張造云
November 3rd, 2016 Thursday Sunny
Last Friday, when I went home I saw our stairs were dirty. “Is Mum at home?” I said to myself. I knocked at the door, but no one answer①.
I took out my key and opened the door. I saw a piece of paper on the table.
“Hi, Lotus!Im going to visit your grandmother. I will go by bus. I will come back in two days. You are 15 years old, arent you? Cook for yourself and take care of your sister. Mum.”
Why not take us to go together? I rang my mother. “This time it is not a travel. I am visiting your grandmother in hospital. You are busy in study. Maybe next time I will take you two.”
“Is grandmother in hospital? Why not tell me about it?” I was a bit unhappy.
“You will finish junior study. I hope you will get better grades.” Mum said.
“Grandmother is more important than my study. I love Grandma!” I cried.
Mum has been in hospital. I said many words to my grandmother on phone. Next time, I visit② my grandma together with my sister.
At③ Friday night, I cleaned the stairs. When my neighbor uncle Li came home, he said I was a good girl. I gave him a dirty look because he never cleans the stairs!
湖南省永州市冷水灘區竹山橋學校九年級 屈玉蓮
點評
1. 優點:
這是一篇小作者的日記,記錄生活,情感真摯,把日常生活中的小事寫得饒有趣味。
2. 需要修改的地方:
①answer改為answered。要保持前后時態的一致性。
②visit改為will visit。next time(下一次)是表將來的時間狀語,對應用將來時態的動詞形式。注意:前面行文中出現了next time,且用對了時態,后面行文中卻寫錯了時態,說明寫作過程中存在粗心大意。
③At改為On。在英語中,具體到某個星期幾的晚上,用介詞on。
3. 評分:
按湖南省永州市中考英語作文滿分15分的評分標準,本文修改前可得13分。