失而復得的自己

I liked being a mess1）. The desk that should have been clear so I could do my homework was always surrounded with bowls of cereal2） and spoiled milk， old magazines and Post-it notes3） I had forgotten to remember. My floor was a vacuum in itself， eating anything entering my room. It consumed sweaters， stuffed animals4）， socks， shoes. When I occasionally did laundry， I would dig up clothes I couldnt even recall purchasing. My shelves overflowed5） with containers of little odds and ends6）： hair bands， matches， change， coins. I couldnt always see these things， but I knew that they were safe， nestled7） somewhere on a shelf. Like old friends in a phone book， I figured that someday I would find all the loose8） things.

One lonely day in August when all of my friends had yet to return from camp in Maine， something inside me began to itch9）. I tried taking a shower， rubbing myself with every body wash and bar of soap I could find. I brushed my hair and my teeth， but didnt feel any cleaner.

I went downstairs and found my brother playing video games， my mom on the phone， and my dad in his office—everyone in their right place. I told my mom that something didnt feel right， and she suggested that for once10） I should clean my room.

When I opened the door to my bedroom， everything was in its usual cluttered11） arrangement. A plate of half-eaten pancakes sat on my desk. My heavy covers laycrumpled12） and cold across my bed， molded by the twists and turns of the previous night. Piles of dirty clothes sat unsorted， collecting dust.

I stood in the middle of the cluttered room， breathing in the dirty air that I had become so used to. In the silence of that moment， I began to hear the clock ticking. I became aware of the moldy smell. I noticed that a spider had spun13） a shimmering14） line from my lamp to the top of my mirror. I shivered in disgust. I remembered that winter how my stuffed animal， Vanilla， had fallen behind my dresser and I hadnt noticed until I caught the unpleasant scent of her fur burning against the heater， until it was too late and she was permanently covered in brown spots.

I suddenly felt sympathy for everything in my room that I had buried， never to be seen again. Lost items I had forgotten for years made their way back into my consciousness： my favorite yellow T-shirt， the picture of my mom and me on that boat in Jamaica， my baseball card collection.

I had an urge to dive under my bed and uncover everything lurking15） in the depths of dust， and to climb up into the highest corners of my closet and rescue items that had been mingling with the spiders. The innocent piles were growing higher and higher until they were looming16） monsters before my eyes. They were threatening to swallow me whole. I had to get rid of them. And so I started to clean.

In a box buried under old textbooks， I found a letter that my Poppy17） had written me at camp. I hadnt thought of him since his funeral. I remembered my dad rocking me to sleep the night Poppy died， and how the tears wouldnt stop.

In the drawer next to my bed， I found a friendship bracelet18） my childhood best friend， Aubrey， had given to me before she moved to California. I traced19） the green and purple pattern with my thumb， realizing that I hadnt spoken to her in years. The next day I called her， and we talked all night. She reminded me of the time we built a family of snowmen in my backyard and had a funeral for them when theyd melted. I had lost so many precious childhood memories over time， letting them slip away20） into the tide like grains of sand. It was the kind of conversation you never want to end because for each moment we talked， it felt like a bucket collecting droplets of water from a leak.

Under my bed I even found that picture of my mom and me in Jamaica. I had forgotten how turquoise21） the water had looked from our ship， but what really caught my attention， though， was my image. I had buck teeth22）， short hair and pimples23） covering my face. I stared at that girl， barely able to recognize this person who had drowned in the mess of my room so many years before. I decided to completely reorganize and revamp24） my room so that all the books， belts and baskets were in their right place. It was like finding the missing pieces of the puzzle.

The finishing touch25） was framing that photo and hanging it high up on my wall. After all， it was me I had been searching for.

我以前喜歡邋里邋遢的。書桌本該干干凈凈的，以便我能做作業，可它卻總被一碗碗麥片和變質牛奶，一本本舊雜志以及被我遺忘在腦后、沒能起到提醒作用的一張張便利貼包圍著。我房間里的地板本身就是一個吸塵器，吃掉了進入我房間的任何東西。它大口吞下運動衫、毛絨玩具、襪子和鞋子。我偶爾洗衣服時，總會翻出一些我甚至都想不起來自己曾經買過的衣服。我的架子上到處都是裝著發帶、火柴、零錢、硬幣等小零碎的盒盒罐罐。雖然我并不總能看到這些東西，但我知道它們都沒有丟，都舒舒服服地躺在架子上的某個地方。就像電話本上的那些老朋友一樣，我認為有一天我會找到所有這些零零散散的東西。

8月里的一天，我所有的朋友都還沒有從緬因州野營回來，我感到有些寂寞，內心的某種東西開始癢癢了。我試著洗了個澡，用我能找到的每種沐浴乳和每塊肥皂擦洗身體。我還梳了頭發、刷了牙，可卻絲毫沒有感覺變干凈些。

我來到樓下，發現弟弟正在玩電子游戲，媽媽在打電話，爸爸則在他的辦公室里——每個人都在他們應該在的地方。我告訴媽媽有什么東西感覺不太對勁，她建議我應該打掃一下我的房間，哪怕就這一次。

當我打開臥室的房門，所有東西都像平常那樣被擺放得凌亂不堪。書桌上擱著一盤吃了一半的煎餅。我那厚重的、冰涼的被子皺巴巴地攤在我的床上，被前一晚睡覺時來回翻身的我塑造成了現在的模樣。一堆堆臟衣服雜亂地擺放著，積滿了灰塵。

我站在這個雜亂的房間中間，呼吸著我早已習慣無比的污濁空氣。在那一刻的寂靜中，我開始聽到時鐘的嘀嗒聲。我開始察覺到空氣中的霉味。我注意到一只蜘蛛已經從我的臺燈拉了一根閃閃發亮的蛛絲到鏡子的上緣。我厭惡地發抖。我記起了那年冬天，我的毛絨玩具瓦尼拉掉在了我的梳妝臺后面，可我一直都沒發現，直到我聞到她的絨毛被暖氣烤焦散發出的難聞氣味，直到為時已晚，她身上永遠留下了棕色的斑點。

我忽然對我房間里所有被我掩埋、再也不見天日的東西都產生了同情。那些已被我遺忘數載的物品再度回到我的意識之中：我最喜歡的黃色T恤、我和媽媽在牙買加乘坐那艘船時的合影，還有我收集的棒球卡。

我有種沖動，想要沖到我的床下把所有暗藏在積塵深處的東西都找出來，還想爬到我壁櫥的最高處，把各個角落里那些一直與蜘蛛為伍的東西都解救出來。一堆堆無辜的物品變得越來越高，直到它們成為一群怪獸，赫然聳現在我眼前。它們揚言要把我整個人都吞下去。我得擺脫它們，于是我開始收拾起來。

在埋在一堆舊課本下面的一個盒子里，我找到了爺爺在我參加野營時給我寫的一封信。自從他的葬禮之后，我就沒有想起過他。我記得爺爺去世當晚，爸爸輕搖著我入睡，也記得當時我的眼淚是如何止不住地往下流。

在我床邊的那個抽屜里，我發現了我童年時期最好的朋友奧布里在搬去加利福尼亞之前送給我的一串友誼手繩。我用拇指摩挲著手鏈上綠紫相間的圖案，意識到我已經好幾年沒有跟她說過話了。第二天我給她打了個電話，我們聊了一整晚。她使我想起了那段時光：我們在我家后院堆了雪人一家，后來在雪人融化后為它們舉行了葬禮。隨著時間的流逝，我已然遺忘了這么多珍貴的童年記憶，任由它們像一粒粒沙那般溜掉，落入潮水之中。這是你永遠不希望結束的那種談話，因為在我們交談的每一個瞬間，都感覺像是在用一個水桶收集從一個裂縫漏出來的水滴。

我甚至從床底下找到了我和媽媽在牙買加拍的那張照片。我已經忘了從我們的船上看去，海水是多么的碧綠，不過真正引起我注意的卻是照片中的我。我那時長著齙牙，留著短發，滿臉都是青春痘。我盯著照片上的那個女孩，幾乎認不出淹沒在我房間一片狼藉之中那么多年的這個人了。我決定把我的房間徹底地調整、歸置一番，這樣所有的書、腰帶和籃子就都能各歸其位了——就好像找到拼圖中缺失的那些碎片一樣。

最后收尾的工作就是把那張照片裝進相框，高高地掛在我房間的墻上。說到底，我一直在找尋的正是我自己呀。

1. be a mess： 不整潔，邋遢

2. cereal [?s??ri?l] n. 加工而成的谷類食物（一般指燕麥片、玉米片等早餐食品）

3. Post-it note： 便利貼；黏膠便條紙

4. stuffed animal： （動物造型的）布絨玩具

5. overflow [???v??fl??] vi. 漫出，溢出；滿是，有許多（with）

6. odds and ends： 零碎的東西；小玩意

7. nestle [?nesl] vt. 使舒適地安頓下來

8. loose [lu?s] adj. 未系（或訂）在一起的；零散的

9. itch [?t?] vi. 發癢；使人發癢

10. for once： 難得一次，就這一回

11. cluttered [?kl?t?d] adj. 雜亂的；凌亂的；擠滿的

12. crumple [?kr?mpl] vt. 弄皺，壓皺

13. spin [sp?n] vt. （蠶等）吐（絲）；（蜘蛛）結（網）

14. shimmer [???m?（r）] vi. 發微光；閃光

15. lurk [l??k] vi. 潛在；隱藏著

16. looming [?lu?m??] adj. （不希望或不愉快的事情）迫近的，逼近的

17. Poppy： <口>姥爺；爺爺

18. friendship bracelet： 友誼手繩，由朋友之間的一方送給另一方，象征著友誼，多用線手工編織而成。

19. trace [tre?s] vt. 繪出，勾畫出（輪廓）

20. slip away： 溜掉；（時間）匆匆流逝

21. turquoise [?t??kw??z] adj. 青綠色的

22. buck tooth： 【醫】齙牙

23. pimple [?p?mpl] n. 【醫】丘疹；小膿包；粉刺

24. revamp [?ri?v?mp] vt. 使復原；修復，整修

25. touch [t?t?] n. 修飾；潤色；裝點