成長的“鞋子”情結

還記得安徒生筆下的紅舞鞋和灰姑娘的水晶鞋嗎?那都是多么神奇的鞋子啊，只要一穿上，你便能過上夢寐以求的生活，贏盡眾人艷羨的目光。

成長的失意歲月里，大家是否也希冀過這樣的“鞋子”?它們可以是穿在身上的漂亮衣服，拿在手上的精致玩具，擱在書桌上的新潮文具……它們，都曾被我們認為是開啟心結的密匙，能化解心中的郁結，帶我們離開困境，擺脫悲傷。為了它們，我們甚至可能沉溺，可能瘋狂。不過，碌碌一番之后，我們最終發現的往往是這些東西其實并不奏效。

年少時，誰沒有過這份癡狂?回想起來，大家可能付之一笑，因為經過時間和生活的洗禮，我們總能自己走出困局，并且明白一個道理:即使是安徒生的紅舞鞋也有停不下來的缺陷;灰姑娘有水晶鞋為她打開幸福之門，關鍵的還是在于她的善良。

I can remember getting my first pair of 1)Chuck Taylor’s like it was yesterday. They were a gift from a boyfriend of my mother’s. Black high tops with white rubber toes and

2)soles， they represented so much more to me than mere 3)footwear. The box itself was a marvel all its own， tightly constructed and narrower than most. The compact nature of the 4)slender box and the contrast of the black 5)canvas against the white rubber on the shoes themselves had an air of cleanliness and 6)superiority. At the age of fourteen， these shoes signified the possibility of acceptance， self-worth， and stability. Owning these shoes and their labels “Converse All Stars”， made me suddenly believe that every aspect of my then wrong world would somehow be right.

Of course， I was wrong. My peers continued to refuse and 7)ridicule me， my self-worth maintained an all-time low， and as far as stability goes—8)across the board—I wavered like an alcoholic engaged in a 9)sobriety test. My shoes did not make anything “right”. The only reasonable explanation"I could 10)discern was not that “the clothes don’t make the man”， oh， no. On the contrary， it was the 11)notion that somehow， the shoes had failed me， but more directly， I had failed myself.

At the age of sixteen I felt even more 12)outcast and alone. I had by then moved out of my mother’s home， and was going from place to place， still in search of that missing stability I’d neglected to find in my Converse All-Stars. I was still in high school， and working at the local mall. That’s when I tried again with a brand new pair of 13)Old Skool Adidas. They were navy blue， with three white stripes on either side of the laces. Again， they represented everything their Converse 14)predecessors did. At the time， I wasn’t able to relate the two 15)incidents， but now， thinking back， I can definitely say there was a pattern. The desire I held for those shoes 16)consumed my thoughts， as much as all they represented did. And once again， I got them， and once again， they didn’t make my life any different or any better. The only difference this time was that I knew why.

One day as I sat in the backseat of my best friend’s camaro， parked across the street from our high school awaiting a bell to ring to 17)signify the start of the next class， I stared down at the shoes I once

18)coveted so. With a sort of grim certainty， it dawned on me: no one， not even me， really cared about my shoes. In the grand scheme of things， is it going to matter in the year 2099 that I had this precious 19)particular pair of ADIDAS? Are generations to come going to admire and remember me because of the shoes I wore in 1996? Would my 20)tombstone read “Janis. She wore Adidas”? These questions served as an awakening， but they also thrust me deeper into my pit of despair and 21)solitude， giving rise to the questions that we’re all eventually faced with as some point in time... “If this never mattered， what does?”， “If there’s nothing more to life than this， what is the point in living?”， and finally， “If it’s not my shoes， clothes， hair， etc.， that has denied me acceptance， what is it?”

It was me. It was always me. No 22)status symbol would ever change who I was， or how I felt about myself. Why should anyone accept me if I couldn’t? People are 23)subconsciously

24)perceptive. Whether they understood the 25)severity of it or not， they were always keen on my weakness， the “not good enough”. Not good enough for my own parents， not good enough for my peers， and the not good enough for myself. It was always there， through the 26)assimilation and the angry 27)facade， the indifference， and the 28)defiance. It lingered and showed through. Still does， even now， more than ten years later.

I had a friend towards the end of what I like to call “my high school failure”. One thing that I’ll never be able to forget was his collection of shoes. All nearly new， all exactly the same， black Adidas Sambas by the 29)droves. I remember how he would constantly and 30)obsessively buy them. They lined his closet floor， his status symbols. By this time， of course， I already knew the truth， he didn’t. I’m not sure if it ever occurred to him actually. I wasn’t surprised when he showed them to me one day， I just nodded knowingly and kept my mouth shut. It’s not something anyone can tell you， it’s something you have to realize for yourself. It means so much more that way. The “shoes” don’t make the man.

我對自己擁有第一雙查克·泰勒帆布鞋記憶猶新，仿如發生在昨天一般。這雙鞋子是我媽媽的一位男友送我的禮物。高高的黑色鞋幫，白色的橡膠鞋頭和鞋底，它們于我的意義已經遠遠超過了一雙鞋子。鞋盒本身就是一件杰作，結構牢固，盒身比大多數的鞋盒要窄一些。細長盒身的結實本色以及鞋身黑色帆布、白色橡膠的對比效果顯出一份潔凈和尊貴的氣息。豆蔻年華，這雙鞋子意味著接納、自尊和安定。擁有這雙鞋子，擁有“匡威全明星”的標簽，讓我頓時相信那時我失常的世界的每個方面都能無故變得合理。

當然，我錯了。我的同伴依然抗拒我，奚落我，我還是原來那么自卑，至于安定，我完全飄搖不定，就如同一個需要進行酒精測試的酒鬼。我的鞋子并沒有讓任何事情“合理”起來。唯一我明白過來的合理解釋是:“人靠衣裝”并不正確，噢，不是的。相反，某種程度上我得到的結論是，這雙鞋子負我所望，但是更直接來說，是我自己有負所望。

花季之年，我變得更不合群，更孤獨了。我那時已經從我媽媽的家搬了出來，四處游走，依然尋找我從“匡威全明星”的標簽里一直找不著的安定感。我還在上中學，同時也在當地的一個商場打工。就是那時候，我用一雙嶄新的復古阿迪達斯運動鞋進行了另一次嘗試。這雙鞋子的顏色是海軍藍，鞋帶兩邊都有三道白色條杠。這一次，它們代表的又是之前的匡威帆布鞋所象征的一切。那時，我還不曾會將這兩種情況聯系起來，但是現在，回想起來，我完全可以說那是如出一轍的。我想擁有這些鞋子的欲望泯滅了我的思想，正如它們所代表的一切讓我無法思考那樣。而我再次將它們收入囊中，但它們也再一次沒有為我的生活帶來任何改變，或者說沒有帶來絲毫改善。而這次，唯一不同的是我明白其中的原因了。

某天，我坐在死黨的卡瑪洛跑車的后座上。當時車子就停在我們中學對面的街道，等著下一節課的鈴聲響起。我低頭盯著這雙我曾經垂涎不已的鞋子。因為某種殘酷的事實就擺在眼前，我恍然大悟:沒有人——我自己也不會，會真的在乎我的鞋子。從萬事萬物的大方向來看，我在2099年擁有這雙珍貴而特別的阿迪達斯，這件事情會很要緊嗎?未來的世代會因為我在1996年所穿過的鞋子而羨慕、念記我嗎?我的墓碑上會刻下“珍妮斯。她穿過阿迪達斯的”的字樣嗎?這些問題如同當頭一棒，使我清醒，但與此同時，也提出了一系列每個人在人生的某個階段必然要面對的問題，這又把我往自己絕望、孤獨的泥潭推得更深。“要是這從來都無關緊要，那什么才是緊要的?”、“要是人生除此之外已無他物，那活著的意義是什么?”，而最后的問題是“如果不是我的鞋子、衣服、頭發等事物讓我被眾人拒之門外，那是什么呢?”

是我。一直都是我。沒有任何社會地位象征會改變我的本質，或者會改變我對自己的感受。要是我自己都接受不了自己，那還有誰會呢?人們總是潛意識地感覺得到的。無論他們是否明白其中的利害，他們總是對我的“痛處”非常敏感，那些我認為“不夠好”的地方。我自己的父母不夠好，我的同伴不夠好，還有我自己不夠好。問題一直存在，貫通于同化作用、憤怒面、冷漠和不屑之中。痛苦縈繞不散，并且顯露出來。即使是現在——10多年之后，也依然如是。

我有一位朋友正接近于這種我愛稱之為“中學挫敗”的癥結的盡頭。我永遠也不可能忘記的一件事情是他所收藏的鞋子。幾乎全部都是新的，幾乎都是一樣的——一堆黑色的阿迪達斯桑巴足球鞋。我記得他如何堅持不斷、不能自拔地買這些鞋子的情景。它們在他衣櫥的地上排開，那都是他的社會地位象征。但這次，當然，我已經知道原因了，而他卻渾然不知。我不肯定他會否醒悟過來。當他在某天將這些鞋子展示給我看的時候，我一點都不驚訝，我只是會心地點點頭，然后沉默不語。那不是別人可以跟你說明白的，那是你必須自己想通的道理。那樣的話，道理才會更加深刻——人不靠“鞋”裝。

1) Chuck Taylor’s 指的是世界帆布鞋大亨美國匡威公司(Converse)的一款“Converse All Star”帆布鞋。1917年“Converse All Star”帆布鞋推出后，美國籃球巨星Chuck Taylor對其鐘愛有加，積極參與這款鞋的推廣和改良設計。1923年，匡威公司為表彰他對此帆布鞋所作的貢獻決定把Chuck Taylor的簽名作為鞋的商標的一部分。