Conflict Can Be a Bonus

By Zhao Yongjiu

As it often happens,people tend to avoid conflict with their spouses for the sake of a sustainable relationship.But as a matter of fact,this may lead to some hidden troubles.Keeping discontentment and grievances bottled up in your mind is like pumping a balloon,which will eventually explode one day when the pressure becomes too much.

Conflict with your loved one is also an art.Healthy conflict can strengthen the bond in a relationship and deepen mutual understanding.

No Need to Fear Conflict

People who are terrified of conflict often grow up in a family full of tension and quarrels,with the father and mother often abusing each other,draining love and warmth out of the family.Children growing up in such families might have an aversion to their parent’s way of living.When they reach adulthood,some of them go to the opposite extreme,and run away at the slightest hint of discord with their spouses,creating a prevailing mood of harmony.But from a long-term perspective,they’re simply suppressing all discontent,which is unwise,and not helpful in building a lasting relationship.

In fact,conflictis the mechanism by which both parties get to know each other,and set boundaries.Via conflict,you’ll learn more about your partner’s expectations and dissatisfactions about you,and the understanding between you and your partner will increase.

Emotionally-charged Conflict

The reason why people often feel hurt after a fight is because some people resort to blame,criticism,and name-calling during an argument.They strongly oppose each other’s point of view,or even attack their characters.Although it works in letting off steam,it does great harm to the relationship.

人們往往刻意回避與愛人發生沖突，盡量不吵架，以求愛情更長久。可事實是，刻意回避吵架，反而會為婚戀關系埋下隱患。不滿情緒壓抑在內心，就像不斷充氣的氣球，總有一天會因為承受不了壓力而爆破。

吵架也是一門藝術，有效的爭吵能增進兩人的感情，加深彼此了解。

不要害怕吵架

通常，害怕吵架的人兒時多成長在充滿爭吵的家庭中，父母經常彼此傷害，家庭中缺少溫暖和愛。成長在這樣的家庭中的孩子，不認可父母的模式，成年后有一些人會在婚戀關系中極力避免發生爭吵，制造一團和氣，但從長遠來看，是把種種不滿都積壓下來。子女的方式是父母的另一個極端，也是不可取的，不利于感情的長期經營。

其實，吵架是一個雙方相互了解和試探邊界的過程，通過這個過程，對方對自己的期望和不滿，往往會通過吵架的言語傳遞過來，彼此會更加了解。

用述情方式吵

吵架之所以會傷害感情，是因為很多人吵架都使用指責、抱怨甚至中傷的話語，極力否定對方，甚至貶低對方人格。這很解氣，但對雙方感情危害極大。

述情就是用帶著愛的方式表達自己的需求、想法和感受。比如，你完全可以帶著情緒對愛人說：“今天下午說好了你來接我的，你居然忘了，我很失望，也很生氣。”盡管語氣中有情緒，但只是表達自己的感受，沒有傷害對方的語言。這樣的方式既可以宣泄情緒，又向對方表達了不滿，還不會傷害關系。

及時修復關系

冷戰對愛人之間的關系影響比較大，雙方吵完架后，情緒先平靜下來的一方要積極主動地修復關系。

情緒先平靜下來的一方多半是女人，多數男人的情緒來得慢，去得也慢。女人如果情緒已經平靜，要及時與對方修復關系，簡單說就是去哄哄對方，并且可以趁機把自己更多的想法說出來，使溝通更加充分，彼此也更加了解。

Emotionally-charged communication means to voice needs,thoughts,and feelings with love.For example,you can tell your spouse,in a sulky mood,“You promised to pick me up in the afternoon,but you totally forgot about it.I’m really disappointed and upset.” Rather than resorting to hurtful words,it is the angry tone in your voice that exposes your feelings.In this way,you can not only vent out anger,but also express your discontent,and the relationship will not be ruined.

Restore a Relationship in Time

A cold war has a relatively big impact on a relationship.After a fight,the one who calms down first should take the initiative to break the ice and restore the relationship.

1.目前的紀錄為300 千克。1931 年，世界重量級拳王麥克斯·貝爾在與對手俄尼·沙夫的對決中，揮出致命一拳。6 個月后，俄尼·沙夫因重傷身亡。

Generally,women cool off first,and most men are a bit slow to anger and slow to calm down.When women calm down,they’d better lead the way,and bring the relationship back on track in time.Simply put,to humor her husband,and,in the meantime,to tell him more about what she thinks,so that they’ll know each other better.

If the husband gets a grip on his emotions first,he should go and pamper the wife.Things are easier that way.Simply saying “I love you” will always work.Women,even in a rage,cannot resist the charm of the sentence.They just love hearing it.

But if the wife shuts down and refuses to speak at the time,the husband doesn’t need to worry.Give her some time,but try to resolve the issue within the day.

Avoid Having the Same Old Fight

This is the key to dwindling the times of conflict.Once you’ve argued about one issue,you must summarize the cause in a timely manner,communicate with each other actively,and find out if there is any room for improvement.If not,then you should accept it.

By actively solving the problem,and seeking for ways of resolving differences after a fight,both parties will find a better way to get along with each other,and they’ll eventually get into fewer arguments.

Following the above rules will improve happiness and well being by increasing intimacy in a relationship,and the bond between lovers will be tighter and more secure.

(FromAfter Work,July 2012.Translation:Zhu Yaguang)

如果這個時候對方還不愿意溝通，也不要著急，給對方一點時間，但這個過程盡量在當天完成。

每種原因只吵一次

這是使吵架的次數越來越少的關鍵。同樣一件事情，一旦有過爭吵，就要及時總結原因，積極溝通，尋找可以改進的地方。如無法改進，就接納這一點。

積極地去解決問題。爭吵過后就去尋求解決和調適的方法，彼此會越來越能找到與對方相處的方法，兩人之間的爭吵才會越來越少。

把握好以上幾點，會使愛人之間更相愛，幸福指數更高，關系也更加牢固長久。

（摘自《八小時以外》2012年第7 期）