Cruel conundrums

譚云飛

What would you do if the woman sitting next to you and your girlfriend in the cinema asks for help opening a bottle of water？” asked the “2018 Mens Love Examination，” an online quiz for Chinese males on their suitability as a partner.

Some were confused by the question， innocently wondering why anyone would not agree to help. These people may be too simple， and sometimes naive—at least， according to certain web-savvy men （and women）. The question was based on a supposed real-life incident which ignited a national debate in December 2017， after a Weibo user quarreled with her boyfriend due to his agreeing to aid a female stranger. Some felt the stranger was making a bizarre imposition; others thought that no gentleman would refuse such a request.

To help or not， that is the question. With so little consensus， these dilemmas are known as 送命題?（s7ngm#ngt！， “life-costing” or “fatal” questions）， indicating that any answer would cause problems. It might be a twist on 送分題?（s7ngf8nt！， grade-gifting questions）， a term widely used by teachers and students to describe easy exam questions that effectively “gift” points to the test-taker.

The expression first went viral online in 2016， when students at a Hubei university were assigned an 800-word essay on “Why do you （not） have a girlfriend/boyfriend？” as summer homework. One respondent， caught between the humiliation of having to explain his romantic failures and his desire to pass the class， exclaimed， “What a fatal question！”

Actually， perilous catch-22s have existed for centuries. Wives asking their husbands “If your mother and I fall into a river at the same time， who would you rescue first？” （如果我和你媽同時掉河里，你先救誰？R%gu6 w6 h9 n@ m` t5ngsh！ di3o h9li， n@ xi`n ji& sh9i？） is widely believed to be the first—or at least the most hackneyed—example of a loaded question in the Chinese language： It has over 2.27 million search results on Baidu with no consensus on an optimal answer. One urban legend claims that a mother-in-law skipped her daily square-dance session to learn swimming， just to set her sons mind at ease.

Fatal questions have since evolved to sound more innocuous， thus more sophisticated. A woman might ask her boyfriend：

When I was taking my medicine earlier， guess what I saw？

N@ c`i， w6 g`ngc1i ch～y3o de sh！hou k3nd3o le sh9nme？

你猜，我剛才吃藥的時候看到了

什么？

Woe betide the swain who actually tries to guess， instead of crying：

Honey， whats wrong？ Why did you need medicine？

B2ob-i， n@ z0nme le？ W-i sh9nme y3o ch～y3o？

寶貝，你怎么了？為什么要吃藥？

Negotiating such conversational landmines requires the ability to intuit danger and think several steps ahead to protect oneself—or 求生欲?（qi%sh8ngy&， “survival instinct”）. Therefore， “life-costing questions” are also known as “survival instinct tests.”

The government is in a position of power to suggest some of the deadliest conundrums. In 2017， after the State Administration of Press， Publication， Radio， Film and Television prohibited actors from appearing on variety shows with dyed hair， many celebrities flocked to the hairdressers to dye their locks back to a natural color. Just to be safe， though， one TV station edited black hair onto their stars heads， prompting netizens to exclaim， “What extreme survival instinct！” （求生欲太強了！Qi%sh8ngy& t3i qi1ng le！）

So whats a person with strong survival instincts supposed to do at the cinema？ Take the bottle， hand it to his girlfriend， and say： “Honey， can you open it for her？ If you cant， I will helpyou.”