高考作文習作點評（２４）

★2008年高考英語(江蘇卷)作文題目★

第五部分:書面表達(滿分25分)

實現有效的溝通，建立良好的人際關系，不僅要善于言表，更要學會傾聽。請你根據下表中所提供的信息，寫一篇題為“Being a Good Listener”的英文演講稿。

為何傾聽表示尊重，增進理解，建立良好的人際關系

家長傾聽孩子 理解孩子，消除代溝……

誰來傾聽老師傾聽學生 了解孩子，滿足需求……

同學相互傾聽 增進友誼，互幫互學……

怎樣傾聽(請考生聯系自己，擬定內容，列舉兩至三點)

注意:

1. 對所給要點逐一陳述，適當發揮，不要簡單翻譯;

2. 詞數150詞左右，開頭和結尾已經寫好，不計入總詞數;

3. 演講稿中不得提及考生所在學校及本人姓名。

學生習作與點評

學生習作:

The topic of my speech today is \"Being a Good Listener\".

Being a good listener， which enhances understanding and shows respect， is a basis to develop a sound 1interperson relationship.

Personally， I think that parents should listen more to their children， which is helpful to understand 2their 3inner thoughts and narrow the generation gap， 4that is ubiquitous between parents and children in modern society; teachers should listen more to 5the students， 6which will contribute a lot to understanding their different needs and developing their characters; students should listen more to their classmates， because each of them has their own thoughts which will enrich their life and enlarge their knowledge. Besides， a good friendship can be developed as a result.

As for me， I would like to become a good listener for I believe it will perfect my life. I suggest that each of us 7tried our best to listen more to others. We should be open enough to listen to different opinions; we should not interrupt others when they are talking; last but most important， we should listen to others with our heart.

Thank you for your listening!

原文修改稿:

The topic of my speech today is \"Being a Good Listener\".

Being a good listener， which enhances understanding and shows respect， is a basis to develop a sound interpersonal relationship.

Personally， I think parents should listen more to their children， which is helpful to understand children's thoughts and narrow the generation gap; teachers should listen more to students to better understand their needs and to become familiar with them; students should listen more to their classmates， because each of them has their own thoughts which will enrich their life and enlarge their knowledge. Besides， a good friendship can be developed as a result.

As for me， I would like to become a good listener for I believe it will perfect my life. I suggest that each of us (should) try our best to listen more to others. We should be open enough to listen to different opinions; we should not interrupt others when they are talking; last but most important， we should listen to others with our heart.

Thank you for your listening!

整體點評

文章涵蓋了所有要點內容，并且邏輯清楚。句子和段落之間的過渡比較自然流暢，有效地使用了語句連接詞，如 as for me、besides等。作者還用到了很多高級詞匯，如enhance、narrow、enlarge、contribute to、 enrich sb.'s life、as a result等。同時，作者也使用了較多從句，如時間狀語從句和定語從句，尤其是非限定性定語從句作插入語(...，which enhances understanding and shows respect，...)值得肯定。但是，在一篇150字的短文中，過多地使用非限定性定語從句顯得句式變化不夠豐富，讀起來也有些枯燥。建議作者在以后的書面表達中可以嘗試使用不同的句式結構，增添文章的多樣性。

難點分析

1. 此處interperson使用不正確，“人際關系”的正確表述是“interpersonal relationship”。

2. 此處的their指代不清，應改成children's。

3. “Inner thoughts”是中式英語，這一用法給人的感覺是還有 “external thoughts”，所以此處應刪掉inner，直接用thoughts。

4. 此處應刪掉定語從句“that is ubiquitous between parents and children in modern society”。這句話是對“generation gap”的補充說明，因同一句話中前面也用了非限定性定語從句，所以這句話在句式上有重復，在句意上也沒有太大必要，可以刪掉。另外，非限定性定語從句的引導詞應該用which，而不是that。

5. 去掉the。這里是泛指“學生”，不是特指。

6. 首先，這句話也使用了非限定性定語從句，與上一句的句式重復，可換成動詞不定式結構以增加句式的變化(見原文修改稿)。另外，原稿中的表述邏輯不嚴謹，“老師傾聽學生”能更好地“理解學生的需要”是正確的。而“老師傾聽學生”就能“發展他們的性格”這一論點不能使人信服，此處可改為“to be familiar with them”。

7. 此處tried使用不正確。當suggest表建議時，后面的從句一般用虛擬語氣(should + 動詞原形)，所以此處的tried應改為 (should) try。

參考范文

The topic of my speech today is \"Being a Good Listener\".

Being a good listener is very important in daily life as it 1not only shows your respect to others but also improves mutual understandings and helps to set up a good relationship with others.

However， who should be the good listener? Parents should listen to their children， so they can better understand their children and the generation gap between parents and children can be bridged. Also teachers should listen more to their students in order to better meet students' needs and to become more familiar with students. 2In addition， students should listen to their peers. In this way， students can learn more from each other， and the friendship between students will be further strengthened.

To be a good listener， you should follow the following rules: in conversation， do not interrupt others during the talk; have eye-contact with the person 3talking with you to show that you are listening to him very carefully.

Thank you for your listening!

參考句型

1.“Not only...but also”是英文表達中常用的并列結構。

2. In addition:另外，語句連接詞。除了使用傳統的first、second、third等并列連接詞外，還可以使用in addition、besides、what's more等。

3. 現在分詞結構作定語增加句式的變化，“the person talking with you” 相當于“the person who is talking with you”。

有用的表達方式

1. enhance v. 擴大，增強

Low lighting and soft music enhanced the atmosphere in the room. (朗文當代高級英語辭典)

We're using technology to enhance our levels of service. (朗文當代高級英語辭典)

2. narrow v.(使某物)變窄

搭配:narrow the generation gap 縮小代溝

The economic gap between the two halves of the country was beginning to narrow. (朗文當代高級英語辭典)

提示:同學們比較熟悉narrow的形容詞用法，但不太熟悉它的動詞用法。Narrow用作動詞可使要表達的內容更形象、生動和簡潔。類似的詞匯還有:question、bridge等。同學們在寫作中要學會使用這些詞匯。

3. contribute to 貢獻，是……發生的原因

He could enjoy his work and contribute to his country at the same time.

An increase in the price of drugs has contributed to the rising cost of medical care. (朗文當代高級英語辭典)

提示:同學們熟悉contribute to 作“貢獻”講時的用法，但不熟悉“是……發生的原因”的用法。這一用法在英文中很常用，大家需掌握。

4. enrich v. 使某人(某物)更富裕;改善事物的品質等

Everyone loves Adventureland! Every visit will be an unforgettable experience. You will go away enriched， longing to come back. (2005全國)

Another function of art is enriching real life， as art is part of everyday life.

5. enlarge v. 使增大，使擴大

A good way to enlarge your vocabulary is to read a daily newspaper. (朗文當代高級英語辭典)

I'm going to get these two pictures enlarged. (朗文當代高級英語辭典)

6. perfect v. 使完美，使完善

After eighteen years of marriage to Gemma， Ronald had perfected the art of keeping the peace. (朗文當代高級英語辭典)

提示:perfect除了可用作形容詞，其動詞形式也十分常見。

7. familiar adj. 熟悉的

搭配:be familiar with

I am familiar with the new words and have used them in different ways.

8. strengthen v. 加強，增強

In the 1960s， the Australian government passed laws to strengthen the rights of Aborigines and islanders. As a result， their living conditions have been greatly improved.

I've started swimming to strengthen my upper body. (朗文當代高級英語辭典)

9. meet the need 滿足需要

Heart failure means that the heart muscle is not pumping well enough to meet the need for oxygen-rich blood. (朗文當代高級英語辭典)

National parks like Yosemite in the U.S. find it increasingly difficult to meet the need of visitors because their service systems frequently go out of order. (2005山東)

10. as a result (of something) 因此，結果

Each year tens of thousands of people die in the world's major cities as a result of breathing polluted air.

(注:未標明出處的例句均選自高中課本)