One Thing I’m Proud of

One thing I am proud of is that I hadnt cried out when you died.

Hanging oppressively low in the sky， clouds were curved and accomplished by the ruthless winds. You left me in such a dull and dark day. Irresistably， our old golden time hit me. The first Chinese character you taught me. The same dishes you cooked for me out of a casual word from me. The tears welling up in your eyes when hearing I caught the disease before this exam. The ever-lasting promise that you were going to see me the next day. But I have no chance to cry. I need to comfort my mother and her mother. I have to stand on my own feet to face the challenging exam. I bear in mind that you were the one expecting my decent result most desperately. Reality leaves no room for regrets.

Tough time does no last. Tough people do.

One thing Im proud of is that I had not cried out when you died. You finally witnessed my mature， cruel but hopeful.

這是2013年浙江省高考英語作文的題目。舟山某中學將其作為學生備考時的訓練題目。當時該中學英語教研組的老師，在如何評價這篇作文上存在很大分歧。一部分老師認為這篇作文寫得不錯，應該給高分；另一部分老師則認為這篇作文存在很多問題。雙方爭執(zhí)不下，要求我談談看法。以下是我的意見：

評價一篇作文的好與差，有諸多因素需要考慮。首先從審題的角度，看考生是否理解題目的要求，包括要求寫的內容和采用什么體裁。這個題目要求考生記敘一件自己引以為傲的事，從審題的角度看，這應該是一篇敘述文。既然是敘述文，就應該有需要敘述的事件，以及該事件發(fā)生的時間、地點、氛圍（場景）、涉及的人物等因素，并且需要用敘述的（narrative）手段來寫。從這篇作文看，敘述的事件是作者在外祖父去世后自己的堅強表現(xiàn)，作者很隱晦地交代了時間（in such a dull and dark day；to face the challenging exam）、氛圍（Hanging oppressively low in the sky， clouds were curved and accomplished by the ruthless winds）和人物（I， you， my mother， her mother），但沒有交代地點，更沒有采用敘事的方式（如順敘、插敘、倒敘）層次分明地展開完整的敘述，而是采用散文式的跳躍寫法，以回閃的形式，讓自己的文筆在強烈情感的驅使下自由馳騁，抒發(fā)感情，寫成了一篇事件支離破碎感覺上卻是一氣呵成的散文。難怪有的老師認為這是一篇好作文，大概是因為老師也為學生這強烈的情緒所感染。

從語言的角度看，這篇作文的確有許多寫得好的句子和表達，如“Hanging oppressively low in the sky， clouds were curved （sagged） and accomplished （were accompanied） by the ruthless winds”這樣的場景描寫，“hanging oppressively”“ruthless winds”“the challenging exam”“I have to stand on my own feet to face ...”和“I bear in mind that ...”這樣的生動表達，以及“Reality leaves no room for regrets”和“Tough time does no last. Tough people do”這樣的精彩句子。

但這篇作文也存在問題，比如在“Hanging oppressively low in the sky， clouds were curved and accomplished by the ruthless winds”一句中，“were curved”用詞不準確，應改為“sagged”，“accomplished”應為“accompanied”。另外，“hadnt cried out”和“died”這兩個謂語的時態(tài)也存在次序顛倒的問題，“die”和“cry out”，這兩個動作到底誰先誰后？先發(fā)生的要用過去完成時，后發(fā)生的才用一般過去時，而作者剛好用反了。在“Irresistably，our old golden time hit me”一句中，“Irresistably”拼寫錯誤，應為“irresistibly”；“hit”也用得不對。當“hit”一詞表示“突然想到”時，通常是在“it hit（s） me that ...”這樣的句型中，而不是“our old golden time hit me”。接下來，作者連續(xù)用了4句不完整的句子，“The same dishes you cooked for me out of a casual word from me”一句中的“out of a casual word from me”是在漢語思維下生造出來的表達。“The tears welling up in your eyes when hearing I caught the disease before this exam”中“hearing”前面的主語不能省略，因為前面的“tears”不能作為“hearing”的邏輯主語。“You finally witnessed my mature， cruel but hopeful”一句中的“mature”應為“maturity”，形容詞詞組“cruel but hopeful”與前面句子的關系不清，使得這句話晦澀難懂。

綜上所述，我認為這篇作文盡管運用了一些好的表達方式，但從審題的角度看，不能算作好文章。