觸不到的伊萬

譯◎zy 繪◎馬豆子

觸不到的伊萬

譯◎zy 繪◎馬豆子

When I turned seventeen， I died. Or at least， everyone thought that I did.

The doctors said that I was brain dead. Life support was the only thing keeping me alive. All I was， was a lifeless body connected to monitors. Everyone thought that I was gone except I wasn't. I was screaming， shouting for someone to hear me， but they never do.

The car accident that changed my life forever happened three years ago. I was on my way to school. My music blasted in my car. It was my seventeenth birthday， and the day was supposed to go my way. The instant before the car hit me was the last time I was me.

When I first saw Evan， he was dressed in scrubs. I originally①originally 英 ［?'r?d??n（?）l?］ 美 ［?'r?d??n?li］ adv. 最初，起初；本來thought that he was just going to take my vitals and then go and take care of all of the other patients， but he didn't.

From my invisible②invisible 英 ［?n'v?z?b（?）l］ 美 ［?n'v?z?bl］ adj. 無形的，看不見的；無形的；不顯眼的，暗藏的throne， I watched he pull out a book from his leather bag.

"I don't know what books you like， so... I feel ridiculous③ridiculous 英 ［r?'d?kj?l?s］ 美 ［r?'d?kj?l?s］ adj. 可笑的；荒謬的，" he muttered④mutter 英 ［'m?t?］ 美 ［'m?t?］ vi. 咕噥；喃喃自語 vt.咕噥；抱怨地說；低聲含糊地說 n. 咕噥；喃喃低語and shuffled⑤shuffl e 英 ［'??f（?）l］ 美 ［'??fl ］ v. 洗牌；推諉，推卸；拖曳，慢吞吞地走；攪亂 n. 洗牌，洗紙牌；混亂，蒙混；拖著腳走though his bag. I was starting to think that he was avoiding looking at me. "I'm Evan by the way."

"I'm just going to start reading to you." He opened the book. "I brought Harry Potter and the Sorcerer⑥sorcerer 英 ［'s??s（?）r?］美 ［'s?rs?r?］ n. 魔術師；男巫士's Stone. I figured that most people like the series， so you might. But if you don't， sorry." He paused and looked at me， his eyes were full of regret. I realized he wasn't apologizing for the book， he was apologizing for what happened to me. What he did to me. I knew he looked familiar. Evan was the one who caused the accident. I remembered seeing his face right before he hit my car，

Now， he had to live with the guilt for doing this to me. I know that I shouldn't feel bad for him and I wanted to hate him because he could go out in the world and have a life and that I couldn't. But the way he looked at me， I could tell that he would trade spots with me if he could.

I think it was in that moment that I fell in love with him. A man who will never meet me. I would never get to tell Evan that I forgive him.

Every Wednesday at three for the last two years he came to read to me. I stared at the clock， willing it to go faster. Evan strode⑦strode 英 ［str??d］ 美 ［strod］ v. 大步走（stride的過去式）；跨越into my room with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in hand. His blond hair fell just below his brow and covered his hazel⑧hazel 英 ［'he?z（?）l］ 美 ［'hezl］ n. 淡褐色；榛子adj. 淡褐色的；榛樹的eyes. I have dreamed countless times about running my fingers through his hair. My fingers that don't exist.

I found my soul mate. He didn't.

To Evan， I was the girl who changed his life forever. It broke my heart， because I loved him and he would never know. He would never hear my voice or see me smile like I do every time he's around. He would never know that I cry when he leaves， like he is doing right now. I watched him slowly stand up and glance back at me. He had the same expression on his face on the first day he read to me.

I called out to him to stay. "Evan， wait- "

He didn't.

I never saw him again.

Saturday， November 12th， my nineteenth birthday， was the day I died.

我死于17歲，或者說，別人都這么覺得。

醫生說我已經腦死亡。只有生物體征表明我還活著，我成了靠一臺機器維持生命的軀殼。他們都覺得我已經死了，但是我沒有，我試過尖叫，狂喊，但從沒有人回應。

三年前的那起車禍改變了我的生活。那時我正在上學路上，我把車上的音樂開得很大聲。這是我17歲生日。那輛車撞過來的時候，我最后一次是我自己。

我第一次看見伊萬的時候他穿著護工服，我還以為他過來照看一下就會去別的病人那兒，但他沒有。

我看著他從包里翻出一本書。

“我不知道你喜歡什么書……我真是蠢透了……”他喃喃自語，搗騰著自己的袋子。我覺得他不想看我。“我叫伊萬。”

“我要開始讀了，”他打開了一本書，“我帶了《哈利·波特和魔法石》，很多人都喜歡看這個系列，我覺得你可能會喜歡。如果你不喜歡，對不起。”他停了下來，望著我。他的眼睛里充滿了悔恨。我意識到他并不是為了書而抱歉，而是為了我。為了他對我做的一切。他看起來很面熟。他就是造成事故的人。兩車相撞的時候，我看見了他的臉。

現在他所做的一切都是出于悔恨和罪惡。我知道我不該為他難過，我想要恨他，他還好端端地生活在外面的世界，而我身陷于此。但是看見他看著我的樣子，我知道他寧愿躺在這里的是他而不是我。

我想我在那一瞬間愛上了他。一個永遠見不到的人。我永遠都不能告訴他，我已經原諒了他。

接下來的兩年，每周三他都會過來給我讀書。我盯著表，想讓周三快點來。他帶著《哈利·波特與死亡圣器》，金發垂過眼眉，擋住了榛色的眼睛。我渴望過無數次，可以用手指幫他撩起頭發，但我沒有手指。

我覺得我找到了我的靈魂伴侶，但他沒有。

對伊萬來說，我是改變他一生的女孩。這讓人心痛，因為我愛他，而他永遠不會知道。聽不見我的聲音，看不到我的笑臉。他不知道他每次離開我都會哭泣，就像現在一樣。他臉上的表情從沒改變過，就像他第一次給我讀書一樣。

我叫他：“伊萬，不要走……”

他沒有回頭。

我沒有再見到他。這個周六，11月12日，我19歲生日那天，我走了。