機器人狂想曲

by Oliver Miller

翻譯：小狐

機器人狂想曲

IF I WERE A ROBOT

by Oliver Miller

翻譯：小狐

什么是“腦洞大開”？

看完本文，你就知道什么才是真正的“腦洞大開”！首先，主人公是一個人，然后他假設自己是一個機器人，住在英格蘭海岸邊的一個農舍里，夢想著成為一只貓咪，一只不被主人賞識的貓咪。很奇特吧？這樣奇葩的腦回路，加上令人忍俊不禁的細節描寫，讓這曲機器人狂想曲顯得歡快激昂。

If I were a robot, I would probably not kill all humans. Emphasis[強調]on the “probably” part, because I’m not making any absolute guarantees[保證]about my behavior[行為]as a robot. I wouldn’t want to limit myself in that way. I don’t necessarily know what I’d be like as a robot. And while I don’t want to kill all humans now, who knows how I’ll feel once I’m in robotic[機器人的]form?

Like, say I’m a robot and I go to see that movie The Artist, and then someone’s like, “Hey, robot Oliver, did you like that movie The Artist?”

And I’d say, “Like? Such a comment[評論]does not input[輸入]with me. It was a succession[一連串]of filmed images projected[投射]at 28 frames[幀]per second. I chose to watch it in infrared[紅外線]because I never get to use my infrared goggles[護目鏡].”

“Yeah, but did you like it?” whoever will say.

“Like?” I’d say, and Jesus, do you see how annoying[令人惱火的]this conversation is getting already? I’d kill the person to make it stop and then I’d have to go kill all the other humans to avoid[避免]getting in trouble for killing the original[最初的]human. Anyway, where was I?

如果我是個機器人的話，我可能不會殺光全人類。重點在“可能”這個部分，因為作為一個機器人，我可沒法對自己的行為做絕對的保證。我也不想那樣限制自己的自由。我不太需要知道自己作為一個機器人會是什么樣子。而且盡管我現在還不想殺死全人類，誰知道一旦我進入機器人模式后，我的感覺會是怎樣的呢？

比如說，我是個機器人，去看那部名為《藝術家》的電影，接著某人說道：“嗨，機器人奧利弗，你喜歡那部叫《藝術家》的電影嗎？”

而我會說：“喜歡？我可沒被輸入過這樣的評論。它就是一連串拍攝好的影像被以每秒二十八幀的速度投射出來。我之所以選擇以紅外線模式觀看它，只是因為我從來沒用過我的紅外線護目鏡而已。”

“是啊，但你喜歡它嗎？”其他隨便什么人會說。

“喜歡？”我會說，天啊，你沒發現這樣的對話已經變得多么讓人厭煩了嗎？我會殺掉那個家伙來停止這段對話，但接著我將不得不殺掉其他所有人類，以便擺脫最初殺掉那個人所帶來的麻煩。哦，我說到哪里了？

After killing the humans, I think I’d build a cottage[小農舍]with a thatched[茅草蓋的]roof, on the coast of England somewhere, by the cliffs of Dover. I’ve always wanted to live in a cottage, and as a robot, I’d have time to build one. Because the thing about being a robot is that you don’t get old and you don’t die, so you have time to do stuff…And then, once the cottage was done, I’d read all the great books, I guess, while not really“liking” them or understanding them…

在殺掉這些人類之后，我想我會在英格蘭海岸邊的某個地方建一個茅草屋頂的小農舍，就在多佛懸崖附近。我以前一直想要住在一間小農舍里，而作為一個機器人，我有時間來建一個。因為作為一個機器人的好處就是，你不會老，也不會死，所以你有時間來干活……接著，等農舍建好后，我猜我將會閱讀所有的偉大書籍，雖然并不能真的“喜歡”或理解它們……

God, being a robot sounds awful, actually, when you think about it. Never getting old? Never dying? The thought sounds appealing[吸引人的]for one, two seconds. But then, what meaning does life have if one can never taste death and other such existential[存在的]questions? Not being able to die would be like never being able to go to sleep…Have you ever thought about that, never being able to go to sleep? This is actually a parable[寓言]that you’re not totally getting; but don’t worry about that, not right now. Anyway—not being able to sleep. It’d be awful. Things would go on and on. Robots never sleep.

Instead of being a robot who can’t sleep like that, I’d rather be a cat. A little kitty. Oh, I’d be a good cat; the best cat you’ve ever seen. I’d be a tortoise-shell[龜甲]. I wouldn’t be an indoor cat, but I wouldn’t be an outdoor cat either, not exactly. I’d be inbetween, just a cat, but my owners would have a cat-house on the porch with an electric blanket[電熱毯]for when it got cold, so that I could be not-inside, but also nearby at all times. And there, I would dream my dreamy cat dreams. First, you fex[收縮]your cat paws, then you pounce[猛撲]and catch the mouse, but you’re just dreaming the whole time, well, aren’t you?

天啊，成為一個機器人聽起來糟透了，真的，當你好好想想的時候。永遠也不會老？永遠也不會死？這個想法聽起來很有吸引力——在那么一兩秒的時間里。但再想想，如果一個人永遠品嘗不到死亡以及其他這種關于存在的問題時，生命還有什么意義呢？永遠不會死將會像永遠不能睡覺一樣……你有沒有想過這個問題呢，永遠不能睡覺？這就像是一個你不能完全理解的寓言一樣；但是不要擔心那個問題了，至少現在還不用。無論如何——不能睡覺，那會很糟糕的。萬物周而復始。機器人永遠不能睡覺。

我寧愿變成一只貓，而不是一個像那樣不能睡覺的機器人。一只小貓咪。噢，我會變成一只乖貓的；你所見過的最好的貓。我會縮在一個龜殼里。我不會是一只室內宅貓，但我也不會是一只戶外野貓，不完全是。我會在兩者之間，就是只貓，但天冷的時候，我的主人們要在門廊上放置一個帶有電熱毯的貓窩，這樣我可以不用宅在屋里，卻又總是在附近溜達。在貓窩里，我可以做著我的夢幻貓咪美夢。首先，你要收起你的貓爪子，接著猛撲過去抓住老鼠，但你只不過是一直在做著美夢呢，嗯，對吧？

For breakfast, I would eat breakfast, and then I would hunt. I’d catch baby bunnies[小兔子]in the yard; they’re very prevalent[普遍的]in the Spring; more baby bunnies than you could ever imagine. I would catch one and then leave it on my master’s porch—you have this expectant[期待的]look when you leave them a bunny or a mouse, but then, you’re always disappointed. With your tender[溫柔的]eyes, you’re like—Look! Look please at what I have done! But then the children just turn away, appalled[驚駭的], and then it’s all very disappointing.

And after that, I’d sleep again, and fex, but I’m not a cat, am I?

I’m not a cat. I’m a robot. I was a robot the whole time. It was a dream that I had; I lied when I said that robots couldn’t sleep.

I was a robot the whole time, living on the coast of England, dreaming that I was a cat. It’s just a dream; sad. A single cybernetic[控制論的]tear trickles[滴]down my aluminum-alloy[鋁合金]cheek.

對于早餐，我會吃早餐的，接著我會去狩獵。我會在院子里逮兔寶寶；它們在春天里到處都是；兔寶寶比你能想象的要多得多了。我會逮住一個，然后把它留在我主人家的門廊上——當你給他們留下一只兔子或老鼠時，你會有這種期待的樣子，但接下來，你總是會失望。帶著那溫柔的眼神，你會像是——看啊！請看看我干了些什么！但隨后，孩子們只會轉過身去，驚慌失措，接下來一切都會讓人非常失望了。

在那之后，我會再去睡覺，蜷縮起來，但我并不是只貓，對吧？

我不是只貓。我是個機器人。我一直都是個機器人。那不過是我所做的一個夢；當我說機器人不能睡覺時，我撒謊了。

我一直都是個機器人，住在英格蘭的海岸邊，夢想自己是只貓。那只不過是個夢，一個悲傷的夢。一滴機器人的眼淚滑下我的鋁合金面頰。