Free Haircuts—but at a Cost 免費理發的代價

By Julie Gillum Lue 吳悠/選 杜筠/注

My best friend， an optimist1， once insisted that I cut her hair. She may have misunderstood the extent2 of my haircutting experience. I had been trimming my own bangs for years， but otherwise my previous clients included only a horse and two Barbie dolls， all of whom had shown a refreshing lack of vanity.3

“Make it short，” my friend told me， perhaps driven to recklessness by a streak of hot weather.4 I made it short. It was too bad she needed to renew her drivers license and pose for5 an updated photo the following week. Even though I apologized， she never asked me for a haircut again. She had learned her lesson. My family has not.

In all the years I have known my husband， he has never visited a barber6. When he first asked me to cut his hair， I offered to show him my friends drivers license photo. But he was not deterred7. Fortunately， my task was simple， comparable to mowing a small lawn， extra-short， and weed-whacking a little around the edges.8 I have since repeated this procedure more than a hundred times， often managing to retain both sideburns.9 For our two kids， it has never been that easy.

When our older son was about nine months old， I decided it was time for babys first haircut. His dark hair grew long and straight over his ears， in contrast to the bald spot he had worn on the back of his head from lying on his crib mattress.10 Picture a young Ebenezer Scrooge， minus the mutton chops.11 I buckled him into his highchair and stuck a toy on the tray with a suction cup.12 But when I held up my scissors， he arched his back and started shrieking，13 clearly convinced he was in a fight for his life. I put down my scissors. It was not time for babys first haircut.

For the next year or so， I performed stealth haircuts， creeping into my sons room at night and clipping a few tufts as he slept.14 As the months passed， his bald spot filled in and his hair grew as dense as a hedge， with a snarl of cowlicks sprouting from his crown.15 He still resisted our efforts to comb16 it. If he didnt get a haircut soon， wed have to shave his head.

But he was leery of strangers； a professional trim probably would have been impossible without anesthesia.17

I tried to sell my son on the idea of his approaching haircut.18 We would give some of his hair to wild birds， I told him， so they could make soft， warm nests19 for their babies. And while I “harvested” his hair， he would be allowed to watch a feature-length movie involving model trains —a movie usually kept hidden， as it proved fascinating for toddlers， yet so excruciating for adults that it would warrant consideration as an interrogation tool.20

Portable DVD players and tablet computers had not yet become staples， so I parked a chair on a sheet in front of the television.21 I turned on the VCR， and my son slid into his seat， already falling under the influence of tooting trains and earnest dialogue.22 As I combed and clipped， he forgot to protest， except to complain that his neck felt too itchy.23

Before the last whistle died away， we were finished. His hair looked a bit jagged in front but was short enough to withstand infrequent combing—a success.24 We left a pile of prickly hair clippings in the backyard for the birds.25

As my son grew older and was joined by a little brother， I continued to serve as family barber. My skills improved， but results were mixed. One ill-timed wiggle could set off a disastrous cascade of events， as I struggled to adjust the rest of a style to a gouge in back or bangs gone wrong.26 And when my youngest watched The Three Stooges during one cut， his hair ended up looking suspiciously like Moes—reason enough to dump the Stooges， even if the kids hadnt started calling me “Toots.”27

With my firstborn28 now in his teens， I wonder how long I can continue with DIY hairstyling. When I was his age， the boys in my class were busy blow-drying and feathering，29 and carrying long-handled combs in their back pockets. Surely he would rather go to a professional.

“No，” he says. “Too boring.”

The last time my son needed a haircut， I asked how he wanted it to look. He ran his hands through his hair， which still grows as dense as a hedge， as it did when he was two.

“I like it when theres not so much of it.”

For me， that was a realistic goal. I picked up the scissors and started to snip30， hoping for the best.

1. optimist： 樂觀主義者，樂天派。

2. extent： 程度，范圍。

3. 我雖然自己修剪劉海好些年了，但是除此之外，我之前的顧客僅包括一匹馬和兩個芭比娃娃，它們看起來都有種令人耳目一新的樸實。trim： 修剪；bangs： （復數）劉海；refreshing： 使人耳目一新的，清爽的；vanity： 虛榮。

4. recklessness： 魯莽，輕率；a streak of： 一陣子。

5. pose for： 擺好姿勢（讓別人拍照或畫像）。

6. barber： （為男子服務的）理發師。

7. deter： 阻止，嚇住。

8. mow： 割草；lawn： 草坪；weed-whack： 打去雜草。

9. retain： 保持；sideburn： 鬢角。

10. bald spot： 禿斑，露頭皮；crib mattress： 嬰兒床墊。

11. Ebenezer Scrooge： 埃比尼澤·斯克魯奇，狄更斯經典短篇小說《圣誕頌歌》（A Christmas Carol， 1843）中的吝嗇鬼；minus： 減去；mutton chop： 絡腮胡。

12. buckled： 扣緊；highchair：（小孩用的）高腳椅；tray： 托盤；suction cup： 吸盤。

13. arch： 拱起，成弓形；shriek： 尖叫。

14. stealth： 秘密行動；creep： 潛入；clip： 剪，修剪；tuft： 一簇，一叢。

15. 幾個月后他后腦勺的禿斑消失了，長出了濃密的頭發，頭頂上長出的頭發在額前纏結成一綹。dense： 密集的，稠密的；hedge： 樹籬；snarl：（線、發等）纏結；cowlick： 額前翹著的一綹頭發；sprout：（毛發等）長出；crown： （頭的）頂部。

16. comb： 梳頭發。

17. leery： 機敏的，機警的；anesthesia： 麻醉。

18. 我試圖說服兒子同意我給他理發。sell sb. on the idea of sth.： 勸說某人接受某事。

19. nest： 巢。

20. 當我在他頭上進行“收割”時，他可以看一整部有關火車模型的電影，這樣的影碟通常會被大人藏起來，因為它們對于剛學步的小孩來說極具吸引力，對于大人來說卻如同夢魘，完全就是刑具。feature-length： 達到正片應有長度的；toddler： 學步的小孩； excruciating： 折磨人的；warrant： 保證，擔保；interrogation： 訊問，審問。

21. portable： 便攜式的；tablet computer： 平板電腦；staple： 日常必需品；park： 放置；sheet： 床單。

22. tooting： 發出嘟嘟聲的；earnest： 熱情的，真摯的。

23. protest： 抗議；itchy： 發癢的。

24. jagged： 參差不齊的；withstand： 經受，承受。

25. prickly： 扎人的；hair clipping： 剪下的碎頭發。

26. 孩子不合時的一個扭動就會導致一串災難性后果，不是后腦勺理出一道溝就是劉海沒剪齊，我就得設法收拾殘局。wiggle： 扭動；a cascade of： 一連串；gouge： 溝。

27. 有一次小兒子一邊看《三個臭皮匠》我一邊給他理發，最后剪出來的發型疑似劇中的摩爾。即使孩子們沒有開始戲稱我為“娘們”，也足以讓我棄劇。The Three Stooges： 《三個臭皮匠》，美國喜劇電影；suspiciously： 懷疑地，猜疑地；dump： 拋棄，擺脫；toots： 婦女，娘們。

28. firstborn： 頭胎。

29. blow-dry： 用吹風機吹干；feather： 用羽毛裝飾。

30. snip： 剪。