Why We Pick Difficult Partners　人為什么會選難相處的伴侶

王冰

Theoretically， we are free to select the kind of person we love. We might have chosen someone else. Were not being forced into a relationship by social convention or match-making1 or dynastic2 imperatives. But in reality， our choice of lover is probably a lot less free than we imagine. Some very real constraints around whom we can love and feel properly attracted to come from a place we might not think to look： our childhoods. Our psychological history strongly predisposes3 us to fall for only certain types of people.

We love along grooves4 formed in childhood. We look for people who in many ways recreate the feelings of love we knew when we were small. The problem is that the love we imbibed5 in childhood was unlikely to have been made up simply of generosity， tenderness and kindness. Given the way the world is， love was liable to have come entwined with certain painful aspects： a feeling of not being quite good enough; a love for a parent who was fragile or depressed; a sense that one could never be fully vulnerable around a care-giver.

This predisposes us to look in adulthood for partners who wont necessarily simply be kind to us， but who will—most importantly—feel familiar; which can be a subtly but importantly different thing. We may be constrained to look away from prospective candidates because they dont satisfy a yearning for the complexities that we associate with love. We may describe someone as ‘not sexy or ‘boring when in truth we mean： unlikely to make me suffer in the way I need to suffer in order to feel that love is real.

Its common to advise people who are drawn to tricky candidates simply to leave them and find someone more wholesome. This is both theoretically appealing and often practically impossible. We cannot magically redirect the well-springs6 of attraction. Rather than aim for a transformation in the types of people we are attracted to， it may be wiser simply to adjust how we respond and behave around the occasionally difficult characters whom our past mandates7 we will find compelling.

Our problems are often generated because we continue to respond to compelling people in the way that we learn to behave as children around their templates. For instance， maybe we had a rather irate8 parent who often raised their voice. We loved them， and reacted by feeling that when they were angry， we must be guilty. We got timid or humble. Now if a partner （to whom we are magnetically drawn） gets cross9， we respond as squashed， brow-beaten children： we sulk10， we feel its our fault， we feel got at and yet deserving of criticism， we build up a lot of resentment. Or perhaps were drawn to someone with a short-fuse11—which makes us blow up12 in turn. Or if we had a fragile， vulnerable parent who was easily hurt， we readily end up with a partner who is also a bit weak and demands us to care for them; but then we get frustrated by their weakness—we tiptoe13 round them， we try to encourage and reassure （as we did when we were little）， but we also condemn this person for being undeserving.

We probably cant change our templates of attraction. But rather than seek to radically re-engineer our instincts， what we can do is try to learn to react to desirable candidates not as we did as children but in the more mature and constructive manner of a rational adult. There is an enormous opportunity to move ourselves from a childlike to a more adult pattern of response in relation to the difficulties we are attracted to.

Consider this table， column A： Partners tricky behaviour. Column B： the childlike response on our part. And column C： The more adult response we should aim for. So raising our voice could lead to a sense of “its my fault”. The more mature response might be， “This is their issue， I dont have to feel bad”. Or if the partner is rather patronising14， the childlike response might be： “Im so stupid.” But the more adult response might be： “There are lots of kinds of intelligence. And mine is fine.” And so on... Take a moment to look at the chart.

We are almost certainly with somebody with a particularly knotty15 set of issues which trigger our desires and our childlike defensive moves. The answer isnt to end the relationship， but rather to strive to deal with their compelling challenges with some of the wisdom of which we werent capable when we first encountered these in a parent or care-giver. It probably isnt in our remit16 to locate a wholly grown-up lover. But it is always in our remit to behave in more grown-up ways around our lovers less mature sides.

理論上，我們可以自由選擇去愛什么樣的人。我們本可以選擇其他人，而非現在的伴侶。并沒有社會習俗、媒妁之言甚或封建王命來強迫我們進入一段關系。但事實上，我們選擇愛人時也許遠遠不如自己想象的那樣自由。我們會愛上什么人、會被什么人真正吸引，有一些真實存在的限制，來自于一個我們也許從未想過去檢視的地方：童年。童年的心路歷程早已注定我們只會對某些特定類型的人動心。

我們沿著童年形成的心理軌跡去愛，尋找能夠在方方面面再現我們從小熟知的那種“愛”的感覺的人。問題在于，我們童年所接受的愛，不太可能純粹由寬宏、溫柔和善意構成。考慮到現實情況，愛也許常常交織伴隨著一些痛苦的體驗：認為自己不夠好的感受，對脆弱甚或抑郁消沉的父母的愛，或是認為人永遠不能在照料者面前完全暴露自己脆弱一面的觀念。

這些童年體驗讓我們成年后尋找伴侶時傾向于某一類人，他們不一定是真正對我們好的人，最重要的是，他們要讓我們產生熟悉的感覺——二者可能只有微妙的差異，但這差異非常重要。我們也許不得不放棄一些可能的對象，因為他們無法滿足我們內心對于自認為與愛相關的復雜體驗的渴望。我們也許會說這個人“不夠性感”或“無趣”，而事實上我們真正的意思是：這個人很可能無法讓我們以自己需要的方式遭受痛苦，而要感覺到愛的真實存在，這種痛苦是必需的。

對于喜歡上難相處之人的那些人，一般的建議就是趕緊分手，去尋找人格更加健全的伴侶。這一建議說起來很吸引人，但實際上常常無法實現。我們沒有什么神奇的力量能夠改變自己喜歡什么樣的人。我們的過去決定了我們會被什么樣的人吸引，與其改變我們會被什么類型的人吸引，更加明智的做法或許就是在他們偶爾難以相處時，調整我們的回應和行為。

我們的問題之所以產生，常常是因為我們繼續以孩提時學到的對待幼年監護人（我們成年后尋找伴侶的模板）的方式來回應吸引我們的人。例如，也許我們的父親或母親易怒，經常提高音量。我們愛他們，對他們這種表現的反應是：覺得如果父母生氣了，一定是因為我們做錯了什么。我們因此變得膽怯，或者說謙卑。那么長大以后，當我們的伴侶——如磁石般吸引我們的伴侶——生氣了，我們會沿用小時候那個被壓抑的、膽怯的自己的方式去回應：生悶氣，覺得是自己的錯，感覺到被攻擊被針對卻又理應遭受批評，累積起大量怨氣。又或許，我們會為某個脾氣暴躁的人所吸引，而這反過來又常常讓我們大發脾氣。再例如，如果我們的父母敏感脆弱容易受傷，我們最終很容易與一位同樣性格軟弱、需要我們照料關愛的伴侶結合。然而我們又會為伴侶的軟弱而沮喪：我們在他們面前小心翼翼，努力去鼓勵和安撫他們——正如我們小時候對父母所做的那樣，但同時我們又會責備他們不值得這樣的照顧。

我們也許無法改變吸引力的模板，但與其尋求徹底重塑本能，不如做我們力所能及的——學著作為理智的成年人，用更成熟、更富建設性的方式，而不是我們童年從父母身上習得的方式，去回應理想的對象。這是一個巨大的機會，面對吸引我們的種種麻煩，讓自己的應對方式從幼稚變得成熟。

思考這樣一個表格，A欄：伴侶讓我們難以應付的行為。B欄：我們習慣的幼稚回應方式。C欄：我們致力實現的更加成熟的回應方式。那么，提高音量會導致“是我的錯”這類愧疚感，而更加成熟的應對方式也許可以是：“這是他們的問題，我不必因此難過。”再或者，當伴侶以高人一等的方式對待我們，孩子氣的回應方式也許會是：“我太蠢了。”但更成熟的回應也許可以是：“聰明有很多種。我這種也不錯哦。”類似的例子還可以舉出很多。請花些時間去思考這一表格。

我們幾乎必然會與這樣的伴侶結合：他們帶來一系列難應付的問題，這些問題觸發我們內在的欲望，同時也會觸發我們孩童時代沿襲至今的自衛行動。對于這些問題，我們的答案不是分手，而是要調動智慧——我們小時候與父母或其他監護人相處中初次遭遇這些問題時還不具備的智慧——盡力去解決他們帶來的美妙挑戰。我們也許并沒有責任去找到一個完全成熟的愛人，但以更加成熟的方式去面對愛人不那么成熟的一面，卻永遠是我們的責任所在。

（譯者為“《英語世界》杯”翻譯大賽獲獎者）

1 match-making做媒。? 2 dynastic王朝的。? 3 predispose使傾向于。? 4 groove常規;習慣。? 5 imbibe吸收，接受（信息等）。

6 well-spring源泉。? 7 mandate命令，指示。

8 irate暴怒的。? 9 get cross生氣，發脾氣。? 10 sulk生悶氣。? 11 short-fuse暴躁脾氣。? 12 blow up大發脾氣。? 13 tiptoe踮著腳走，躡手躡腳地走。

14 patronising自命不凡的，自認為高人一等的。? 15 knotty復雜棘手的。

16 in ones remit在職權范圍內。