們都知道什么給我們帶來了痛苦。我們都知道是什么在我們的心中留下痛楚，我們也知道治愈有多重要。但是現在，抑郁癥是社會深深的傷口，我們僅僅把創可貼貼上，就假裝它不存在。

而它是存在的，是存在的。而且你知道么？它并沒什么。抑郁癥沒什么。因為如果你克服了它，你就知道你沒事。知道雖然你病了，但你并不脆弱，它是一個問題，不是一個身份標簽，因為當你熬過恐懼和嘲笑，以及別人對你的看法和恥辱，你就可以看到抑郁癥真實的身份，它只是生活的一部分，雖然我討厭，非常討厭它已經毀壞了我生活中的某些地方，我生活的某些部分，但在很多方面上看，我是非常感激它的。因為沒錯，它是把我置于低谷，但只是為了向我證明有高峰，是的，它將我拉進了黑暗，但只是為了提醒我有光明。

我的痛苦比十九年來這個星球上的任何事給我的感受還要多，而我的傷口迫使我擁有希望，有希望，有信心，對我自己有信心，對其他人有信心，相信我們的抑郁可以得到緩解，我們可以不再抑郁，我們可以大聲談論，暢所欲言，抵抗無知，抵抗不寬容。而更重要的是，學會愛自己，學會接受真實的自己，真實的我們，而不是別人想要我們成為的那個人。因為我相信在這個世界上，擁抱光明并不意味著忽視你的黑暗世界。我相信世界會根據我們克服逆境的能力，而不是逃避它們的能力來評價我們。

我相信的世界是一個我可以看著某一個人的眼睛并說“我正在過著地獄般的生活”的世界，他們也可以看著我跟我說“我也是”這沒關系。因為抑郁沒什么，我們都是人。我們是人，我們掙扎，我們遭受痛苦，我們流血，我們哭泣，如果你認為真正的力量代表從未顯露任何弱點，那么我在這里要告訴你，你錯了。你錯了，因為事實是相反的。我們是人，我們會有問題。我們不是完美的，而這沒什么。

所以我們需要停止無知，停止不容忍，停止蔑視和停止沉默，我們需要打破禁忌，正視真相，并開始說話，因為我們要解決他人正在獨自克服的問題的唯一方法就是堅強地站在一起。

我相信我們可以。我相信我們可以。非常感謝。我的夢想成真了。謝謝。（掌聲）