Fun with Foreigners

By Yi Ming

Translation by Sam Bowden

I was walking around Beijing when a group of foreigners suddenly stopped me and asked,“Where is Heaven?”

Thinking that they were trying to preach to me I replied, “In your heart.”

They looked at me like I was mad.

It wasn’t until later that I realized that they were asking me about the Temple of Heaven.

我在北京大街上被一隊老外攔下來，問我：“Where is the Heaven（天堂在哪）？

”我以為是傳教的，就說：“In your heart（在你心里）。”

老外都瘋了……

后來，我才知道他們在找天壇。

An American friend of mine was heading back to the States for a spell and asked me to take care of his cat while he was away. When he brought the cat over, he said to me, very sincerely,“Tony, please, whatever you do,please don’t eat him.” I went speechless: do all foreigners really believe that Chinese people will eat anything?

美國朋友要回國了，把養了很久的貓送給我養，送貓的時候非常誠懇地說了一句：“Tony，請你一定不要吃它。”我暗忖，難道老外認為我們中國人啥都吃嗎？

One time I was accompanying a friend of a friend, an Italian guy, around Nanjing. We were strolling around the city and had made it to Fuzimiao where we stopped in front of the sign for the sight. We were there reading the description for the place and the Italian guy was looking intently at the Five-A rating, reading it aloud,“Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah,” confusedly asking me what it meant.

有次陪朋友的朋友、一個意大利老外逛南京。逛到夫子廟景區，我們在一塊景區紀念碑前面停下來，看上面的介紹。那個意大利老外很認真地看著上面的5A級景區的“AAAAA”念道：“啊啊啊啊啊。”并很疑惑地問我們這是什么玩意兒。

I used to work at an R&D company that my Swedish coworker and I started in Shanghai.This Swede was six foot three and skinny as a rake. At that time,he’d only just arrived in Shanghai.One afternoon we went to a Sichuanese restaurant for lunch,we ordered a few different dishes to share and then the waitress brought over a big bucket of rice for us.

The Swede was quite astonished asking who was getting such a large “bowl” of rice. Without thinking about it I started joking around with him saying, “You are an important guest here. According to our customs: this rice is all for you.”He stretched his hands out,looking reluctant, “Your guys’customs here are quite peculiar.”

My phone rang just as I laughed at his comment. I stepped out to answer it and ended up chatting for a bit. When I came back about ten minutes later, the Swede had eaten up the entire bucket of rice.He sat there fixed, looking blankly at the empty “bowl,” telling me, “I finished it.” He was so full that he couldn’t even have a bite of any of the other food we ordered. After that I avoided him for many a day at lunch time, not daring to have lunch with him, feeling that I had wronged him.

我以前有一份工作是和瑞典的同事一起建立上海的研發中心。瑞典的這哥兒們193厘米的身高，瘦瘦高高，剛從瑞典來上海。中午我們一起去一家川菜館吃飯，點了幾個菜，然后服務員上了一大盆米飯（就是4人份的那種）。

這哥兒們很驚奇，問這么大一“碗”米飯誰吃，我就順口開了個玩笑：“你是重要的客人，按這邊的風俗，這些都是你一個人的。”這哥兒們雙手一攤，面露難色說：“這邊的風俗太奇特了。”

我笑笑，恰好電話響了，我出去接電話，多聊了幾句，10分鐘后回來，這哥兒們直接把一盆米飯吃完了，雙眼發直，呆呆地看著那個空了的米飯“碗”，跟我說了一句：“吃完了。”他被米飯撐得三盤菜一口都沒有吃。后來，好多天中午我都不敢和他一起吃飯，總感覺對不住他。◆