Hold Your Head Up Highby Vickie Leach

心田

I was fifteen months old， a happy carefree kid... until the day I fell. It was a bad fall. I landed on a glass rabbit， which cut my eye badly enough to blind it. Trying to save the eye， the doctors stitched the eyeball together where it was cut， leaving a big ugly scar in the middle of my eye. The attempt failed， but my mama， in all of her wisdom， found a doctor who knew that if the eye were removed entirely， my face would grow up badly distorted， so my scarred， sightless， cloudy and gray eye lived on with me. And as I grew， this sightless eye in so many ways controlled me.

I walked with my face looking at the floor so people would not see the ugly me. Sometimes people， even strangers， asked me embarrassing questions or made hurtful remarks. When the kids played games， I was always the “monster”. I grew up imagining that everyone looked at me with disdain， as if my appearance were my fault. I always felt like I was a freak.

Yet Mama would say to me， at every turn， “Hold your head up high and face the world.” It became a litany that I relied on. ?I was told so when I was young. She would hold me in her arms and stroke my hair and say， “If you hold your head up high， it will be okay， and people will see your beautiful soul.” She continued this message whenever I wanted to hide.

Those words have meant different things to me over the years. As a little child， I thought Mama meant， “Be careful or you will fall down or bump into something because you are not looking.” As an adolescent， even though I tended to look down to hide my shame， I found that sometimes when I held my head up high and let people know me， they liked me. My mama's words helped me begin to realize that by letting people look at my face， I let them recognize the intelligence and beauty behind both eyes even if they couldn't see it on the surface.

In high school I was successful both academically and socially. I was even elected class president， but on the inside I still felt like a freak. All I really wanted was to look like everyone else. When things got really bad， I would cry to my mama and she would look at me with loving eyes and say， “Hold your head up high and face the world. Let them see the beauty that is inside.”

When I met the man who became my partner for life， we looked each other straight in the eye， and he told me I was beautiful inside and out. He meant it. My mama's love and encouragement was the spark that gave me the confidence to overcome my own doubt. I had faced adversity， encountered my problems head on， and learned not only to appreciate myself but

also to have deep compassion for others.

“Hold your head up high，” has been heard many times in my home. Each of my children has felt its invitation. The gift my mama gave me lives on in another generation.

15個月大的時候，我跌了一跤。在那之前，我是一個快樂的、無憂無慮的小寶寶。那一跤摔得很厲害，我跌在一個玻璃兔上面，它把我的眼睛劃傷了，而且傷得非常嚴重，足以把我的眼睛弄瞎。為了盡量保住我的眼睛，醫生們把我的眼球從被玻璃切開的地方縫合在一起，結果是在我的眼睛中間留下了一道奇丑無比的疤痕。那次嘗試失敗了。但我媽媽想盡一切辦法，找到一位醫生。那位醫生知道，如果我的眼球被完全移走，我的臉就會隨著我的成長而扭曲變形，因此，我的那只帶有疤痕的、失明的、混濁的、灰白的眼睛就被保留了下來。當我長大以后，這只失明的眼睛在很多方面影響著我的生活。

我走路的時候，總是低著頭看著地面，以便人們看不到丑陋的我。有時候，人們，甚至是一些陌生的人們，會問一些令我感到困窘的問題或者發表一些刺傷我的言論。在孩子們玩游戲的時候，我總是充當“惡人”的角色。在成長的過程中，我總是認為每一個人在看著我的時候，眼神里都充滿著輕蔑，好像相貌不佳是我的過錯似的。我總覺得自己是一個怪物。

但是，一有機會，媽媽就會對我說：“昂起你的頭，面對這個世界?！彼蔀槲屹囈砸揽康?、持久的鼓勵。在我很小很小的時候，她就開始用那句話勉勵我了。她會把我抱在懷里，撫摸著我的頭發說：“如果昂起你的頭，一切都會好的，人們將會看見你美麗的心靈?！泵糠晡蚁胩颖艿臅r候，她就會用這句話鼓勵我。

在過去我成長的歲月里，那些話對我的意義是不盡相同的。當我是一個小孩子的時候，我認為媽媽的意思是：“小心一點，否則你就會摔倒或者撞到什么東西上，因為你沒看?！碑斘沂且粋€青少年的時候，即使我想低頭向下看，以掩蓋我的疤痕，我有時也會發現，當我昂起頭，讓人們認識我的時候，他們也會喜歡我。媽媽的話幫助我意識到，即使人們從表面上看不見隱藏在我的雙眸后面的智慧和美麗，但是，通過讓人們看著我的臉，我還是可以讓他們賞識到這一點的。

在上中學的時候，我在學習和社交方面都獲得了成功。我甚至被選為了班長，可在內心里，我仍然覺得自己像個怪物。我真正希望的是看起來和別人一樣。當事情變得非常糟糕的時候，我會哭著去找媽媽，她會用一雙充滿憐愛的眼睛看著我說：“昂起你的頭，面對這個世界。讓他們看見你內在的美?！?/p>

當我遇到那個成為我的終身伴侶的男人時，我們彼此直視著對方的眼睛，他告訴我，我的內心和外表都是美麗的。他說的是真心話。媽媽的愛和鼓勵讓我有信心戰勝自我的疑慮?，F在，我已經面對了不幸，遭遇了迎面而來的困難，學會了不僅要欣賞自己，還要對別人懷以深切的同情。

“昂起你的頭”，已經成為我們家里常說的一句話。我的每一個孩子都把它當作一種鼓勵。媽媽給我的這份禮物在下一代人的生活中延續下去。

河北灤縣 ?心 ?田 ?供稿