你還記得那些你在年少時干過的荒唐事嗎

文◎Mat Kyne | Translated by Yet 繪◎馬豆子

你還記得那些你在年少時干過的荒唐事嗎

What Is the Craziest Thing You Did as a Teenager

文◎Mat Kyne | Translated by Yet 繪◎馬豆子

I spent an entire summer as a Ninja when I was 13.

Or to be more accurate， I spent my summer evenings as a Ninja when I was 13.

I made a black suit with a hood， gauntlets①gauntlet 英 ［'g??ntl?t］ 美 ［'g?ntl?t］ n. 長手套；（古時士兵戴的）金屬護手；夾道鞭笞的刑罰；交叉射擊；嚴酷考驗， tabby boots and all.

I carried around a homemade②homemade 英 ［'h??m'me?d］ 美 ［'hom'med］ adj. 自制的；國產的；像家里做的grappling③grapple 英 ［'gr?p（?）l］ 美 ［'gr?pl］ vi. 抓住；格斗；抓斗機vt. 抓??；與……格斗n. 抓??；格斗hook that I used to scale buildings.

I would climb up on top of buildings， hop fences and run through people's back yards. I would practice hiding in plain sight.

My little brother took a picture of me one night before I went out.

That's me up there on the roof of our house. My brother was the only one who knew I did this. We shared a room.

Every night after the family went to bed I went out the window. My patrol④patrol 英 ［p?'tr??l］ 美 ［p?'trol］ n. 巡邏；巡邏隊；偵察隊vt. 巡邏；巡查vi. 巡邏；巡查would probably cover 4-5 miles.

I would practice being invisible. I would hide in trees. I would hide in dark corners. I would hide just outside the pools of light created by street lamps. I would say that I was never seen， but I was caught on camera one time.

This was 1988， security cameras were hard to come by. I know I was caught on camera because it made the local news.

There was a 15 second blurb about a ninja⑤ninja 英 ［'n?nd??］ 美 ［'n?nd??］ n. （受過偷竊技術專門訓練被雇作間諜或刺客的）日本武士；忍者running through a parking lot. The video was terrible； but there was about a 2 second clip of a blurry⑥blurry 英 ［'bl??r?］ 美 ［'bl?i］ adj. 模糊的；污臟的；不清楚的-shadow running past a street light.

I just remember being on the couch with my mom， little brother and two little sisters when it came on the news. My brother could hardly contain himself； but to his credit he never said a word about it.

I continued my patrol. And in doing so， I think I might have prevented a crime too.

I was hiding out at a car wash when I overheard a man screaming at his girlfriend.

He was really angry. His girlfriend was sobbing uncontrollably⑦uncontrolled 英 ［?nk?n'tr??ld］ 美 ［，?nk?n'trold］adj. 不受控制的. I screamed from the shadows （in my best impression of an adult's voice；remember， I was only 13） “Hey！ Leave her alone！”They both stopped arguing to look around for the disembodied⑧disembody 英 ［d?s?m'b?d?； d?sem-］ 美［，d?s?m'bɑdi］ vt. 使脫離肉體（或軀殼）voice while I disappeared into the darkness. They got in the car and left.

I continued my patrols right up until the day before school started.

Years later the subject came up at a family party and where I admitted to being the Postal Ninja （video camera was at the Post Office），my mother exclaimed：

“I thought that was you！”

I asked： “How did you know it was me？”

“Who do you think washed your ninja suit？”

我13歲那年，當了一個暑假的忍者。

更準確地說，是暑假的每個晚上。

我自制了一整套夜行衣，包括頭巾、護手、忍靴等。

我還隨身攜帶了一只自制的抓鉤，用以攀爬樓宇。

我會爬到各個樓頂，翻墻穿過別人的后花園，并練習隱身。

有一晚動身前，我弟給我拍了一張照片。

照片上的我站在我們家房頂。而我弟是唯一一個知道這件事的人，因為我們睡一間房。

每晚我都在家人睡下后從窗戶溜出去，巡邏周邊大概四五英里（6～8 千米）的范圍。

我會練習隱身，試著藏在樹上，躲在黑暗的角落里，乃至恰好匿在路燈的光區外。我敢說我從未被發現，但有一次被攝像頭抓拍了下來。

那是 1998 年，安保攝像頭還沒普及開來。我之所以知道，是因為我上了頭條。

那是一個僅 15 秒的短視頻，里面一個忍者正在穿行停車場。視頻的質量十分糟糕，但有大概 2 秒能看到一個模糊的身影閃過。

我只記得當時我和我弟，倆妹妹還有我媽一起坐在沙發上看著這條新聞播出。我弟笑不可遏，但囿于承諾他只好閉嘴。

如果我留有這視頻就好了。

隨后我繼續巡邏，我認為這樣做同時還能除暴安良。我有一次躲在一個洗車站外，偷聽到一個男的向他女朋友大吼大叫。

他看起來十分生氣，他的女朋友不停地抽泣。于是我在黑暗中吼了一句 （用我自認為最成熟的嗓音，要知道，我還只有13歲） “讓她自己待一會兒，不行嗎？”他們隨即停止了爭吵，試圖找出這莫名其妙的聲音來自何方，而我早就隨風潛入夜了。他們只好開車走人。

我的巡邏一直持續到學校開學才結束。多年以后，這件事又在家庭聚會上被提了起來，我也承認了自己就是那個郵差忍者（攝像頭當時被安在郵局）。我媽媽大喊：

“我就知道”

“你怎么知道？”

“你以為是誰幫你把忍服洗干凈的？”