Fools and Their Fooleries

By Hao Qiaofeng（郝巧鳳）Translation by Sam Bowden

Fools and Their Fooleries

中外笨賊趣事多

By Hao Qiaofeng（郝巧鳳）Translation by Sam Bowden

Two British burglars, Kempster and Sinclair,masters of home invasions, wanted to show off their skills to their friends, when they,unexpectedly, had a sudden epiphany to film the process of events during their crimes. They even professionally edited their film, going as far as naming it, writing a lead-in and adding sound effects too.

Unfortunately, their “fans” included a group of policemen. After a recent search raid the police found nine videocassettes with complete recordings of the entire events of multiple arsons,larcenies and other offenses. Without even the slightest bit of effort they had obtained all the details to these entire cases.

英國兩名慣于入室盜竊的梁上君子肯普斯特和仙卡姆為了向朋友炫耀自己的本事，竟然突發奇想，將自己的犯罪過程拍下，還很專業地剪輯并添加名稱、開場白，配上音響效果。

可惜，“捧場者”是一批警察。警方在最近的一次突擊搜查中，共發現9盒錄像帶，完整地記錄了幾起縱火、盜竊等罪行。警方不費吹灰之力，就弄清全部案情。

In France a foodie with a taste for crime would empty out the contents of the victims’ kitchen after completing each robbery. One time, after stuffing his face, he removed his dentures to clean them but ended up leaving them next to the sink of the victims’ kitchen. The police used this as their clue to find dental records, thus successfully capturing and sentencing the thief.

法國一名竊賊十分饞嘴，每次作案時，都要將事主留在廚房里的食物吃光。有一次，他飽餐之后，將自己的假牙取下清洗，卻遺忘在事主廚房的水池旁。結果警方以此為線索，查到牙醫的記錄，順利地把竊賊捉拿歸案。

Deep into the night, a crook in Brazil sneaked into a department store, searching for valuables in the dark. Whilst combing around the place, the sweet scent of cream caught his attention.

Following the smell, he came upon a large barrel,figuring that it contained leftover cream for making cakes, which would make a great midnight snack.What he didn’t realize was that as soon as he put his hand in the vat he became stuck without any way to pull his hand back out.

It turns out that the bucket had been filled with a type of industrial glue incredibly adhesive. The proprietor found him the next day and sent him,along with his barrel, off to the police.

巴西一名小偷趁夜深人靜潛入一家百貨公司，在黑暗中尋找值錢的東西。找著找著，一股奶油的香味吸引了他。

小偷順著香味來到一個大桶跟前，他以為桶里裝的一定是做蛋糕剩下的奶油，正好當夜宵。沒想到的是，他把手伸進桶里后，竟被粘住，怎么也抽不回來。

原來，桶里裝的是一種工業用膠，黏性極強。第二天，店主發現被困了一夜的小偷，便連人帶桶一起交給警察。

One evening, in the town of Anling, in Yanling County, Henan Province, an unemployed Mr.Wen, upon finding out that his neighbor Mr. Liu had gone away and was not at home, broke into his house. He scoured through chests and draws,taking 1,200 yuan (approx. 200 U.S. dollars) in cash and a gold necklace.

After pulling off the crime, he noticed two bottles of baijiu on the table and opened them drinking his fill. Having had more than he could handle, though,he ended up kneeling over drunk inside the house.

The next morning, the owner came home to find that his door had been broken down. Carefully creeping into his house, he found the pilferer drunk and unconscious, and called the cops.After the police arrived at the scene, Mr. Wen was compliantly taken away.

一天晚上，河南鄢陵縣安陵鎮無業游民溫某，得知鄰居劉某外出不在家，便破門而入，翻箱倒柜，偷竊到現金1200元及金項鏈一條。

得手后，他看到桌上有兩瓶白酒，就打開暢飲，結果不勝酒力，醉倒在屋內。

次日上午，屋主返回家中，發現大門被破壞，就小心翼翼地進到屋內，發現小偷仍醉得不省人事，于是撥打報警電話。警方到場后，溫某乖乖就擒。

A twenty-seven-year-old Mr. Hu, arrived in Huangshi, Hubei looking for work. Many months had passed and he still wasn’t able to find any satisfactory work. With all of his savings already spent, he came up with a crazy idea.

One evening he arrived at a hotel looking for a target, when he found the door to one of the rooms ajar. He entered the room and ransacked the place.Finding nothing worth stealing, he just took a coat of the guest that was staying in the room, which happened to have 100 yuan (approx. 15 dollars) in the pocket of the clothes.

Having acquired a taste for robbery, Mr. Hu returned to the same hotel again the very next afternoon to try his luck, wearing the coat that he had stolen the day before. Who’d have thought it?As soon as he walked through the door to the hotel,he walked straight into the owner of the lost coat,Mr. Guan.

When the police raced to the scene, Mr. Hu was still wandering around the corridors of the hotel.With the help of Mr. Guan’s identification they were able to put Mr. Hu under arrest.

27歲的胡某來到湖北黃石找工作，幾個月過去了，也沒找到中意的工作。此時積蓄已花光，胡某便動起歪腦筋。

一天晚上，胡某來到賓館尋找目標，發現有個房間的門敞開著。他進到房間，翻箱倒柜，見沒什么東西可偷，就將客人的隨身衣物拿走了，該衣服口袋里有100元錢。

嘗到點小甜頭的胡某次日下午身著盜得的衣物，再次來到該賓館“碰運氣”，沒想到剛進賓館大門就被衣服的失主管先生撞個正著。

民警趕到現場時，胡某還在賓館走廊晃悠。在管先生的指認下，民警將其抓獲。

（摘自《幽默與笑話》2017年第9期）