死于１７歲

Ｊｏｈｎ　Ｂｅｒｒｉｏ　約翰·貝里奧

李 燕/編譯

Agony claws my mind. I am a statistic. When I first got here,I felt very much alone. I was overwhelmed by grief, and I expected to find sympathy.

I found no sympathy. I saw only thousands of others whose bodies were as badly mangled as mine. I was given a number and placed in a category. The category was called “traffic fatalities”.

The day I died was an ordinary school day. How I wish I had taken the bus! But I was too cool for the bus. I remember how I wheedled the car out of Mom. “Special favor,”I pleaded.“All the kids drive.” When the 2:50 P.M. bell rang,I threw my books in the locker. Free until tomorrow morning! I ran to the parking lot,excited at the thought of driving a car and being my own boss.

It doesnt matter how the accident happened,I was goofing off—going too fast, taking crazy chances. But I was enjoying my freedom and having fun. The last thing I remember was passing an old lady who seemed to be going awfully slow. I heard a crash and felt a terrific jolt. Glass and steel flew everywhere. My whole body seemed to be turning inside out. I heard myself scream.

Suddenly,I awakened. It was very quiet. A police officer was standing over me. I saw a doctor. My body was mangled. I was saturated with blood. Pieces of jagged glass were sticking out all over. Strange that I couldnt feel anything. Hey,dont pull that sheet over my head. I cant be dead. Im only 17. Ive got a date tonight. Im supposed to have a wonderful life ahead of me. I havent lived yet. I cant be dead!

Later I was placed in a drawer. My folks came to identify me. Why did they have to see me like this?Why did I have to look at Moms eyes when she faced the most terrible ordeal of her life?Dad suddenly looked very old. He told the man in charge,“Yes—he is our son.”

The funeral was weird. I saw all my relatives and friends walk toward the casket. They looked at me with the saddest eyes Ive ever seen. Some of my buddies were crying. A few of the girls touched my hand and sobbed as they walked by.

Please—somebody—wake me up!Get me out of here. I cant bear to see Mom and Dad in such pain. My grandparents are so weak from grief they can barely walk. My brother and sister are like zombies. They move like robots. In a daze. Everybody. No one can believe this. I cant believe it, either.

Please dont bury me! Im not dead! I have a lot of living to do! I want to laugh and run again. I want to sing and dance. Please dont put me in the ground!I promise if you give me just one more chance,God,Ill be the most careful driver in the whole world. All I want is one more chance. Please,God,Im only 17.

From chicken soup

痛苦撕扯著我的意識。我只是一個統計數字。我第一次來這兒，感到很孤獨。我被悲傷壓垮了，我期待著獲得同情。

我無法尋求同情。我只發現了數以千計的人，也像我的軀體一樣嚴重面目全非了。我被編了號，安置在一類中。這一類被稱為“交通事故死亡”。

我死去的那天是一個平常上學的日子。我多么希望乘坐的是公共汽車啊！可是我覺得乘公共汽車太涼了。我記得怎樣用花言巧語從母親那里哄到了汽車。“特別恩惠，”我懇求著。“所有的年輕人都開車。”下午2：50鈴聲一響，我把書扔進書柜里。明天早晨以前是自由的了！我匆忙地跑向停車場，興奮于駕駛著汽車而自己說了算的想法中。

事故是如何發生的都無所謂了，我正在閑蕩——車速太快了，正在瘋狂地冒險。可是我正享受著自由的樂趣，盡情地玩著。我記得的最后一件事是與一位似乎走得非常慢的老太太擦肩而過。我聽到了碰撞聲，感到異乎尋常的震動。玻璃與鋼片飛濺得到處都是。我整個身體好像翻江倒海一般。我聽到了自己的尖叫聲。

突然，我蘇醒了。非常寂靜。一位警官正盯著我。我看到一位醫生。我的身體面目全非。我被血液浸透了。全身都裸露著尖突的玻璃碎片。奇怪的是我什么也感覺不到。嘿，不要把被單拽到我頭上。我不能死。我只有17歲。今晚我有一個約會。我誤以為前面還有精彩的人生。可是我已不能生存了。我不能死！

后來，我被放在一個抽屜里。我親屬來辨認我。他們為什么不得不這樣見我呢？為什么當媽媽面對著生活中最可怕的折磨時，我不得不看她的眼神？父親忽然顯得很老了。他告訴主管人，“是的——他是我們兒子。”

葬禮是可怕的。我看見所有的親戚與朋友都朝那個棺材走去。他們用我曾見到的最難過的眼神看著我。我的一些同伴正在哭泣。幾個女孩碰了碰我的手，他們走近時都抽噎著。

請——某個人——喚醒我吧！讓我離開這兒。看到媽媽與爸爸如此痛苦我無法忍受。我的祖父母由于悲痛是那樣虛弱，他們只能勉強走路。我的哥哥和姐姐像麻木遲鈍的人。他們像機器人一樣挪動著。沉浸于一片茫然之中。每個人都這樣。沒有人能相信這種事。我也不會相信。

請不要埋葬我！我沒有死！我有許多事要做！我想再大笑，再奔跑！我想唱歌，跳舞。請不要把我放于土壤中！上帝啊，我保證，如果您只要再給我一次機會，我將是整個世界中最細心的駕手。我所想要的是再多一次機會。幫幫我吧，上帝啊，我只有17歲。

選自《心靈雞湯》