How Cultures Around the World Think About Parenting不同文化育兒面面觀

埃米·S.崔　蘇揚/譯

The crisis of American parenting is that nobody knows what the hell theyre doing. Many American parents seek the advice of expert after expert in the field in order to succeed at one goal： to raise the happiest， the most successful， and the most well-adjusted leaders of the future.

美國式育兒的危機在于，沒人知道父母們究竟在做什么：眾多美國父母滿世界尋求專家建議，意在實現一個目標——培養出一等幸福、頂級成功、最具適應力的未來領導者。

But what dangers lay in thinking that there is one “right” way to parent？ How much of how we parent is actually dictated by our culture？ How do the ways we parent express the essentialness of who we are， as a nation？

但執著于一種“正確”的育兒套路，會面臨哪些危險？文化究竟在多大程度上左右著我們的育兒方式？育兒方式又如何反映我們的民族特質？

In reporting her book All Joy and No Fun： The Paradox of Modern Parenthood1， says Jennifer Senior， when she asked mothers who they went to for parenting advice， they named friends， websites and books. None named their own mothers. Only the most current child-rearing strategies were desired， in order to best position their children for achievement in the future.

詹妮弗·西尼爾在推介自己的新書《所有的幸與不幸：現代親子悖論》時說，她曾問過媽媽們，碰到育兒問題，她們向誰求教？答案是朋友、網站和書本，卻沒人提自己的母親。為了讓子女占據有利位置以在未來取得成功，她們只追最新的育兒秘笈。

In other words， that which is most American about us—our belief that the future is unwritten—is what is driving us mad as parents.

換句話說，美國人相信未來并非命定，這一觀念是美國人最突出的特性，也是讓美國父母在育兒上如此抓狂的原因。

“You dont see the handwringing in other places around the world，” says Christine Gross-Loh， author of Parenting Without Borders. “People understand that there is a way to do things.”

“在世界其他地方，見不到這種極端的育兒焦慮。”《育兒無國界》的作者克里斯蒂娜·格羅斯-洛感嘆道，“人們都明白，船到橋頭自然直。”

In Norway， childhood is strongly institutionalized， says Norwegian sociologist and economist Margunn Bjornholt. Indeed， most children enter state-sponsored daycare at 1 year old （parents first get almost a full year of state-sponsored leave from work）， then enter school and organized activities.

挪威社會學家、經濟學家馬爾貢·比約恩霍爾特說，挪威人的童年高度圈養化。確實如此，多數孩子一歲進公立日托（父母先享有近一整年的國家付薪產假），然后升入小學并參加各類團體活動。

Norwegians believe that it is better for children to be in daycare as toddlers. At daycare， methods reflect the countrys fetishistic dedication to fresh air. So even in Oslo， where arguably the indoor air quality is fresher， and even in Scandinavian2 winters， children are bundled up and taken outside to nap in their strollers.

挪威人認為，幼兒剛會走路時就送進日托比較好。日托的一些育兒方法反映出，挪威人對新鮮空氣極度癡迷。所以，即使在奧斯陸這個按理室內空氣質量優于室外的城市，甚至在斯堪的納維亞寒冷的冬季，也能看到孩子們被裹得嚴嚴實實帶到戶外，在嬰兒車里小睡。

Craziness？ Culture. In Japan， where Gross-Loh lives part of the year， she lets her 4-year-old daughter run errands with her 7-year-old sister and 11-year-old brother—without parental supervision. Her kids dont hesitate to take the Tokyo subways by themselves and walk on busy streets alone， just like their Japanese peers. But when she comes back to the States， Gross-Loh doesnt allow the same.

瘋狂吧？這就是文化。格羅斯-洛每年都在日本居住一段時間，她會讓4歲的女兒跟著7歲的姐姐和11歲的哥哥一起去當小跑腿，家長也不看著。就跟日本的同齡孩子一樣，兄妹三人自己乘坐東京的地鐵，自己獨自走在熙熙攘攘的大街上，一點不犯怵。但是一回美國，她就不會讓孩子們這么做。

“If I let them out on their own like that in the U.S.， I wouldnt just get strange looks，” she says. “Somebody would call Child Protective Services.”

“要是我在美國讓孩子這樣獨自出門，不只會收到別人的異樣目光，還會有人給兒童保護服務局打電話。”她說。

Both in Japan and Norway， parents are focused on cultivating independ-ence. Children do things alone early， whether its walking to school or to the movies. The frames， however， are different. In Scandinavia， there is an emphasis on a democratic relationship between parents and children. In Sweden especially， the “rights” of a child are important. For example， a child has the “right” to access their parents bodies for comfort， and therefore should be allowed into their parents bed with them in the middle of the night. If a parent doesnt allow them， they are both denying them their rights and being a neglectful parent. In parts of Asia， meanwhile， co-sleeping with a family member through late childhood is common. Korean parents spend more time holding their babies and having physical contact than most. But within a family， obedience is key—not democracy.

在日本和挪威，父母都注重培養孩子的獨立性——孩子從小獨立做事，不論是步行上學還是去看電影——但兩種體系又有區別。斯堪的納維亞地區強調民主的親子關系，特別是在瑞典，孩子的“權利”很重要。比如，孩子有“權利”依偎在父母身邊尋求安慰，所以半夜應被允許上父母的床。父母不讓的話，就是剝奪孩子權利、不管孩子。在亞洲一些地區，挺大的孩子與家庭成員同睡很常見。在韓國，父母抱孩子和與孩子身體接觸的時間比大多數國家的父母要長，但關起門來，服從——而非民主——才是關鍵。

In Jewish tradition， says Wendy Mogel， a clinical psychologist and author of The Blessing of a B Minus： Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Resilient Teenagers， theres a teaching in the Talmud3 that every parent has an obligation to teach their child how to swim.

臨床心理醫生溫迪·莫格爾是《中等偏下的好處：聽猶太真言，養皮實孩子》一書的作者。她說，猶太人遵從《塔木德》的一條教誨：做父母的，都有責任讓孩子學會泅水。

“Were supposed to be raising our children to leave us，” she says. “They must develop self-reliance and resourcefulness and resilience， which is a challenge， because we must allow our children to make mistakes.”

“猶太人養育子女是期望他們未來離家可以獨立生活，孩子必須自立、善應變、有韌性，這不容易，因為我們必須允許孩子犯錯。”她說。

This is enormously hard for American parents to do. “Parents are genuinely anxious about really big things like the melting ice caps and collapsing economy and the unending4 stories about violence and predators5 and college admissions，” says Mogel. “They displace all of these fears of things they cant control onto the one thing they believe they can control， which is children.”

對美國父母來說，這極難做到。“其實父母很擔心一些真正的大事，如冰蓋融化、經濟崩潰、無休止的暴力事件和尾隨作案、高校招生等，可這些問題他們無力控制，于是就將由此產生的憂慮轉移到他們唯一自感可控的事情上，那就是孩子。”莫格爾說。

American parents are highly focused on making sure that their childrens talents are groomed6 for success. Sara Harkness， a professor in the Department of Human Development and Family Studies at the University of Connecticut and a pioneering researcher on parenting and culture， found that nearly 25 percent of all of the descriptors7 used by American parents were a derivation of “smart，” “gifted” or “advanced.” “Our sense of needing to push children to maximize potential is partly driven by fear of the child failing in an increasingly competitive world where you cant count on the things that our parents could count on，” Harkness suggests.

美國的父母心心念念想的是培養孩子各項才能，為成功鋪路。薩拉·哈克尼斯是康涅狄格大學人類發展與家庭研究系教授，是率先研究育兒與文化問題的學者。她發現，美國父母描述孩子時使用的所有語詞中，有近1/4衍生自“聰明”“天賦”和“先進”。哈克尼斯表示，“必須最大限度挖掘孩子潛力這樣的想法部分源于我們擔心孩子在競爭日益激烈的世界中失敗，過去我們的父母能依靠的那些東西，我們現在已經指望不上了” 。

This is not unlike many Asian nations， where parenting， from a very early age， is focused highly on academics and college acceptance. One Korean mother who Harkness interviewed played English tapes to her 2-month-old baby “because its never too early to start，” she says. The parents primary role is as an educator， and the childs role is to respect the parent and repay them with sacrifices.

這與亞洲許多國家并無二致。按照亞洲人的育兒觀，在孩子很小的時候就應特別著力于學習和考大學。哈克尼斯采訪過的一位韓國媽媽給兩個月大的孩子播放英語磁帶，說“起步越早越好”。韓國父母的首要角色是教育者，孩子則要尊重父母、不惜做出犧牲回報父母。

In the Netherlands， meanwhile， parents used “smart” to describe their children only 10 percent of the time. Dutch parents believe strongly in not pushing their children too hard.

而在荷蘭，父母用“聰明”這個詞談論孩子的幾率只有1/10。他們堅信，不能把孩子逼得太厲害。

Instead， regularly scheduled rest， food and a pleasant environment are the top priorities for Dutch parents.

荷蘭父母優先考慮的是讓孩子按時按點休息、吃飯，營造快樂環境。

The American desire for solutions is starting to radiate outwards. A growing awareness of the scarcity of resources， and the potential for true social mobility， is increasing the pressure on parents globally to “parent” their kids， as a verb.

美國人的求解欲正在向外擴散。人們日益認識到資源短缺以及社會流動可能真正實現，這種意識加大了全球父母“雞娃”的壓力。

The U.S.， home to immigrants who bring their own traditions from around the world， is uniquely positioned to both learn and let go. American parents can recast8 their scriptlessness as they see fit， drawing on both global tradition and present theory. Will they？ Tomorrows children may decide.

美國是個移民國家，世界各地的移民帶來了自己的傳統，因此美國人有得天獨厚的條件吸收和摒棄。無論是各國傳統還是現有理論，只要覺得合適，美國父母都可以吸收利用，重新打造他們的無腳本教育。他們會這樣做嗎？未來的孩子們會做出抉擇。