三條人行道

By Adrian Raine

Have you ever been stuck on a pavement behind slow 1）pedestrians， who stop you getting past？ Those slow-coachers waste our time and reduce 2）productivity， and they drive me mad. The solution？ Pavements should be sectioned into three lanes； slow， middle and fast， just like 3）motorways. Slow lanes are for the elderly， child 4）strollers， umbrella-holders， 5）panhandler， the 6）inebriated and those dreadful cellphoners， who crawl along and then stop dead right in front of you. The middle lane is for your average pedestrian， but if they hog that lane for more than 10 seconds， they get ticketed by pedestrian 7）wardens， a new workforce that will reduce unemployment. The fast lane is for people in a hurry， but theres no fines [sic] for speeding because people need to get a move on in life. Pedestrians are equipped with deafening horns to 8）hoot target pedestrians out of their way. And finally， its three strikes and youre out. After three tickets， youre banned for life from pavements and have to take a door-to-door taxi to get to wherever you want to go.

你是否曾經在人行道上被緩慢的行人擋住去路呢？這些“蝸牛”浪費了我們的時間，降低了我們的工作效率，他們讓我很抓狂。解決的辦法？人行道應該被劃分為三條：慢速道、中速道和快速道，就像高速公路上一樣。慢速道是留給老人、推嬰兒車的人、帶傘的人、乞丐、喝醉的人以及那些討厭的手機用戶，他們緩慢地前行，然后突然停在你的面前。中速道是給一般的行人，但是如果他們占道超過10秒，就會收到監管人開出的罰單，而這種新興的勞動力會降低失業率。快速道是給趕時間的人，這里不會對快走開罰，因為人們需要快節奏的生活。這里的行人配備了刺耳的喇叭來驅趕擋住他們去路的人們。最后，你只有3次機會。收到3張罰單后，你就被禁止在人行道上行走，你去哪兒都必須坐的士。