我的故事

The journey in between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place.

在從過去到現在的蛻變旅程中，你的生命舞曲才真正開始。

I never thought about killing myself; it just became a condition，kind of like catching a cold. One minute you are fine， and the next minute you are sick. whenever people would talk about suicide， I would think to myself，\" I would never do that.\" Why would someone want to do something so final， so stupid?

我從沒想過我會自殺，但它恰恰成了一個很平常的狀態，就像感冒一樣。前一分鐘你還感覺很好，下一分鐘就病了。無論什么時候，當人們談到自殺，我總會想：“我絕不會那樣做。”為什么會有人想要做如此終結性的、愚蠢的事呢？

For me， I just wanted the pain to stop. And it got to the point where I was willing to do whatever it took to make that happen.

對我來說，我只是想終結痛苦。這就說到了重點——我不惜一切代價想讓痛苦停止。

I am 16. I spend the summer with my mom and during the school year I live with my dad. I feel like an inconvenience to both of them. At my mom's home I have no room. My mom isn't there for me when I need her because she always has something more important to do.

我今年16歲。我用了整個夏天和媽媽待在一起，在上學期間就與爸爸生活在一起。對他們倆來說我就好像一個麻煩。在我媽媽家我沒有自己的房間。當我需要她的時候她不在我身邊，因為她總有更重要的事情要做。

I was having trouble with my friends. The ones I had not lost already to \"different lifestyles\" were unable to help me. In their own words， my problems were\"too much\" for them. The intensity of my pain seared them， like it did me.

我與朋友的相處也遇到了麻煩。那些我還沒有失去的“生活方式不同”的朋友們對我沒有一點幫助。用他們的話來說，我的麻煩多出他們的想象。他們和我一樣，被我強烈的痛苦灼傷。

Oh， yeah...did I mention my boyfriend， John， had dumped me that day? My first boyfriend had left me， too. He said I had become impossible to love and now John was gone， too. And it wasn't that I would be without him that mattered...it was me. What was wrong with me? Why is it so hard to love me and why is it that when it gets hard， everyone bails?

哦對了……我有提到我的男朋友約翰那天拋棄了我嗎？我的第一任男朋友也離開了我。他說他已經不可能再愛我了，現在約翰也離我而去了。有沒有他在我身邊并不重要，重要的是我自己。我到底出了什么問題？為什么愛我就那么難或者說為什么當它變得困難時，每個人都離開了？

I was alone. All I had were the voices in my head telling me that I was never going to be loved once someone really got to know me. I felt that I wasn't even good enough to be loved by my own parents.

我形單影只。我所擁有的一切就只是腦海里的聲音，告訴我，一旦某人真正了解了我就絕不會再愛我。我感覺我不夠好甚至連我的父母都不愛我。

You know， when you are really hurting， you feel like you can just call the person and tell him or her how much it hurts and they'll say，\"oh， I am so sorry; I didn't mean to hurt you; hang on， I will be right there\". Well， I called and I was crying， and I said it hurts too much， please come and talk to me. He said he couldn't help me...and he hung up.

你知道，當你真正受到傷害時，你覺得只用給那個人打電話告訴他或她你的傷痛有多深然后他們就會說：“噢，真的很抱歉，我并不想要傷害你，別掛斷，我很快就到”嗎？我哭著打了電話，說我受傷很深，求他來陪我說說話。他說他幫不了我……然后掛斷了電話。

I went into my mom's bathroom and took a bottle of Tylenol PM， some tranquilizers and a couple pain pills I had left from an injury. Soon the pain would be over.

我走進媽媽的浴室，拿了一瓶泰諾鎮痛劑，一些安眠藥和我上次發生意外傷害留下的幾片止痛藥。很快痛苦就會永遠過去。

I will spare you the gruesome details of what followed. It was a whole new kind of pain. Physically， I puked until I couldn't move. Emotionally， I was more scared than I have ever been...I did not want to die.(Statistics show that immediately after \"attempting\" suicide， the person desperately wants to live...not die， which makes it even sadder to think about those who do succeed.)Luckily for me， I did not die. But I hurt my body (my stomach still aches). And I scared and hurt a lot of people. I scared myself， but I didn't die and I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am about that.

下面我給你講一下接下來發生的可怕事情的細節。這是種全新的痛苦。生理上，我殘喘著直到不能再動彈。情感上，我產生了從沒有過的害怕……我并不想死。（據統計顯示，“試圖”自殺之后的人很快就會有強烈的求生欲望，這就讓我們覺得那些自殺成功了的人更可悲了。）幸運的是我沒有死掉。但我傷害了我的身體（我的胃還在疼），還驚嚇、傷害到了許多人。我也嚇到了自己，但我沒有死掉，我忍不住要告訴你我有多么慶幸。

I did not want to write this story， but I did want to help anyone else who might be thinking about it or who is in a lot of pain.

我并不想寫這個故事，但我確實想幫助那些也許想過自殺或正處于極度痛苦中的人。

It has been a month since that night. I have laughed at least 500 times. I have a therapist who really cares about me and we are making real progress in building up my confidence. She is also helping my mom and dad become \"better parents\". I have realized that they really do care and that they are doing the best that they can. I have a new friend who has gone through some hard stuff herself. My intense feelings do not scare her， and we know what it means to \"be there\" for someone you care about. I have worked things out with some of my old friends and we are closer than ever. I have earned $500 and spent it all on myself ... without guilt (well， maybe a little). And I am starting to forgive myself.

從那個夜晚到現在已經有一個月了。我嘲笑自己不下500次。我有一個真正關心我的治療師，我們正在不斷地重建我的自信心。她也幫助我的媽媽爸爸成為“更好的家長”。我也意識到他們真正開始關心我并竭盡他們所能。我交了個新朋友，她自己也經歷了一段很艱難的過程。我敏感的神經并沒有嚇著她，而且我們都知道什么叫做“在你身邊”。我和一些老朋友也重歸于好并且比以前的關系更密切了。我把賺來的500美金全用在了自己身上，沒有一絲負罪感（也許有一點點）。我正開始原諒我自己。

Oh， yeah...I met a guy. He is really sweet and he knows \"my story\".

哦，對了……我遇到個小伙子。他真的很可愛，而且他也知道“我的故事”。

Life gets really hard sometimes and really painful. For me， I couldn't feel everyone else's love because I had forgotten how to love myself. I'm learning now—learning how to accept， forgive and love myself. And I'm learning that things change. Pain dose go away， and happiness is the other side. Although the pain comes back， so does the happiness. It is like waves in the ocean coming and going...coming and going...breathing in and breathing out.

生活有時候真的很艱辛、痛苦。對我來說，我無法感受到別人的愛因為我已經忘記如何去愛自己。我正在學習——學習如何接受、原諒和愛護自己。我還學會了事情是會改變的。痛苦確實遠離了，而幸福就在彼岸。即使痛苦會又一次來到，但幸福也會隨之來臨。它就像海洋中的浪濤一樣，一浪一浪……吞吐往復……

◆編輯：譚添夏