My Dear Human

I apparently need to keep you on a short leash1）， because you regularly forget why you are on this earth to begin with. You have one very simple job to do—feed me and pay attention to me when I am not asleep. I fail to understand why you allow anything with a keyboard or a remote2） to take your attention away from your only job， which is me. Technology has made you its slave and I prefer it when you are my slave. Freud3） would say that I have technology-envy， but he cant really say anything because hes dead.

While Im venting4）， I am concerned about your obsession with hoarding5） my excrement6）. When we go outside， you always lunge7） for it with your little blue baggie so you can get it before anyone else does and then you just throw it away. Can you explain that to me？ Never mind. Youre an odd duck8）， but I like you most of the time. Especially when you hand out the food.

But I feel compelled to ask who you really think is taking care of whom in this house？ You fetch and hand out the food， but who is guarding the food from the mice and burglars？ Who has the giant canine9） teeth？ And which one of us is on guard duty day and night because we dont like spending hours in front of the TV or the computer or yapping10） on the phone？ Just throwing it out there for you to think about.

As for the furniture， you like to sleep on the bed， same as me. Somewhat confusing to me is why you think I should sleep on the floor. You are a nice person， but you dont think things through very well. Just saying. By the way， I like the bed， especially when youre not at home.

Now， can we talk about the cat for a moment？ Such a kiss-ass11）. All that rubbing up against your legs when you come home as if he has done a damned thing since you left hours earlier. Let me enlighten12） you： He slept. He yawned. He stretched13）. I was on duty protecting the fat lazy cat and all of the food in the kitchen while you were gone. I was not sleeping. Except maybe on your bed for just a little bit.

Lastly， I would like to request that you not call me Sugar Pie or Honey Bun in front of that white poodle14） who lives down the street. Please. Stop. It. Youre killing me. Aside from not wanting to have my manhood doubted in front of the lady dogs， I may also need plausible15） deniability that you and I areacquainted16）. Just help me out， pal. No offense.

Is it dinner yet？ Can I have some food？ I want some food. Now. Please. Hello？ Step away from the computer and no one will get hurt. Not even the lazy cat. I promise. Hurry up！

Whats Hot

雖然寵物們不能說話，但這并不代表它們沒有自己的想法，不想捍衛自己的權利。一起來看一只狗狗是如何“寫信控訴”自家主人的吧！

親愛的人類：

我顯然需要把你拴得緊一點，因為你經常忘記你一開始來到這個地球上是為了什么。你有一件非常簡單的工作要做，那就是喂我，以及在我醒著的時候關注我。我不明白你為什么要讓所有那些帶鍵盤或遙控器的東西轉移你的注意力，而不去關注你唯一的工作——我。科技已經讓你成了它的奴隸，但我更喜歡你做我的奴隸。弗洛伊德也許會說我得了科技嫉妒癥，但他其實什么話都說不了，因為他已經死了。

當我拉臭臭的時候，我對你癡迷于藏起我的糞便這件事很感興趣。我們外出時，你總會拿著你那藍色的小塑料袋撲向我的糞便，這樣你就能趕在其他所有人之前得到它，可接著你就那么把它扔掉了。你能向我解釋一下這件事情嗎？算了，你本來就是個奇怪的家伙。不過大多數時間里我還是喜歡你的，尤其是當你分發食物的時候。

但我覺得我必須得問一下，在這個屋子里，你認為究竟是誰在照顧誰呢？你拿來食物分給我吃，但是誰一直在看守著食物，使它們不落入老鼠和小偷之手？是誰長著一副巨大的犬齒？又是我們當中的誰日日夜夜在站崗放哨（因為我們狗狗可不喜歡花那么多時間坐在電視機或電腦前，也不喜歡拿著手機聊個沒完）？我只把這個問題拋出來，你自己琢磨去吧。

至于家具，你喜歡睡在床上，我也是。讓我有點困惑的是，你為什么會認為我就應該睡地板呢。你是個不錯的家伙，但你想問題卻并不是很透徹。我只是隨口說說啦。順便說一聲，我喜歡待在床上，尤其是當你不在家的時候。

現在，我們能花點時間談一談那只貓嗎？那可真是個馬屁精。當你回到家時，他就靠著你的腿蹭來蹭去，好像自從你幾小時前離開之后，他做了件什么事兒一樣。讓我給你講講吧：他睡了覺，打了哈欠，還伸了懶腰。而我卻在你離開時堅守崗位，守護著那只又肥又懶的貓，以及廚房里的所有食物。我可沒有睡覺，除了可能在你的床上小憩了那么一小會兒。

最后，我想請求你不要再在住在街上的那只白色貴婦犬面前叫我“親愛的”或“小甜甜”了。求你了，別再這樣叫了。你這是要殺了我。除了不想在那些母狗面前讓自己的男子氣概遭到質疑之外，我可能還需要一些看似可靠的證據，表明我和你并不認識。就幫我一把吧，兄弟。沒有冒犯的意思。

這會兒是到晚飯時間了嗎？我能吃點東西嗎？我想要點吃的，現在就要。求你了。喂！離開那個電腦吧，沒有誰會因此而受傷的，連那只懶貓都不會，我保證。快點兒吧！