我們只是好朋友

Final class of the day； Im almost done. Ive managed to avoid him for the majority of the day， somehow escaping his attempts at conversation. Always somewhere to go， something to do. Sorry， no time to chat. If I can just stay out of sight for the next fifteen minutes， Ill be home free.

Rushing into the crowded hall， I push through the swarm of buzzing students. I fight against the flow of bodies， the warm crush that threatens to overwhelm me. Desperate， I keep shoving， longing to reach the safety and quiet of my locker. Im almost there， just a bit further. Finally Ive made it， and hes nowhere in sight.

I open my locker and lean into it， sighing with relief， when I see him. I straighten up， hurriedly shoving everything into that tiny metal box， but my hands arent cooperating. My nerves are making me shake， disconnecting my mind from the rest of my body. I struggle to remove myself from the impending situation， but as I start to spring away， he grabs my arm and says， “Now can I talk to you？”

And thats when my heart sinks. My stomach starts to churn and I know nothing will be the same again.

Somehow I always knew it would come down to this moment. A silent showdown in some empty hallway， the echo of slamming lockers long since faded， but the shouts of students still lingering in the air. He stares at me， expectantly， awaiting an answer. I look at my feet， purposely not listening， not looking at him. I dont want to hear it， dont want to see him proclaim his love. It makes no difference； it doesnt change the situation.

“Did you hear me？ I said I like you. I like you a lot.”

Dont say that. Anything but that. Talk to me about the weather， how horrible Mrs. Matthews is with her evil calculus equations. Even sports would be better， （and you know how much I hate sports）. Just dont say those words. Why would you say something that could irreversibly change our friendship？

“Say something， anything.”

You dont mean that， not really. I know what youre hoping to hear， what you want me to say. I cant and I wont. I look at you and I see a brother， a friend， not a boyfriend. I dont think anything could ever change that in my mind.

Everyone knew wed end up here. My parents， my friends. Hell， even your parents and friends knew it. They told me it was cruel to lead you on， but I never meant to. I never meant for it to go this far； it just never seemed like the right time to say， “Hey， well always be best friends.” I never， ever wanted to hurt you； I just didnt want to let you go.

Now its senior year and youve finally found the courage to tell me how you feel. Id love to blame you for this awkwardness， accuse you of letting this non-relationship charade drag on over the years. But truthfully， its my fault that weve reached this point， and I have to make things right.

“We are just good friends.” I take a deep breath. This is it.

“Yeah. Me too.”

最后一節課了；離最終勝利僅有一步之遙。這大半天我都成功地躲開了他，總算是避開了他與我搭話的機會。我跑這兒跑那兒，總有事要干。不好意思，沒時間聊天。如果接下來的15分鐘我能躲開他的視線，那我就可以輕松地回家啦。

我沖向擁擠的大廳，在亂哄哄的人群中推搡著往前擠。我從熙攘移動的人群當中鉆過去，熱浪幾乎要讓我窒息了。絕望中，我不停地推著，擠著，希望能早些到我的柜子旁邊去，到那兒我就安全了，也能擺脫這嘈雜之聲，安靜下來。就差一點，馬上就到了。終于，成功抵達了，我暗暗慶幸哪兒也看不到他。

我打開柜子，上身探進去，如釋重負地嘆了口氣，而就在這時，我看到了他。我立刻直起身來，匆忙地將所有東西往這個小小的金屬柜子里一塞，但是我的手卻不聽使喚。我緊張得有些發抖，不知道自己在做什么。想到馬上要面對他，我掙扎著讓自己逃離這里，但正當我三步并作兩步打算逃之夭夭時，他抓住了我的胳膊，問道：“我現在能和你說兩句話嗎？”

我的心開始下沉，我的胃也開始翻江倒海，我知道從此之后一切都變了。

不知為什么，我一直都知道這個時刻遲早會來。在某個空曠樓道里無聲的攤牌，鎖柜關閉的回聲已經消退，但學生們的叫喊聲還在空氣中回蕩。他滿懷期待地看著我，等待著我的回答。我看著腳下，故意不去聽他說話，也不看他。我不想聽，不想看他表白愛意。他的表白對我沒有任何影響，什么也改變不了。

“你聽到我說話了嗎？我說我喜歡你，非常喜歡。”

不要說這個，除了這個說什么都行。跟我聊聊天氣，或是馬修斯老師和她那討厭的算數方程式有多恐怖吧。哪怕是體育也行，（你知道我多么討厭體育啊）。就是別跟我說那些話。你為什么非得說這些，讓我們以后連朋友都做不成呢？

“說點什么吧，說什么都行。”

不，你不是這么想的。我知道你想聽到什么樣的回答，你想讓我說什么。我不能也不會那樣說。我看著你，看到的是一個兄長，一個朋友，而不是男朋友。我知道什么都不能改變我的想法。

所有人都知道我們會走到今天這一步。我父母知道，朋友知道，該死，甚至連你的父母和朋友也知道。他們告訴我，我這樣誤導你很殘忍，但是我從來都不想這樣。我從來沒想讓我們的關系發展到這里；只是好像一直也找不到合適的機會告訴你：“嗨，我們一直都是最好的朋友。”我不想傷害你，只是不想你離我而去。

現在高三了，你終于鼓起勇氣告訴我你的感受。我想責怪你造成了此時的尷尬局面，指責你讓這種非戀愛關系的啞謎打了這么多年。但是，老實說，我們到現在這種局面是我的錯，而此刻到了我該糾正這個錯誤的時候了。

“我們只是好朋友。”說完，我深吸了一口氣。好了，就這樣吧。

“太好了，我也是這么想的，”他說。