果凍心

By+Anonymous

I was in my second year of nurses training at Children Hospital when I fell in love with Jimmy. His eyes were the purple of afull-moonsky.

Jimmy was in the communicable diseases wing， isolated with measles and pneumonia. He had to be enclosed in his oxygen-tent-covered crib most of the time. When he wasnt sleeping， he was crying to get out. But he always stopped crying when I entered his room because he knew I would cuddle，rockandsingtohim. TheChildrens Orphanage had been his only home most of his fifteen months of life. I knew he was well-tended there， but no institution care canreplaceamotherslove.

Thedooropenedacrack.My supervisor hissed，“Miss White！ Have you completed all of your work and finished charting？”“Almost， Miss Stickleby.”“Its nearly time to go off duty. Put the baby down now. Check on your other patients， and then go help Miss Nelson. I believe she has an extra patient today.”The door closed before Icould answer. SuzieNelson did nothavean extra patient. I did. Suzie was assigned as Jimmys nurse， but I asked to have him added to my patient load. I wanted the extra time with him since Id be on vacation the nextthreedays.

Deliberately， I dawdled， massaging his thin little legs， playing peekaboo with his yellow ducky blanket， urging gurgling gigglesbetweenhisraspybreaths.

A loud tap rattled the ward window. Stickleby.

Iwavedgood-byetoJimmysroomasI hurried off duty， excited to have a mountain of fun. But at the same time， I was eager to return to my bright-eyed， nearly recovered Jimmy.

After holiday was over， I rushed back toworkandeagerlypeekedthrough Jimmys window on my way to the ward station.Hiscribwascleanandempty.

“Where did you move Jimmy？”I asked thenightnurse.“Oh， hedied Saturdaynight. Didnt you know？”Such a casual answer. My body turned to clabbered milk. I fell into the chair， crushing the toy bag.“Im sorry， Joy. He was such a special little kid.”She released a long， exhausted sigh.“Saturday night was a bad night.”Beyond consolation， I stumbled into the nurses lounge where I couldreleaseagreatwashoftears.

“Miss White！”It was Sticklebys clipped， stern voice.“Time for report. Dry your eyes and get on duty. Now， please.”All of the emotion I felt for Jimmy poured out like boiling oil over this cold， unfeeling woman.“How can you be so uncaring？”I yelled.“Its bad enough that Jimmys beautiful little life is snuffed out， but he didnt even have a mama to comfort him or to care that he died. And you？ Do you care about him or any other little life？ No！ Just‘Miss White， go to work. Pretend everything is the same. Well， it isnt the same. I care！ I loved that little boy！”Tears spattered down the front of my uniform. A handkerchief dropped onto my wet lap. I felt a soft touch on my shoulder. Miss Stickleby stood at my side，teardropssofteningherstiffuniform.endprint

“Miss White，”her voice was a husky whisper.“Therearefar toomanyJimmysin our profession. They can wreck our hearts if we let them. You and I are jelly hearts. We will always be searching for ways to cope. One thing I know for sure is that we must give equal attention to each child. To single out one child can destroy us and can limit ourabilitytobeaneffectivenurse.”

She blotted her face.“It may give you comforttoknowthatJimmydidntdiealone. Deathtookhimsoftlyfrommyarms.”

We sat together for a brief time， the seasoned jelly-hearted teacher and the green jelly-hearted student， crying. Then we put on our fresh nurse faces and went out to love and care for all the little children in ourcharges.

在兒童醫院做見習護士的第二年，我喜歡上了吉米。他的眼睛呈淡淡的紫色，像滿月的天空那么純凈。

吉米在傳染病房，因為患有麻疹和肺炎被隔離開來。在大多數的時間里，他都躺在一張用氧氣帳罩住的嬰兒床上。醒著的時候，他就哭喊著要出來。但是，每當我走進他的房間，他就立即停止哭泣，因為他知道我會把他抱起來，搖晃著他，唱歌給他聽。在他15個月生命的大部分時間里，孤兒院是他唯一的家。我知道他在那里被照顧得很好，但是沒有哪一個公共機構的照顧能夠替代母愛。

門被推開了一道縫。我的督導老師壓低嗓音說：“懷特小姐，你所有的工作都完成了嗎？病情記錄表都填好了嗎？”“差不多了，斯蒂克貝小姐。”“快到下班時間了。現在把這個孩子放下來，檢查一下你的其他病人，然后去幫助納爾遜小姐，她今天額外增加了一個病人。”我還沒來得及回答，門就關上了。蘇茜·納爾遜沒有增加一個病人，增加病人的是我。蘇茜被指派為吉米的護士，但是我要求把他加到了我的病人名單中。我希望能有更多的時間陪他，因為我在接下來的三天里要去度假。

我故意慢騰騰地按摩著他那瘦小的雙腿，用漂亮的黃毯子遮住臉跟他玩躲貓貓的游戲，把他逗得咯咯直笑，混雜著他沉重刺耳的呼吸聲。

這時候，病房的窗戶上傳來一陣急促的敲擊聲，又是斯蒂克貝。

我匆匆忙忙下班的時候，向吉米的病房揮手再見，為就要到來的幾天快樂時光而興奮不已。但與此同時，我又渴望回到有著水靈靈的大眼睛、即將康復的吉米身邊。

假期結束了，我匆匆忙忙地回去上班，在向住院部走去的路上，我急切地透過吉米的窗戶向里看。他的嬰兒床整整齊齊，但是，床上沒有人。

“你們把吉米挪到哪里去了？”我問夜班護士。“噢，他星期六夜里死了。你不知道嗎？”多么漫不經心的回答啊！我全身立刻癱軟下來，跌坐在椅子里，手里使勁揉著那一袋玩具。“我很難過，喬伊。這個孩子的確特別可愛。”她疲倦地長嘆了一口氣，“星期六晚上是一個很糟糕的夜晚。”她的話并不能安慰我，我失魂落魄地走進護士休息室，在那兒，我任眼淚恣意流淌。

“懷特小姐！”是斯蒂克貝小姐那冷峻、嚴厲的聲音，“上班的時間到了。擦干你的眼淚，開始工作。快點兒！”聽了她的話，我心中所有的悲傷和難過就像滾沸的油一樣全都灌注到這個冷酷無情的女人身上。“你怎么能夠這樣漠不關心呢？”我沖她大聲喊道，“吉米美麗的一生就這么結束了，甚至沒有一個媽媽去安慰他，關心他的死活，這已經夠糟糕了。而你？你關心他或其他任何一個小孩子嗎？不！你只是說：‘懷特小姐，去工作。假裝一切都和以前一樣。噢，已經不一樣了！我在意！我愛那個孩子！”眼淚濺落在我胸前的制服上。一條手帕輕輕落在我那被淚水打濕的膝頭上。我感到有一只手溫柔地放在了我的肩上。斯蒂克貝小姐站在我的身邊，淚流滿面，那一貫筆挺的制服也被淚水打濕了。

“懷特小姐，”她的聲音沙啞而低沉，“在我們的工作中，會遇到很多像吉米一樣的孩子。如果我們不控制自己的感情，他們會把我們的心給毀掉。你和我的心都應該像果凍一樣，雖然柔軟但是冷靜。我們必須不斷地尋找方法，使自己更理智地面對悲劇。有一點我是非常清楚的，那就是我們必須同樣關心每一個孩子。對某個孩子的特殊關照會毀掉我們，使我們沒有能力成為一個高效率的護士。”

她把臉上的淚擦干。“如果你知道吉米并不是一個人孤獨地死去的，你也許會覺得好受一些。死神是從我的懷里慢慢地把他帶走的。”

我們一起坐了一會兒，一個是擁有一顆成熟的果凍心的老師，一個是有著青澀的果凍心的學生，一起為死去的吉米哭泣。然后，我們振作精神，走出休息室，去愛和關心所有由我們看護的小孩子們。endprint