The Curious Case of Bedroom Bottoms

By Chua Lam

I have a friend who is a justice of the peace in the mainland,and when I ate out with him I asked what cases he’d heard recently.

“Same old same old—pilfering,purloining, peculation,” he said.

“Can you think of any interesting ones?” I asked him.

“Oh yeah,” he said after some thought, “There was this crazy case of voyeurism.”

“Really? Peeping at hot girls in the shower?”

“No. Peeping at ugly men in the john. They caught him red handed in a public bathroom.”

“So, is the gay lifestyle becoming common in the mainland?” I inquired curiously.

“That’s what I thought at first.” My pal said, “I looked at him sitting there sulking with no defense attorney and kind of felt sorry for him, I asked him if he wanted me to appoint one for him,but he declined. He wanted to defend himself in court. I told him it was best not to fly by the seat of his pants, but he insisted. He said no lawyer knew more about his case than he did.”

“Know what?” I was growing more curious with each passing moment.

The old judge debriefed me on the situation, “Underpants!”He exclaimed, “Said he was the self-proclaimed ‘Sultan of Skivvies,’ with his own factory and everything.”

“Which factory? If it’s a famous brand, I might have heard of it here in Hong Kong.”

“He has a factory, but he said he didn’t have his own brand but that he was just the underwear supplier to every brand in the world. But if he had to do retailing too, he would have no time to do any research.”

“What research?”

“Research on the planet’s perfect underpants! Said he wouldn’t give up even a single opportunity to check out the dudes’ jockey shorts.” The judge explained.

“But it’s just underwear. I mean there are just so many kinds that a person could wear.”

“That’s what I said. But then the defendant got his shorts in a knot. He looked at me with this look of contempt and told me I didn’t know what the flippity jibbits I was talking about, which really cheesed me off. I told the guy he’d better explain the profundities of the underwear and fast, or the only undershorts he was going to be wearing would be the ones with black and white stripes.”

“So, what did he say? That silk skivvies are the best?” I asked.

“He said that no material could ever be more comfortable than good cotton.”

“Cotton?” I said incredulously.“Everyone’s unmentionables are cotton fiber. What’s so special about that?”

底褲大王的案子

文/蔡瀾

我的朋友是內地的法官，一起吃飯時，我問他：“最近審了什么案子？”

“來來去去都是一些走私的。”他說。

“想不起什么有趣的嗎？”我問。

“對了，”他說，“有一起偷窺案。”

“偷看什么，女人？”

“不。是男人偷看男人，在公共廁所里抓到的。”

“同性戀在內地開始普遍起來了？”

“起初我也那么想。”法官說，“看他沒有律師，問他要不要派一個給他。他說，沒有什么律師比他知道得更清楚，要自己答辯。”

“知道些什么？”

法官說：“底褲呀，他自稱是底褲大王。”

“什么廠？出名的話在香港也會聽過。”

“工廠是有的，不過他說沒有自己的牌子，只是替全世界的名牌代工。如果自己也做銷售的話，就沒時間做研究工作了。”

“什么研究工作？”

“研究天下最完美的底褲呀，所以他不放過任何機會，看別人穿的是什么。”法官說。

“底褲不就是底褲，穿來穿去都是那幾種。”

“我也是這么說的呀，不過當事人輕蔑地看著我，大聲罵我什么都不懂。這下子我可生起氣來，要他說出，一條底褲到底有什么奧妙，不然，即刻重判。”

“他怎么說？絲質的最好？”我問。

“他說任何材料都比不上棉。”

“棉？我們穿的都是棉織的呀。”我說。

“不是普通棉，要用海島棉。更好的，是埃及棉。”法官說。

“什么叫海島棉？”

“他解釋說是美國的產品，至少要兩英寸以上的長棉才算及格，每條長度要經過美國紡織協會檢驗，才發證書的。”

“那么埃及棉呢？”

“比海島棉更長更細，織出來的布比絲還要光滑。”

“棉質的哪能比得上絲。”我說。

“他說，那要看多少支了。”

“什么叫支？”

“每平方寸之中，用多少條棉線織出來，叫作支。一般的布，有二十支。”

“那么埃及棉呢？”

“一平方寸之中，一定有兩百支，每一支還是雙線紡的。”法官轉述。

“哇。”我叫了出來。

“所以說嘛，”法官搖頭，“底褲大王大罵我們這些凡人根本不會享受。他還反問我：‘一種顏色的布做五種不同款式的底褲賣得多，還是五種顏色的布做一種款式的底褲賣得多？’”

“你怎么說？”我問。

“我當然選五種不同顏色。他說，這大錯特錯。人穿慣了白色，就不會去碰其他顏色了，還是一種顏色五種款式的好賣。”法官說。

“他有沒有說男人大多數喜歡什么顏色的？”

“這就是他為什么要在廁所觀察了。他說，依照他的統計，黑色最好賣。但是近年來，穿紅色的人逐漸增加，都是因為迷信，說穿紅色的會發財。廣東人說‘大紅大褲’，聽起來是‘大紅大富’。”

我笑了出來：“女人呢？他對女人的底褲有沒有什么研究？”

“Not regular cotton, he said you need to use Sea Island cotton.Better yet, Egyptian cotton.” The judge said.

“What is Sea Island cotton?”

“He explained that it’s an American product, and he said that only the kind that’s at least two inches long can pass QC, and that every length of material has to be certified by the American Association of Textile Chemists and Colorists.”

“What’s Egyptian cotton?”

“It’s even finer than Sea Island cotton, and the material made from it is smoother than silk.”

“How could anything made of cotton be better than silk?” I questioned skeptically.

“He said it depends on the count.”

“What do you mean ‘count’?” I asked confused.

“The amount of cotton fiber used in every square inch of cloth is called ‘count.’ Normally cloth has a twenty count.”

“So, what about Egyptian cotton?”

The old judge sat there in front of his steak and coffee relating what the “Sultan of Skivvies” had told him, “Every square inch is a two hundred count. Every count is a double weave.”

“Wow!” I exclaimed.

“Oh yeah,” the judge said with a shake of the head, “But, I didn’t appreciate mister ‘Sultan of Skivvies’ letting me have it like that. And in front of the whole courtroom. Then he had the nerve to ask me if one color of cloth made into five different styles sold better or if five different colors made into one style sold better.”

“What did you say?”

“Of course, I chose the five different colors. The guy said that my answer was ‘really, totally,completely, absolutely and all otherwise, just plain wrong.’ He said that when people get used to wearing white they will never consider another color, and that one color made into five different styles was the better seller.” The judge related.

“Did he tell you what color most men wear?”

“That’s the reason why he was in the bathroom ogling the undershorts. He said, according to his statistics, black was the best-selling color. But lately red had become increasingly popular,and it was all because of a local superstition. He said that in Cantonese the phrase ‘daai hung,daai fu,’ meaning literally ‘big red big pants,’ sounds like another phrase ‘daai hung, daai fu,’—‘big red big money.’ Therefore, now they all want to wear the red ones,so that they can get rich by the color of their undies.”

I couldn’t help busting a gut.“So, what about the girls? Does he also have research on women’s panties?”

“I’m a judge. I have to maintain a stoic demeanor. How could I ask him such a question with a straight face? But a clerk sitting in the courtroom, who just happened to be a woman, couldn’t contain herself, so she asked him if a woman’s bra and panties should be the same style and color?”

“What did he say?”

“He said it depended on the market.”

“What’s that got to do with markets?” I asked.

“It has everything to do with markets. He said in America,the big manufacturers like Triumph sell so many bras that, who has time to worry about the panties?”

“Different women, different demands…” I said.

“That’s what the clerk girl said.” The judge replied.

“What did the ‘Sultan of Skivvies’ have to say about that?” I asked.

The judge replied, “He said that was another level entirely.If a girl has the money to spend at Victoria Secrets, then of course the bra and panties have to be a set, because it looks good when a girl takes it all off for her husband.”

“Yeah, he’s got a point there,” I concurred.

“But, then the ‘Sultan of Skivvies’ looked right at the clerk girl and said, ‘You’d never have a chance like that in your life.’ She was so peeved by the remark that she just about ran to the witness stand to choke the guy to death!”

I was just about to split my sides, “So what was your final judgment?”

He laughed and said, “He knew so much industry insider jargon that I just pronounced the guy innocent and let him go free. And besides…” he added“I haven’t had a good laugh like that in a long time!”

(FromAn old Monk from a Lonely Temple, SDX Joint Publishing, Translation: Chase Coulson)

“我們做法官的，一定要保持一副嚴肅的面孔，這種問題怎么說得出口？但是庭上那個女書記員倒是忍不住了，問他，女人的胸罩和底褲到底應不應該是一套的？”

“他怎么說？”

“他說，這可要看是什么市場了。”

“和市場有關？”我問。

“當然啦，他說像美國黛安芬那種大廠，只顧賣胸罩，哪有時間照顧到底褲呢？”

“有些女人的要求不同呀。”我說。

“那個女書記員也這么說。”法官說。

“底褲大王怎么回答？”我問。

法官說：“他說，當然啦，那又是另一個層次了。如果花錢到‘維多利亞的秘密’那種店鋪，就會買胸罩和底褲是一套的，這樣，在男朋友面前脫衣服，才好看。”

“說得對呀。”我同意。

“不過，底褲大王望著那個女書記員說：‘你是沒有機會了。’害得她差點跑到被告席打他。”

我笑了：“結果你是怎么判的？”

法官也笑了：“他說出那么多專業知識，又提供了那么多娛樂，我當然判他無罪釋放啦。”

（摘自《孤寺老僧》生活·讀書·新知三聯書店）