I Really Am an Alien

By Mr.Refiner

What you are about to read is my submission for the Nobel Prize in literature, and you are pretty lucky to be able to read it if you ask me.It proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am an alien.I've found it tough getting acclimated to life on this planet over these past decades.

I say I'm an alien on account of the fact that the thing you humans refer to as money is unearnable for an extra terrestrial like myself.I'll give you an example if I may.The minute I buy a stock, it's sure to crash through the floor.Or how about Bitcoin? I mean, the value of it has soared to historic heights, but I never bought in.My account is always just one number that never changes as the years go by.The funny thing is, Earthlings all seem to have this otherworldly sense of how to make money.

這是我即將申請諾貝爾文學獎的一篇文章，你能讀到是非常幸運的。這篇文章即將論證，我其實是個外星人。因為我發現自己生活在地球幾十年，還是很難適應。

說自己是外星人，因為我發現，我總是賺不到你們人類所說的金錢。比如：我只要一買股票就被套住；比特幣價格創下歷史新高，是的，我沒買；賬戶里的數字，一年到頭也沒多大變化。奇怪的是，地球人好像都很擅長賺錢。

就拿我朋友圈里的人來說吧：有些人吃吃喝喝，一年到頭啥都不做，到處旅行；有些人隨便拍張照片，不經意間，拍的都是名車的方向盤、閃著鉆的戒指和限量版手袋。

更奇怪的是，竟然有人買什么都賺錢，還號召別人跟他一起干。有些人給我發信息，邀請我加入什么組織，說免費教我理財賺錢之類技能。你們人類真的好偉大啊，不僅自己能賺錢，還一定要讓別人賺錢。

我缺乏地球人的這種能力，別說賺錢，就連幾十年以來參加過的所有抽獎，連袋洗衣粉都沒中過。

除了在你們地球上賺不到錢，我至今也沒學會地球上的語言。比如有些人明明很想要，嘴上非要說不要，你真不給吧，他們還生氣。

我娶的地球太太更難溝通。她說自己快過生日了，我說：好啊。她就很生氣地說：你怎么不說送禮物？我說：你沒要啊。

地球上還有很多有意思的事情，我也看不明白。比如我的一個同事，每天都懶得走路，買一個自動搖來搖去的東西，把手機夾上面，然后晚上發手機截圖說，今天又走了幾萬步，這就是運動的快樂。比如看電影只需要看就好了，有些人總是忘不了運動，拼命地抖腿。比如地球上明明有70 多億個差不多的人，每個人都覺得自己是最重要的那一個，遇到一點點小事就大呼小叫。

只要我想打車，出租車都很高冷地不理我。只要我在等專車，就會有出租車停下問我去哪里。

只要我去4S 店賣車，他們就說，新車現在打折都很厲害。只要我想買車，他們就說新車從不打折。

只要我辦了年卡，那家店就特別容易倒閉。只要我沒辦年卡，那家店的生命力就非常頑強。

我不是倒霉，只是不適應地球生活罷了。

（摘自《終有一天你會懂》中信出版社）

Take my own friend's circle for example, some of them do nothing but go out to eat, sleep and travel around the whole year.On the random photos some of them posted online, one could bump into the wheel of a new luxury car, a diamond ring and a limited edition handbag from time to time.

Funnier still is that, there are people who turn everything they touch to gold, and they are always looking for someone else to join them in their moneymaking schemes.A few of them have texted me asking if I'd like to join their little group.They said they'd teach me about finance and making money completely free of charge.I've just got to say, you Earthlings are about as magnanimous as they come! You yourselves are so great at making money, yet you still want to reach out and help other people the art of the deal.How great is that?

I don't have that natural, Godgiven Earthling knack.Forget about making money.In my years on this planet, I've never won anything.Not even a box of laundry detergent.

Anyway, it's not just the fact that I can't make money on the Earth, I still can't speak your Earth speak.Some people say they don't want something when they clearly do, and then they get angry when you don't give it to them.

The Earth wife I married is even harder to communicate with.She tells me her birthday is coming up, “That's great.” I say.Then she gets huffy with me and demands to know why I wasn't planning to give her a gift.“But you didn't ask me for one!” I tell her.

You Earthlings do some pretty amazing things that I can never, ever wrap my head around in a million light years.Like the case of my co-worker who doesn't like to move.He bought himself this little thingamajig that shakes his phone while he's curled up all comfy-cozy in front of the tube with a jumbo bag of chips and “Quintuple Quaff” soda pop.At night he'll send out his daily screenshot of his ten-thousand step “achievement” with a caption reading “the joys of exercise.” There are also some Earthlings out there who, even when watching their movies, won't forget to exercise and shake their legs.There are more than 7 billion people on the planet, but everyone is looking out for number one.Any minor setback happens and they'll throw an unholy hissy fit.

It seems like the moment I'm desperate to take a taxi, almost all drivers passing by give me the cold shoulder.But, whenever I'm waiting for the taxi I've hailed online, a taxi will stop and ask me where I want to go.

As long as I go to the 4S store to sell a car, they'll give me this line about how all new cars are being sold at a discount.If, on the contrary, I want to buy a car, they'd say that new cars are never discounted.

It seems like the moment I buy a membership card to some store, it will go out of business within the week.But as long as I hold out of the membership card, the store just seems to have been gifted with eternal life and immortality.

It so happens like clockwork, and everything proves that I'm not just unlucky.I really am an alien to life on Earth.

(From So meday You'l l Understand, CITIC Press Group.Translation: Chase Coulson)