我在哈佛的經歷簡直是噩夢

譯/Marian 2011 繪/迷失嘟嘟

我在哈佛的經歷簡直是噩夢

What I Have Experienced in Harvard University Was Just Nightmares

譯/Marian 2011 繪/迷失嘟嘟

Eric Kester ex perienced the Harvard no one talks about.

His tenure①tenure 英 ［'tenj?］ 美 ［'t?nj?］ n. 任期；占有 vt. 授予……終身職位at Harvard is the stuff of nightmares. He survived a brush with②brush with 擦身而過eg. But he couldn't forget his brush with fame and fortune. 但他仍對與榮譽和財富擦肩而過的往事耿耿于懷。a cheating ring, being locked out of his dorm on the first day of school in just his boxers, and being the only one of his friends to move home jobless after graduation.

Kester wrote a humor column f or T he C ri ms on, Harv ard's student newspaper, and wrote for CollegeHumor.com after graduating. Once a publisher read about his mishaps③mishaps mishap的復數形式 mishap英 ［'m?sh?p］ 美 ［'m?sh?p］ n. 災禍；不幸事故；晦氣at Harvard, Kester was encouraged to write a book.

"Everyone seemed more accomplished than me, better than me," Kester said. "That's a lot of the same anxiety at any college, but it's really intensified④intensified加強的there at Harvard."

Kest er's lack of conf idence was justified: A t Harvard, he was surrounded by brilliant minds. Kester also joked (well, actually he was serious) that everyone at Harvard was valedictorian⑤valedictorian 英 ［,v?l?d?k't??r??n］ 美 ［'v?l?d?k't?r??n］ n. 告別演說者；致告別辭者of their high school class.

Kester couldn't catch a break⑥catch a break 交好運；松口氣eg. Smart phone users just can't seem to catch a break. 智能手機用戶似乎都沒機會喘口氣了。from the start. On his first day at school, freshman move-in day, he locked himself out of his dorm room. He was wearing just his boxers. To get the spare key to his room, Kester had to walk across Harvard Y ard, which was filled with hundreds of students and parents, in just his underwear.

"All these classmates I wanted to impress essentially just saw me do a walk of shame, Kester said. "It made every interaction after that much more anxiety ridden."

Kester continued to struggle with academics and what he wanted to major in. The pressure of Harvard's culture started to push him in the wrong direction.

Cue the cheating club. Classmates knew Kest er was st ruggling in classes and looking for an easy way to succeed. He had a class with someone in a cheating ring, who introduced him to the seedy⑦seedy 英 ［'si?d?］ 美 ［'sidi］ adj. 多種子的；結籽的；破爛的；沒精打采的；下流的world of cheaters at one of the world's most prestigious⑧prestigious 英 ［pre'st?d??s］ 美 ［pr?'st?d??s］ adj. 有名望的；享有聲望的universities. "It found me," he said.

T he cheating ring was here to help and Kester's contact wanted to give him all the information about the most common ways to cheat. The most utilized and easiest way to cheat at Harvard is hiding answers in the bathroom. The cheating ring encouraged Kester to v isit the bathroom during tests and take advantage of the answers hidden there, but at the last moment he backed out, afraid to jeopardize⑨jeopardize 英 ［'d?ep?da?z］ 美 ［'d??p?da?z］ vt. 危害；使陷危地；使受危困his academic career.

Kester admits in the book's Note From the Author that he wrote this book to impress a girl and to impress all of his classmates who went on to big business jobs after graduation—even though he just moved home to live with his parents.

He also hopes readers understand that there are good people at Harvard, many of whom made his tumultuous⑩tumultuous 英 ［tj?'m?ltj??s］ 美 ［tu'm?lt?u?s］ adj. 吵鬧的；騷亂的；狂暴的college career worth it. Kester, now 26, currently teaches at Middlesex School outside of Boston.

"I understand this isn't the Harvard everyone experienced," Kester said. "But I hope anyone reading the book, someone going into college, or an alumnus, can relate to the anxieties we all have about college."

埃里克·凱斯特從沒向別人提起過他所經歷的別樣哈佛生活。

他的哈佛學習經歷如同噩夢一般。考試時險些作弊，入學第一天僅穿一條四角短褲把自己鎖在宿舍外，畢業后朋友們都找到了工作而自己卻待業在家。

凱斯特曾為哈佛校報《緋紅》撰寫過一個搞笑欄目，畢業后還為CollegeHumor.com網站投稿。一個出版商偶爾讀到關于他在哈佛的悲慘經歷，就鼓勵他寫作出書。

“大家看起來都比我成功，比我優秀，” 凱斯特說，“任何大學的很多學生都存在這樣的焦慮，可實際上哈佛學生的感覺來得更強烈。”

凱斯特缺乏自信也在情理之中，哈佛大學里人才濟濟，凱斯特還開玩笑說（其實他是認真的）：哈佛學生都曾代表他們的高中班級致過告別辭。

霉運從一開始就纏上了凱斯特。入學第一天，也就是新生入學日，他把自己鎖在宿舍門外，當時只穿一條內褲。如此裝束的凱斯特必須穿過聚集著上千名學生和家長的哈佛校園，才能拿到備用鑰匙。

“基本上所有我的同學都目睹了這令人難堪的一幕，我本來想給他們留下好印象的。”凱斯特說，“這使我在以后的同學交往中更加憂心忡忡。”

凱斯特的學術和專業道路同樣坎坷不平。來自哈佛文化的壓力開始把他推向錯誤的方向。

作弊俱樂部注意到他。同學們都知道凱斯特在學習上焦頭爛額，而且正在尋找成功的捷徑。他和某作弊俱樂部的一位成員同時上過課，這位同學把他帶入世界上最負盛名的高等學府之一哈佛污濁的作弊生世界。“可以說，它發現了我。”他說。

作弊俱樂部旨在為作弊者提供幫助，凱斯特的聯系人希望他掌握最常用的作弊手段。最常用也最簡單的辦法就是把答案藏在衛生間里。作弊俱樂部鼓勵凱斯特考試時借口去衛生間，趁機搞到藏在那里的答案。但在關鍵時刻，他因擔心危及自己的學業而退縮了。

凱斯特在該書的《編者按》中坦承，雖然他現在又搬回了父母的家跟他們住在一起，但他還是希望借這本書能給一個女孩和畢業后為大企業工作的所有同學留下深刻印象。

他同時希望讀者們明白，哈佛還是有優秀學生的，他們中許多人沒有在喧囂的大學生活中虛度年華。現年26歲的凱斯特目前在波士頓城郊的米德爾塞克斯學校任教。

“我知道，這不是大家眼中的哈佛，” 凱斯特說，“但我希望，讀這本書的每個人、即將踏入大學校門的學子或畢業生，都能夠認同我們大家都有所體會的大學焦慮。”