Hiding My Talent No More 天生我才何必藏

郭樹霞

When I was in elementary school， doing well in school was the only thing that mattered to me. I always thought that being the smartest meant being the best.

In my elementary school， a lot of kids seemed to share my attitude. It was common to see kids always wanting to do their best so that they could be teacher's pet.

When I got to junior high school， this all changed. The mood and the atmosphere of the school were totally different from what I was used to. No one seemed to care about their classes.

In that environment， you looked crazy if you were doing any work. The important thing was to have friends. If you didn't have any friends， then you were nothing. You would get picked on1）， cursed out in the hallways， and if you were to have a fight， it would never be one-on-one2）. I decided schoolwork wasn't going to be my top priority anymore. Instead， I made it a point to have friends.

Instead of always going to class and doing my homework， like I had in elementary school， I got into a new routine. I started thinking of school as a playground. It was like I could do anything there—cut class， write on the walls， hide in the bathrooms—and nobody would know about it because there were so many kids in that school.

This doesn't mean that I never did any work. I did just enough to pass. But I never let my friends find out. On the days when I did my homework， I used to wait until after the class to give it to the teacher so my friends wouldn't see. If they knew， I was sure they would give me a hard time. They would be like， "What are you doing the work for？ What， you think you're better than us？"

I've always cared about what other people thought. In elementary school I was liked and respected for being smart and always doing my work—not just by my family and the teachers， but by the other kids too. But in junior high， I thought my classmates would like me better if I acted more like them—lazy and not caring about anything except going home to watch TV.

After pretending to be lazy for a while， I started to actually get lazy. By January of 6th grade， I hated school. I hated the fact that I had to get up so early. I hated to do my homework. After class， I just wanted to go to my bed and sleep or watch TV. The less work I did， the harder it got to do any work at all.

A lot of my teachers said that I had the potential to get high marks if I spent more time in class and got rid of my friends. But I didn't listen. I thought that they were just saying that. I didn't think that they really cared. When I brought my report card home， my mom would say， "I know you can do better； next time I want this to be higher." I didn't listen to her either.

Then something happened. My class was divided up. The kids with the worst behavior and grades， including most of my friends， were sent to a different building. Since I didn't have my crew to do things with anymore， I felt I had two choices—I could either not go to school at all， or I could start doing my work.

I knew my mother would kill me if she ever heard me say anything about not going to school. So I started to go to class every day and began to do my homework on a more regular basis. My teachers were happy and， inside， so was I.

By the time I was in 8th grade （my last year in junior high）， I had worked my way up to a "B" average. I still felt that I could do better， but I didn't want to get higher grades than most of the people in my class. I thought that they would get mad at me and be like， "Oh， now she thinks that she's smarter than me."

Then came 9th grade and a big reality check3）. I had thought that high school was going be the same as junior high， only more so—a bigger playground to roam in. I was wrong. Even though most of the kids were the same， the atmosphere was very different.

My teachers knew that I was smart and saw right through my front4） of acting like I didn't care. Still， I thought that as long as I handed in a couple of pieces of work where I did my best， they would be satisfied and not bother me all the time. But they wouldn't leave me alone. For my whole freshman year， I was constantly told that I could do better. It just went in one ear and came out the other.

Then， over the summer， I was talking to a friend of mine who was in college. My friend started telling me that there was no way I would get a scholarship the way I was going. Then he told me that I should probably just forget about college because it seemed like I would never even be able to finish high school if I was so lazy.

He put so much fear in me that I spent the rest of that summer thinking about what he said. It was the same thing my teachers had been telling me for years. It finally started to sink in5）. For a long time， it had been my dream to be the first one in my family to graduate from high school and go to college. Now I realized that I was going to have to work to make that dream come true.

A week before school started， I promised myself that I was going to bring my grades up till they could not get any higher. And that's exactly what I did.

For my whole 10th grade year， I did nothing but work. I used to be in school from 8：00 in the morning until 5：30 or 6：00 in the evening. I did so well that most people were like， "I knew you had it in you， but I didn't realize how much."

I was staying after school so much that my adviser started to worry about me. The principal even started kicking me out because I was there really late practically every day. （I could never figure out why they were complaining about my staying after school. I thought that was a good thing.）

Breaking my lazy habits wasn't easy. In fact， I think it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to get used to doing my homework every night， not just when I felt like it. And I had to make a lot of sacrifices. I could not sit home and watch TV all day. I hardly listened to the radio.

And I didn't see a lot of my old friends outside of school. Every time they asked me to go out， I was always saying， "No， I can't. I have to stay after school and finish my work."

I've made a lot of new friends since junior high and I think they're part of the reason why I've been able to change. Because of them， I don't worry so much anymore about what other people will think of me if I get good marks. They accept me the way I am. If they don't see me studying， they will be like， "Why aren't you doing any work？ That's not like you. You better hurry up； this is due Friday." That makes me feel good. Because they really care， they want to see me work.

So， here I am， a junior almost ready for college—not at all ashamed of how bright I am， and not caring who knows it. It feels like that good girl I once had inside me has come back.

在我上小學時，對我來說唯一重要的事情就是要學習出色。我那時總是認為成為最聰明的就意味著是最棒的。

在我所上的小學，很多孩子似乎都和我持相同的心態。可以經常看到孩子們總是想竭盡全力做到最好，好讓自己能成為老師的寵兒。

等到我上初中時，這全都變了。學校里的氣氛和氛圍跟我以往所習慣的完全不同，似乎沒有人關心自己的課業。

在那種環境里，如果你在做什么作業，那你看上去就是個瘋子。交到朋友才是要緊的事。如果你沒有任何朋友，那你就一無是處。在學校走廊里有人就會找你的茬，咒罵你，如果你想打上一架，那絕對不會是一對一的較量。我下定決心不再把做功課當做我的首要任務。相反，我把交朋友當成了重中之重。

我沒有像上小學時那樣天天去上課、做作業，而是養成了一個新習慣。我開始把學校當做是一個游樂場，就好像我能在那兒為所欲為——逃課，在墻上亂寫，躲在廁所——而且沒人會知道我做了這些，因為那個學校里的學生太多了。

這并不意味著我從來不做任何作業。我還是做的，夠及格就行。但我從來不會讓我的朋友們發現。如果哪天我做了作業，我常常等到下課后再把作業交給老師，這樣我的朋友們就不會看見了。如果他們知道了，我敢肯定他們不會讓我有好日子過的。他們會說：“你做作業是為了什么啊？什么，你覺得你比我們強嗎？”

我一直很在意別人的想法。小學時，因為我很聰明而且總是認真完成作業，所以不僅我的家人和老師，就連其他的孩子也喜歡我、尊重我。但到了初中，我覺得要是我在行為舉止上更像他們那樣懶惰，而且除了回家看電視其他什么都不關心的話，我的那些同學會更喜歡我。

裝懶裝了一段時間之后，我開始真得變懶了。到六年級的那個1月份時，我開始討厭上學，我討厭我必須起那么早這一事實，我討厭做家庭作業。下課后，我只想上床睡覺或者看電視。我做的作業越少，做作業這件事就變得越難。

我的很多老師都說只要我在功課上多花點時間并和我那些朋友絕交，我就有得高分的潛力，但我聽不進去。我覺得他們只不過是那么說說而已，覺得他們不是真的關心。當我把我的成績報告單帶回家時，我媽媽會說：“我知道你可以做得更好；下一次我希望你的分數能再高一點。”我也聽不進她的話。

接著發生了一件事。我所在的班分班了。那些表現最差、成績最差的孩子，包括我大部分朋友，被送到了另一棟樓。鑒于我再也沒有那些朋友跟我一起玩了，我覺得我有兩個選擇——我可以干脆不去上學，或者我也可以拾起我的學業。

我知道如果我媽媽聽到我說那些不去上學的鬼話，她一定會殺了我。因此我開始每天去上課，更加規律和頻繁地做家庭作業。我的老師們都很高興，而我的內心深處也很高興。

到我上八年級（初中最后一年）的時候，我已經通過自己的努力平均成績拿到了“B”。我仍然覺得我可以考得更好，但我不希望我的分數超過班里大部分同學的。我覺得他們會生我的氣，會說：“哦，現在她認為她比我更聰明吧。”

接著我升入了九年級，認清了一個重要的現實狀況。我原以為高中會和初中差不多，只不過就是多了一個更大的操場可以漫步。我想錯了。雖然學生大多還是原來那些，但氣氛卻很不一樣。

老師們知道我聰明，盡管我表現得好像不在乎，但他們一眼就看穿了我的偽裝。我還是覺得只要我交幾次作業而且盡全力把作業做好，他們就會滿意，就不會一直煩我了。但他們卻不愿放過我。整個九年級期間，不斷有人和我說我能做得更好。這些話全都左耳朵進，右耳朵出了。

后來，在那年暑假，我和一個上了大學的朋友聊天。我朋友開始跟我說，如果我照現在這個樣子繼續下去，是絕不可能拿到大學獎學金的。然后他告訴我，或許我就應該忘了上大學這檔子事，因為如果照我這個懶樣，我似乎連高中畢業都沒戲。

他讓我著實害怕了，在那個暑假剩下的日子里我都在琢磨他說的話。這和老師們這些年一直和我說的一模一樣。我終于開始領會現實了。很長一段時間以來，成為我們家從高中畢業去上大學的第一人一直是我的夢想。現在我意識到，我必須付諸努力才能夠夢想成真。

開學前一周，我對自己發誓要把分數提上去，提到不能再高為止。我也正是這么做的。

十年級一整年，我除了學習什么也沒做。我常常在學校從早上8：00一直待到晚上5：30或6：00。我做得相當出色，大部分人都對我說：“我早就知道你有潛力，但沒想到你潛力這么大。”

我總是放學后留校學習，我的指導老師都開始擔心我了。校長甚至開始攆我，因為我幾乎每天都在學校學習到很晚。（我從未弄清楚過他們為什么要抱怨我放學后留校學習，我認為這是件好事啊。）

改掉懶惰的習慣并不容易。事實上，我認為這是我做過的最難的事情。我必須習慣每天晚上都做作業，而不只是想做的時候才做。我必須做出很多犧牲。我不能整天坐在家里看電視了，我也幾乎不聽收音機了。

我也不經常在校外和我那些老朋友見面了。每次他們叫我出去，我總是說：“不行，我不能去，我放學后得留下來做完我的作業。”

初中以后我結交了很多新朋友，在我看來，他們是我得以改變的部分原因。因為他們，我不再擔心如果我考了好成績，其他人會怎么看我。他們接受真實的我。如果他們沒看見我學習，他們會說：“你怎么不做功課啊？那可不像你。你最好抓緊時間，這個作業星期五就要交的。”這讓我感覺很窩心。因為他們是真的關心，他們想看到我努力學習。

所以，我才成為現在的自己，一個中學生，基本做好了上大學的準備——我一點兒也不為自己的聰明難為情，也不在乎誰知道我聰明，感覺就像是那個曾經在我內心深處的好女孩兒回來了！