被替代的愛

文Tessa Hadley 譯yemouder 繪老八

被替代的愛

文Tessa Hadley 譯yemouder 繪老八

The Surrogate①surrogate 英 ［'s?r?ɡ?t］ 美 ［'s?r?ɡ?t］ n. 代理；代用品；遺囑檢驗法官vt. 代理；指定某人為自己的代理人 adj. 代理的；替代的

When I was twenty， I fell in love with one of the lecturers at my college.

His name was Patrick Hammett， and he taught courses on Shakespeare，seventeenth-century poetry， and critical theory. I took all his classes； I made him my interpreter of the whole world. In a crowd， in a club， you wouldn't have picked him out as particularly good-looking. But in the lecture room，sitting with us in the democratic②democratic 英 ［dem?'kr?t?k］ 美 ［'d?m?'kr?t?k］ adj. 民主的；民主政治的；大眾的circle of chairs that he insisted upon， his looks were a power， a force that I felt physically， like velvet③velvet 英 ［'velv?t］ 美 ［'v?lv?t］ n. 天鵝絨，絲絨；天鵝絨似的東西 adj. 天鵝絨的against my skin. I loved the whitened pressure points that his glasses left on the bridge of his thin crooked④crooked 英 ［'kr?k?d］ 美 ［'kr?k?d］ adj. 彎曲的；歪的；不正當的nose. I loved the big nervous hands he was always waving in the air， gesturing uncontrollably as he spoke.

Of course I didn't have a chance with him. Who was I？

He was only six or seven years older than we were， but his life seemed to be made of different stuff than the lives I was familiar with. As far as I knew， he wasn't married or living with anyone. Someone said that he'd once had a relationship with a student， although this was against the rules. That didn't make me any more hopeful. She had probably been one of the clever ones. She had probably been beautiful. I didn't think I was. My looks—I was small and blond with eyes that madethe kids at school call me Frogface—were like the quirky things I said in class. Good on a good day.

In my second year I was so short of money that I got a job working three evenings a week at a pub⑤pub 英 ［p?b］ 美 ［p?b］ n. 酒館；客棧in town. one night， when I came back from asking the landlord to change a barrel， I thought for a moment that I saw Patrick. A man with the same long narrow build and thick shoulderlength hair was standing with his back to the bar， a pint of lager in one hand， looking up at the TV screen. Although this was exactly the sort of plausible⑥plausible 英 ［'pl??z?b（?）l］ 美 ［'pl?z?bl］ adj. 貌似可信的，花言巧語的；貌似真實的，貌似有理的scenario I was always dreaming up to bring us together， in reality I didn't want it to be him. I panicked. I didn't think I could cope with my two roles at once—competent barmaid and besotted⑦bessotted ［bi's?tid］ adj. 愚蠢的；糊涂的；醉的 v. 使糊涂（besot的過去式）student—and I had no idea how to respond when he turned around and recognized me. But the bloke， when he turned around， wasn't Patrick， though he did look rather like him. Rather like him but quite different. He had the same crooked nose—more exaggerated， even—and the same close-set eyes that were revealed when Patrick took his glasses off. But he didn't wear glasses. He didn't have any of Patrick's concentrated excitement.

Then I forgot all about him. I didn't expect to see him again. But a week later he was back，and after that it was a regular thing. He came with his friends， and I think he would have come regardless of me—they were just a gang who met up often and were going through aphase of drinking in this particular pub—but he did remember me， and looked for me when he came in the door， and blushed if I served him. When his friends saw us chatting together they teased him. They made him go to the bar for every round， and then they whistled and laughed to encourage him.

"Go on， ask her，" they said， meaning me to hear.

"Fuck off，" he said，red-faced， pretending to be busy with the first mouthful of his pint.

Every time I saw him I'd feel the same shock at his likeness to Patrick.

Eventually I got him to the point where he couldn't help but ask me if he could give me a lift home from work. I felt embarrassed then， as if my game had gone too far. It was always better when he wasn't talking. When he was silent I could recover the illusion I was pursuing. I barely talked to him about myself—about college， about my classes， about my plans. This wasn't the real thing. It was only a secondhand enactment⑧enactment 英 ［?'n?ktm（?）nt； e-］ 美 ［?'n?ktm?nt］ n. 制定，頒布；通過；法令of love.

I have forgotten to give his name. His name was Dave.

Only a few years have passed， but a lot has happened since then. These are the years when a lot happens， when your life lurches⑨lurch 英 ［l??t?］ 美 ［l?t?］ n. 突然傾斜；蹣跚；挫折 vi. 傾斜；蹣跚 vt. 擊敗across crucial transitions

like a train hurtling

across points at speed. It doesn't always feel that way at the time. At the time， you sometimes feel that life has slowed down to a point of frozen stillness. There's no tedium⑩tedium 英 ［'ti?d??m］ 美 ［'tid??m］ n. 沉悶；單調乏味；厭煩like the tedium of twenty. But all the while you are in fact flying fast into a future that has already been decided by a couple of accidental encounters or scraps of dreams.

In the end， Patrick Hammett reached out for me. Unbelievably， what he actually said when he did it was that he had always loved me， he had been fascinated by me from the moment I first walked into the lecture room. Or words to that effect. Which just goes to show that you mustn't trust a scrupulous??scrupulous 英 ［'skru?pj?l?s］ 美 ［'skrupj?l?s］ adj. 細心的；小心謹慎的；一絲不茍的?preoccupy 英 ［pri?'?kj?pa?］ 美 ［pri'ɑkj?'pai］ vt. 迷住；使全神貫注?equivalence 英 ［?'kw?v（?）l（?）ns］ 美 ［?'kw?v?l?ns］ n. 等值；相等realism， that sometimes sloppy fantasy comes closer to the true state of things.

I love Patrick. I think we're well matched.

I never told Patrick about Dave. And I've never seen him since. I once looked up gas engineers in the Yellow Pages and found a company that might have been his. I couldn't look him up in the residential phone book because I never knew his last name. In my first few months with Patrick，if I ever thought about Dave I was just embarrassed at what I'd done. But then the idea of him began to preoccupy??scrupulous 英 ［'skru?pj?l?s］ 美 ［'skrupj?l?s］ adj. 細心的；小心謹慎的；一絲不茍的?preoccupy 英 ［pri?'?kj?pa?］ 美 ［pri'ɑkj?'pai］ vt. 迷住；使全神貫注?equivalence 英 ［?'kw?v（?）l（?）ns］ 美 ［?'kw?v?l?ns］ n. 等值；相等me，like an unsolved mystery.

There's no real equivalence??scrupulous 英 ［'skru?pj?l?s］ 美 ［'skrupj?l?s］ adj. 細心的；小心謹慎的；一絲不茍的?preoccupy 英 ［pri?'?kj?pa?］ 美 ［pri'ɑkj?'pai］ vt. 迷住；使全神貫注?equivalence 英 ［?'kw?v（?）l（?）ns］ 美 ［?'kw?v?l?ns］ n. 等值；相等between my situation now and my situation then. I'm happily married to Patrick and given the chance would not even seriously consider throwing in my luck with a stranger I have nothing in common with. That little hunger for a lost chance gets expressed only in my fantasies.

二十歲那年，我愛上了我的老師。

他叫帕特里克·哈密特，教我們莎士比亞戲劇、十七世紀詩歌還有文學批評理論課。我申請了他所有的課，在我眼里，他詮釋了整個世界。

在人群中或者在酒吧里，他的長相不算多帥，但是坐在教室里，坐在他堅持為了民主而圍成的圓桌中間的時候，他讓我感到一種生理上的力量，像是摩擦著我皮膚的天鵝絨。我迷戀他被眼鏡壓得有些扭曲的鼻梁下方發白的凹點，我迷戀他在說話時經常揮動在空中的大而有力的、不受控制的手掌。

我知道我跟他之間是沒有希望的。我什么都不是。

他只比我們大六七歲，但是他的生活對我們來說完全陌生。他并沒有結婚，也沒有和人同居。有人說他曾經和一個學生有過一段感情，但是這件事沒讓我產生更多希望。她很可能非常聰明，非常漂亮。而我不是。我很矮，眼睛長得很開，學校里有人給我起了個“青蛙臉”的外號。我整個人就像是我腦子里那些稀奇古怪的念頭。

上大二的時候我有些缺錢，所以在市中心找了一份酒吧侍應生的工作，一個星期干三個晚上。有天晚上，當我轉過身去告訴老板要換啤酒桶的時候，我覺得某一瞬間我似乎看到了帕特里克。一個有著瘦長身材、齊肩黑發的男人拿著一品脫啤酒坐在吧臺后面，盯著電視屏幕。盡管這是我曾經幻想過無數次我們相遇的場景中的一種，但是在現實中我并不希望發生這種事。我感到一陣恐慌。我不認為我能同時演繹兩種角色——能干的酒吧女侍和呆笨的學生——而且如果他轉過身來認出我的話，我真不知道該說什么。但是這個家伙，當他轉過身來的時候，我才發現不是帕特里克。盡管他長得非常像他。很像但是也很不同。他有同樣彎曲的鼻子——可能更夸張——以及和帕特里克摘下眼鏡之后長得一樣的眼睛。但是他不戴眼鏡。他身上沒有帕特里克對于事物的關注力。

后來我就把他忘了。我并沒有期待能再看見他。但是一個星期之后他又來了。后來他就固定來我們這里，和他的朋友們一起。我以為他就是來這兒玩，不會管我——他們就是一幫經常見面，又喜歡在這家酒吧喝酒的人。但是他竟然記得我，進來后會找我，當我給他們上酒的時候，他就會臉紅。當他的朋友看到我們聊天的時候就調侃他。他們每次都打發他到吧臺這里要酒，然后就開始吹口哨、大笑著鼓勵他。

“快點上啊，約她出去。”他們叫嚷著，故意讓我聽到。

“別鬧了。”他說著，臉紅了，裝作忙著喝啤酒的樣子。

每次我見到他，都處在同樣的震驚之中。他太像帕特里克了。

后來我們之間的關系逐漸深入，他想在我下班的時候開車送我回家。我有點尷尬，我沒想到事情會發展到這個地步。當他不說話的時候，氣氛總是好的。只要他保持沉默，我就能重拾我的幻想。我很少跟他談到我自己——我的學校，我的同學，還有我的計劃。這一切都不是真的。這種愛情是二手貨。

哦，對了。我忘了告訴你他的名字，他叫戴夫。

后來很多年過去了。很多事情也都發生了。某些事情發生的時候，你感覺你的生活正經歷著最重要的過渡，像是一列傾斜的列車一樣極速奔馳著，而有些時候，我又會感覺生活像是在某個靜止的點上慢了下來。但是下一瞬間，你就會因為一次偶然事件或是夢的零星碎片而飛快地抵達未來。

是的。最終，帕特里克約我出去了。不可思議是吧。他真的像我幻想中的那樣跟我說，他一直愛著我，從他踏進教室的那一刻就被我迷住了。換句話說，這一切告訴我，你不用如此相信你眼前所謂的“事實”，有時候那些看上去草率的幻想竟然會更加接近事物本質。

我愛帕特里克。我覺得我們是天造地設的一對。

我從沒有跟帕特里克說過戴夫的事。我也再沒有見過他。有一次我在黃頁里找換天然氣的工人，發現一家可能是他開的公司。我并沒有在居民電話簿里找他，因為我連他姓什么都不知道。

在我跟帕特里克在一起的頭幾個月里，只要我一想到戴夫，就會對我之前的所作所為感到慚愧。他這個人像是個未解之謎。

我現在的生活和過去的生活是無法比較的。我幸福地嫁給了帕特里克，甚至都沒有認真想一想是否要給這個我曾經垂青過的陌生人機會。那種喪失了一次機會的饑餓感僅存在我的幻想里。