She’s Never Wrong

By Hou Changxi

Arguing is a routine occurrence in married life. Every two days a small squabble, every five days a big row and all over nothing important. When have you ever heard of couples quarreling over the gulf war, chemical weapons in Syria or political reforms at the UN? My cousin and his wife are such a couple. They’ve been married for twenty years and they’ve bickered for twenty of those years all because my cousin doesn’t watch his mouth.

One day, they were sitting around chatting with nothing else to do. My cousin-in-law asked her husband, “What do you like most about me?”

Normally, the answer would be something like “your beauty,” “your industriousness,” “your kindness,” or “you know how to live.” But, my cousin said, “What I love most is how you look from behind.”

“Why?” she asked.

“I’m sick of seeing your face.” He replied.

I’ll let you decide: is it possible for these two not to fight?

Just before the New Year my cousin-in-law went to get her hair permed. She arrived home and asked her husband, “Check out my perm, is it beautiful or what? It only cost 12 dollars.”

My cousin took one look and said, “It’s alright.”

“What does alright mean?” she asked.

He replied, “The price. It’s alright.”

That ruined it. They both started quarreling.

Another time my cousin-inlaw asked him, “Be honest, do you love another woman?”

He nodded, “Yes.”

“Who?”

“My mom.”

“Anyone else?”

“Yeah.”

“Who?”

“My auntie.”

“Anyone else?”

“Also, your mother. Is that okay?”

And they started arguing, again.

When it was evening time and they were deciding what to eat. My cousin-in-law was in the mood for fish, but her husband wanted noodles. They both stuck to their guns. They fought about it for ages and still couldn’t come to a decision. In the end they decided to flip a coin: heads and they’d go for fish, tails and they’d eat noodles.

My cousin-in-law tossed the coin in the air. It fell down, clingclang and rolled down the stairs.

With no alternative, the two of them could only go out to their local stir-fry restaurant.

After ordering their food, my cousin ordered a glass of baijiu and his wife dumped it out. He got upset, “Are you looking for trouble?”

Cousin-in-law unambiguously said, “Yeah. So what?”

My cousin put up three fingers, “Number one, we’ll fight this out.”

“You can’t beat me,” she replied.

“Number two, we’ll play rockpaper-scissors, best of three wins.”

Cousin-in-law said, “You’ll never beat me. What’s the third?”

My cousin said, “The third is the easiest: I apologize.”

Both of them were reconciled again.

(From If You’re Alive Then You Need to Be Happy, Tianjin Renmin Press. Translation: Sam Bowden)

表嫂有理

文/侯長喜

兩口子過日子，吵架拌嘴是家常便飯。兩天一小吵，五天一大吵，大都不為啥正事兒。您什么時候聽說兩口子因為討論海灣戰爭、敘利亞化學武器、聯合國政改吵起來的？我表哥表嫂兩口子就是這樣一對兒。他倆結婚二十多年，吵了二十多年，原因是表哥說話不著調。

有一天，兩口子閑著沒事兒，侃大山。我表嫂問她丈夫：“你最愛我什么？”

按理說，回答“好看”、“勤快”、“善良”、“會過日子”都行，我表哥的回答卻是：“我最喜歡你的背影。”

表嫂問：“為什么？”

表哥說：“前臉兒看膩了。”

這句話一出口，兩人就吵了起來。

快過年了，表嫂燙發了，回來問表哥：“你看我燙的發型漂亮嗎？才八十塊錢。”

表哥看了一眼：“還行。”

表嫂問：“什么還行？”

表哥說：“價錢還行。”

完了，兩人又吵一架。

有一回，表嫂問表哥：“你說實話，心里有別的女人嗎？”

表哥點點頭：“有。”

“誰？”

“我媽。”

“還有沒有？”

“有。”

“誰？”

“我大姨。”

“還有沒有？”

“還有你媽。行了吧？”

兩人又吵了起來。

晚上，討論吃什么。表嫂要吃魚，表哥要吃面條，各執己見。吵了半天，沒有結果，最后扔硬幣解決。字朝上吃魚，花朝上吃面條。表嫂把硬幣往上一扔，硬幣丁零當啷滾到樓下去了。沒辦法，兩人只能去外面下飯館兒。

點好飯菜，表哥要了一杯白酒，表嫂把酒倒掉。表哥急了：“你要找倒霉。”

表嫂不含糊：“對，你怎么著？”

表哥伸出三個手指頭：“第一，咱們PK決斗。”

表嫂說：“你打不過我。”

“第二，咱倆剪刀石頭布，三局兩勝。”

表嫂說：“你劃不過我的。第三呢？”

表哥說：“第三最簡單，我認錯。”

兩人又和好了。