父母望子成龍，我們壓力山大

2013-12-31 00:00:00MayaChendke譯/李笑

新東方英語·中學(xué)版 2013年10期

父母對你充滿了期望，期望你功成名就，有個美好未來。為此，他們甚至?xí)凑兆约旱南敕ò才拍愕娜松？蛇@樣的期望卻讓你壓力重重、心生反感，因?yàn)槟阈闹杏凶约旱南敕ǎ胱咦约旱穆贰５鎸Ω改笍?qiáng)硬的態(tài)度，你該怎么辦？其實(shí)，這樣的情形不只發(fā)生在你身上，下文中介紹的同齡人也經(jīng)歷過同樣的困惑。他們是如何解決的呢？心理專家又有怎樣的建議呢？

Simple Plan's1） Story

When Simple Plan's lead singer， Pierre Bouvier， made the decision to focus on becoming a rock star， his parents had a mouthful of concerns. And like many of us， his band mates also ran into some parental opposition when discussing career plans.

Though Simple Plan now has gold records2） and hundreds of thousands of fans， Pierre remembers when things went from bad to worse with his parents. \"There were many discussions，\" he says， of his decision to abandon a post-secondary education3）， and there were \"a lot of long nights， and a lot of arguments\".

Lead guitarist Jeff Stinco says， \"I remember my dad telling me at 17 that 'Boy， it's either you go to med school， do something smart with your life， or you take the highway'.\" And with only $200 to his name， he did. \"I chose to leave home and do it on my own， and it built character in me，\" says Jeff.

Jenna and Ashley's Story

Jenna， a kinesiology4） student， also feels the pressure to succeed. \"Jenna's always done really well in school. She's always dreamed of going to university，\" says her mother. Jenna is focused on completing her program， but she knows her father is already thinking about her attending medical school. \"He wants me to become a doctor with my kinesiology degree but I really don't have any desire to. All he can think of is money and prestige，\" she vents5）. However， Jenna is determined to make her own decisions. \"It's not that I no longer care about how my parents feel， but now I realize that this is my life. I am responsible for myself，\" she explains.

Ashley， Jenna's younger sister， can relate to the band. She has also decided not to pursue a post-secondary education， but will enter the work force instead. \"Ashley never applied herself6）， never studied，\" her mom says， \"not the same type of extra hours Jenna spent.\"

And this comparison to her older sister causes serious tension between the girls. Ashley is said to have thrown around phrases like， \"I'm stupid； she's smart，\" and， \"I'm ugly； she's pretty，\" during family arguments. \"My sister is really book smart. I'm more hands-on7）， which is tough because I was looked down upon because of it，\" says Ashley. \"It made me feel like less of a person to know that teachers had this expectation of 'Jenna's sister' being so smart and well-behaved.\" Unfortunately， Ashley is beginning to crack8） under the stress.

\"The pressure to succeed is always so overwhelming9），\" she says， \"I have gotten so frustrated at times that I have been ready to just throw in the towel10） and call it quits.\" But she realizes it isn't her sister's fault and during times of need she turns to Jenna as a support system in dealing with the expectations. \"She's got an open door policy with me. If I ever need her， she's there 24/711）， which is a great feeling，\" Ashley says.

Some Expert Advice

Psychotherapist Dorothy Ratusny believes that outside support is very important for peace of mind， and peace in the house. She says， \"Sometimes it takes other people coming in， like a mediator or a family friend， or finding a mentor or teacher.\" She also says you have to be clear with what it is you want to do， which takes a lot of thinking and researching.

Dorothy also feels that sometimes you have to compromise to a degree. She explains that you may have to appease12） your parents by finishing school， or taking a science course even though you may really want to take all arts.

But Dorothy is careful in drawing the line between compromise and compliance13）， \"If 'Bobby' is a lawyer and he's miserable， his wife is divorcing him and his kids never see him ...\" she trails off14）， leaving us with a vivid idea of what may go wrong with the path of blind agreement. \"At the end of the day15）， it's about staying true to yourself，\" she says， which will ultimately bring parents the most fulfilling sense of success， \"They see their child happy， they see their passion， and at some point16） it takes over17）. When they're okay with it， they let go.\"

Pierre now knows why his parents were so tough. \"They were just kinda afraid that nothing might happen and that I'd be stuck at 25 with basically no plan.\" Jeff says， \"They always want the best for you， but the question is how to get there. They just want you to be happy. That's 'success' for all of our parents I think.\"

簡單計(jì)劃樂隊(duì)的故事

當(dāng)流行樂隊(duì)簡單計(jì)劃的主唱皮埃爾·布維爾決定要致力于成為搖滾明星時，他的父母喋喋不休，表示擔(dān)憂。和我們許多人一樣，皮埃爾的樂隊(duì)同伴們在和父母商量職業(yè)規(guī)劃時也或多或少地遭到了父母的反對。

雖然現(xiàn)在的簡單計(jì)劃樂隊(duì)已經(jīng)有了金唱片和成千上萬的歌迷，但是皮埃爾仍然記得當(dāng)初與父母的商談變得越來越糟的情景。他說，關(guān)于他放棄高等教育的決定，“我們討論了很多次”，還經(jīng)歷了“許多不眠之夜以及無數(shù)次的爭吵”。

主吉他手杰夫·斯廷科說：“我記得爸爸在我17歲時跟我說，‘小子，要么你給我去上醫(yī)學(xué)院，做出明智的人生抉擇，要么你就滾出家門。’”杰夫帶著自己僅有的200加元離開了家。“我選擇了離家出走，自力更生，而這也塑造了我的性格。”杰夫說。

詹娜和阿什利的故事

詹娜是運(yùn)動學(xué)專業(yè)的學(xué)生，她也感受到了父母望女成鳳的壓力。“詹娜在學(xué)校的表現(xiàn)一直非常好。她一直夢想著去上大學(xué)。”詹娜的母親說。雖然詹娜在心無旁騖地完成學(xué)業(yè)，但她清楚父親已經(jīng)在考慮讓她上醫(yī)學(xué)院了。“我爸希望我拿到人體運(yùn)動學(xué)學(xué)位之后去做一名醫(yī)生，但是我真的一點(diǎn)都不想這樣。他滿腦子只有金錢和名望。”她抱怨說。不過，詹娜也下定決心要自己做主。“這并不是說我不再在意父母的感受，而是我現(xiàn)在意識到，這是我自己的人生，我要對自己負(fù)責(zé)。”她解釋道。

詹娜的妹妹阿什利和簡單計(jì)劃樂隊(duì)的成員有些相似，她也決定高中畢業(yè)后不再繼續(xù)上學(xué)，而是去工作。“阿什利一點(diǎn)都不刻苦，從不學(xué)習(xí)，”她的母親說，“不像詹娜那樣還會多花幾個小時來學(xué)習(xí)。”

這種被拿來和姐姐比較的情形讓兩姐妹之間的關(guān)系變得十分緊張。據(jù)說在家庭爭吵中，阿什利經(jīng)常丟出“我是笨蛋，就她聰明”以及“我是丑八怪，就她好看” 這樣的話。“我姐姐真的是讀書的料，而我更擅長動手實(shí)踐，這令我很難辦，因?yàn)槲揖褪且虼硕蝗饲撇黄鸬模?阿什利說，“當(dāng)我知道老師們都希望我這個‘詹娜的妹妹’也那樣乖巧聰明時，我就覺得自己低人一等。”不幸的是，阿什利在這種壓力之下開始情緒失控。

“這種盼我成功的壓力一直都太大了，”她說，“有時會讓我沮喪到無以復(fù)加，甚至想干脆甩手認(rèn)輸、直接放棄得了。”但是，她認(rèn)識到這并不是姐姐的錯，在需要應(yīng)付這些期望的時候，她就去找詹娜尋求支持。“姐姐一直對我敞開大門，只要我需要，一天24小時隨時都可以去找她，這讓我感覺很棒。”阿什利說。

專家建議

心理治療師多蘿西·萊圖斯尼認(rèn)為，外界的支持對心態(tài)的平和以及家庭的和睦至關(guān)重要。她說：“有的時候，我們需要其他人來介入，比如調(diào)解員或家里的朋友，或者也可以找顧問或老師。”她還表示，你必須要明確什么才是你想要做的，而這需要大量的思考與調(diào)研。

多蘿西還認(rèn)為，有時候你還得做出一定程度的妥協(xié)。她解釋說，你可能不得不通過完成學(xué)業(yè)或者在只愿意全讀文科課程時選一門理科課程來安撫你的父母。

但是，多蘿西謹(jǐn)慎地將妥協(xié)和服從區(qū)別開來。“如果‘博比’成了一名律師，但他很痛苦，他的妻子要跟他離婚，他的孩子們也從來不去看他……”她的聲音越來越小，給我們留下一個非常明確的觀念：如果盲目服從，就可能發(fā)生這種糟糕的事情。“歸根結(jié)底，就是你要忠實(shí)于自己的內(nèi)心，”她說，這最終將給父母帶來最令其心滿意足的成就感，“父母看到自己的孩子很幸福，看到他們的激情，而且某一天這種激情會主宰他們的生活。等到父母覺得這樣也可以接受時，他們就會放手。”

皮埃爾現(xiàn)在知道為什么他的父母如此頑固了：“他們當(dāng)時只是有點(diǎn)害怕我會一事無成，擔(dān)心我會在25歲時止步不前，基本上沒有任何計(jì)劃。”杰夫也說：“父母總是想要你過得最好，但問題就在于怎樣去實(shí)現(xiàn)。他們只是希望你能幸福快樂。我想這就是天下父母所希冀的‘成功’吧！”

1.Simple Plan：簡單計(jì)劃樂隊(duì)，是一支來自加拿大蒙特利爾的流行朋克樂團(tuán)，2002年因首張專輯No Pads， No Helmets ... Just Balls一炮走紅。

2.gold record：金唱片。在音樂上，有白銀、金、白金、鉆石四種唱片銷量認(rèn)證，每個國家認(rèn)證標(biāo)準(zhǔn)不同。在加拿大，專輯銷量達(dá)到四萬張則被認(rèn)證為金唱片，八萬張為白金唱片，80萬張為鉆石唱片。

3.post-secondary education：高等教育，等同于higher education，指高中以后的教育。

4.kinesiology [k??ni?s???l?d??] n. 運(yùn)動學(xué)（身體運(yùn)動的力學(xué)，為體育學(xué)的一個分科）

5.vent [vent] vt. 表達(dá)，發(fā)泄（情感等）

6.apply oneself：刻苦做（某事）

7.hands-on：親身實(shí)踐的

8.crack [kr?k] vi. （因痛苦、憂慮）發(fā)狂，失常

9.overwhelming [???v??welm??] adj. 勢不可擋的，壓倒的

10.throw in the towel： <口>認(rèn)輸；放棄，退出

11.24/7：是一天24小時、一星期七天的縮寫，指全天候且終年無休地提供服務(wù)。此處指不管什么時候。

12.appease [??pi?z] vt. （以滿足對方要求等讓步方式）撫慰