老媽的“辭職信”

張玲

老媽發飆了！快來聽聽老媽的傾訴，變得乖一點吧。要不然，去哪兒找那么好的老媽呢？

Dear Kids，

Remember me？ I'm the tired， angry martyr1） you malign2） and ignore every day. I'm the harridan3） who nags4） and bitches5） at you 24/7. I'm the one with the bad temper who swears and despairs in equal measure. I'm the tragic one who hasn't managed a good night's sleep since the day you were born. Yeah， it's me. I just wanted you to know that I'm taking a break. I'm giving myself a big time-out； sending myself to camp， going away for a while. Before I do， though， there are a few things you need to know.

I have left a hamper6） in each of your bedrooms. It is for your laundry. Neither I nor Dad will be doing your laundry any more. None of it. You're old enough to do your own. If you don't know how to use the machine， use those enquiring， independent minds I have endeavored to nurture and learn！

I will not be concerning myself with your diets. I will not be thinking of your nutrition， or of who likes what. I will not be buying， preparing， cooking or doing anything with food for you. I will not be baking cakes， scones7）， flapjacks8） or making grilled cheese， tuna melts9） or anything else for when you walk in the door. I will not spend one moment on ensuring you have enough protein or fiber. I will not concern myself with making any family dinners where you can unwind10）， connect， laugh or ponder11） the events of your day. This should make you happy. You can put your elbows wherever you like， talk loudly with your mouths full and cover everything in ketchup or maple syrup12）.

You may clean up after yourselves13）. I will not be putting hairbrushes or gel14） back in the drawer. I will not be picking up your pajamas from the bath mat. I will not be cleaning up your toothpaste spit from the sink every morning. I will not be opening your windows to air out15） your bedrooms or making your environment pleasurable in any way. I will not be making sure you have gym clothes ready. I will not be putting your breakfast bowls in the dishwasher， nor wiping up the milk you spilt. I will not be doing your abandoned chores because I won't be taking pity on you. I will not be dying/braiding your hair， taking you for haircuts or getting you prescriptions for your skin. I will not be taking you to the doctor/chiropractor16）.

Arrange your own rides everywhere. I will not be planning any trips for you or driving you anywhere. I will not be coordinating with any other parents to get you to or from any of your activities， despite how much hard-earned and scarce money we have paid for you to do them.

Do your homework or don't. I won't be checking if you have any， if you've done it， helping you with it or signing any papers. I won't be reminding you of projects or procuring17） your supplies. I won't be contacting any teachers with excuses for why you're late/haven't done homework/can't attend. I will not be taking any interest in your education whatsoever. Your future， for now at least， is in your hands. Not mine.

Lastly， look carefully elsewhere for a soft place to land. Advice， empathy， support， sympathy， encouragement， solace18） and kindness will not be supplied. I will not be listening to your problems with your friends. I will not be a sounding board19） for your issues. I will not be listening to your tales， jokes， trials or tribulations20） nor will I be helping you to find solutions to your myriad21） difficulties. I will not be providing hugs， massages， foot rubs22） or any form of physical comfort to let you know you're loved， accepted or cherished. I won't be paying you compliments or telling you how smart/handsome/pretty/cute or funny you are. I won't be bolstering23） your fragile， burgeoning24） egos in any way.

While I'm away I want you to play a game. It's called "Pretend You're Me". Metaphorically25） wear my shoes. Walk in them for a little bit. Do what I do for five minutes. See what I see and try to feel what I feel. She or he that finishes exhausted， sad， stressed， milked， over-burdened and exploited is the winner！

Love，

Mum

親愛的孩子們：

還記得我嗎？我是那個又累又氣的受氣包，你們每天說我壞話，還不理我。我是那個一周七天、一天24小時嘮叨、埋怨你們的悍婦。我是那個壞脾氣的家伙，詛咒發誓和絕望無助一樣的多。我是那個悲催可憐的家伙，自打你們出生就再也沒能睡上一晚的好覺。是的，這個人就是我。我只是想讓你們知道，我要休息一下了。我要給自己放一個大長假，送自己去露營，離開一段時間。但是，在我離開前，有幾件事兒你們得知道。

我在你們每個人的臥室里都放了一個洗衣籃，用來裝你們的待洗衣物。我和你們的爸爸都不會再幫你們洗衣服了，一件也不洗。你們已經長大，可以自己洗了。如果你們不知道怎么用洗衣機，就動動我一直竭力培養你們的那愛探究和獨立思考的腦瓜，自己去學！

我不會再操心你們的飲食。我不會再考慮你們的營養，或誰喜歡吃什么。我不會去買食物，準備食物，烹飪食物，或為你們做任何和食物有關的事情。當你們走進家門時，不會再看到我在烤蛋糕、司康、煎餅，或在做烤奶酪、金槍魚三明治或其他任何東西。我不會再花哪怕一點點時間去確保你們攝入了足夠的蛋白質和纖維。我再也不用操心做什么家庭晚餐，讓你們能夠在這時放松心情、溝通交流、開懷大笑或思考這一天里發生的事情。這應該會讓你們開心吧。你們可以想把胳膊肘放哪兒就放哪兒，可以滿嘴是飯也大聲說話，可以吃什么東西都抹上番茄醬或楓糖了。

你們可能還要給自己清理善后。我不會再幫你們把梳子或發膠放回抽屜。我不會再把你們的睡衣褲從浴室的地墊上撿起來。我不會每天早晨清理洗臉池里你們吐的牙膏沫。我不會幫你們開窗，給你們的臥室通風或以任何方式讓你們的環境變得舒適宜人。我不會再保證你們的健身服都準備好了。我不會把你們早餐用過的碗放進洗碗機，或擦掉你們灑出的牛奶。我不會再做那些你們不愿做的雜事，因為我不會再同情你們。我不會幫你們染頭發或編辮子，不會帶你們去理發或找醫生給你們開治皮膚病的藥。我不會再帶你們去看醫生或做理療。

不管去哪兒你們都要自己安排行程。我不會再幫你們計劃任何旅行，也不會開車帶你們去任何地方。我不會再和其他任何家長協調你們參加任何一個活動的接送問題，盡管那些活動是我和你爸爸已經花了辛苦掙來的寶貴金錢讓你們去參加的。

你們做不做家庭作業都行。我不會再檢查你們是不是有作業、是不是做了作業，我也不會再幫你們做作業或在你們的卷子上簽字。我不會提醒你們要完成課題或給你們買相關用品。我不會聯系任何一位老師，為你們解釋你們為什么遲到、沒做家庭作業、不能去上學。我不會再對你們的教育有任何興趣。你們的未來，至少就目前而言，在你們的手里，而不在我的手里。

最后，去別處仔細尋找“溫柔鄉”吧。我這里不會再為你們提供建議、同感、支持、同情、鼓勵、安慰和慈愛了。我不會再聽你們傾訴你們和朋友間的問題。我不會再為你們的問題出謀劃策。我不會再聽你們講故事、說笑話、傾訴憂傷，更不會再幫你們想辦法解決那沒完沒了的難題了。我不會再為你們提供擁抱、按摩、捏腳或其他任何形式的身體上的安慰，好讓你們知道我愛你們、接納你們或愛護你們。我不會再夸你們或告訴你們，你們有多聰明、帥氣、漂亮、機靈或有趣。我不會再用任何方式增強你們那脆弱的、正在萌芽的自我意識了。

我離開家的這段時間里，我希望你們能玩一個游戲。游戲的名字叫“假裝你們是我”，用比喻的方法說就是“穿上我的鞋子”。穿著我的鞋子走一會兒，做五分鐘我做的那些事情，從我的角度去看，盡量去體會我的感受。誰到最后覺得疲憊、傷心、緊張、透支、不堪重負、被人剝削，誰就是這個游戲的獲勝者！

愛你們的媽媽