Funny Old Jokes

Translated by Sam Bowden

Reincarnation Karma

By [Qing Dynasty] Zhao Jishi

A man,who was the believer of the retribution doctrine of buddhism,often walked around saying that if you killed a pig or slaughtered a cow you would turn into a pig or a cow after you passed away.And he even emphasized that if you stepped on an ant,you would be reincarnated into an ant.

Hearing it,Xu Wenmu said,“If that’s how things work,you might as well just murder a person.”Someone asked him why and he replied,“If karma comes to get you in the next life you can at least still be a human.” (From Collection of Humors in Jiyuan)

Loose Lips Sink Ships

By [Ming Dynasty] Anonymous

A siskin,a mosquito and a wine bug got together and they all bragged about their capabilities.The siskin said,“In the seventh month,the cool weather of early autumn starts to set in,the harvested grain is taken to the threshing ground and before the master can even eat it I get to have a taste.”

The wine bug asked,“If a kid comes to attack you with a sling,then what discussion is there to even be had?”

The siskin said,“The humans have a saying,‘As men die for wealth,so birds die for food.’”

The mosquito went next,“As the spring wind blows through the large courtyard and the deepest of rooms,twilight is tranquil with no sign of steps; in the red silk curtain lies a sleeping beauty and it is a little of the red that I come and steal.”

A soft-shelled turtle was in the water listening to their talk and couldn’t help himself from crawling up on to land to ask the mosquito,“If the sleeping beauty gives you a good swat,then what?”

The mosquito replied,“To see such exquisiteness,what is death in comparison?”

The wine bug continued,“When the alcohol has fermented,earlier than the enjoyment of guests,I get to taste it first.Drunk in the golden cup,I’ll wait for my fair lad to get me up.”

The soft-shelled turtle said,“If your lad doesn’t come to get you,wouldn’t you then drown?”

The wine bug said,“Liu Ling drank himself to death and his fame spreads throughout the ages.”

Someone heard the animals talking and rushed over to have a look.The siskin,mosquito and the wine bug flew off together but the soft-shelled turtle was caught up.The turtle sighing said,“He that talks much errs much,boasting always brings trouble.”(From Feast Funny Chat & Laugh,Drinking Games)

Can't Put the Words Together

By [Qing Dynasty] Chen Gaomo

A student was attending an exam.Looking at the essay questions,he had no idea where to even begin.His servants came to pick him up,but only saw other examinees handing in their test papers and leaving one after another.

At dusk,their master still didn’t come out.One servant asked the other,“How many characters does it usually take to write an essay?”

The other servant answered,“It’s probably not more than five or six hundred characters.”

He asked again,“Can it really be that our master doesn’t have five or six hundred characters in his mind?”

The other servant tried to comfort him by saying,“I think he should have more than that in him mind,but sometimes it’s just hard to put them together.”

(From Convulsive Laughter)