Li Ao’s Witticisms

By Li Ao

On men and women

Sometimes the reason a man doesn’t want to become a bigamist is not because he doesn’t want to marry two women, but because he doesn’t want to have to look two mothers-in-law in the face.

The top priority for a 200-pound person is not weight loss, but to stand in front of a 205-pound person.

Men who have been married many times are more enjoyable than men who have been married for many years, but men who have been married for many years are better off.

The moment the smartest woman gets involved in matters of the heart she becomes an idiot;the moment the smartest man becomes involved in matters of the heart he becomes a philosopher.

There are no ugly men, only bad men; there are no ugly women, only lazy women.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and in the eye of the beauty there is only herself.

Veteran soldiers won’t die in battle, but will die wolfing down food; hot women won’t die of starvation, but will die of indigestion.

There are five kinds of men out there for a woman: the ones in her heart, the ones in her eye,the ones in her hand, the ones in her embrace and the ones in her dreams. The men who assume there is only one kind of man for a woman are fools.

On social life

Enemies are actually trustworthy in some small way—they will never change, they will never forget you like friends usually do,and they will never ever leave you.

You always have to fight with your enemies; you only have to fight with friends from time to time.

Friends who hook up for dinner at a restaurant are just people taking a bathroom break in the middle of combat.

A good neighbor only greets you from behind the wall and never crawls over it.

What’s the difference between a life insurance purchaser and a gambler? An insurance purchaser will win when he dies, and a gambler can’t die until they win.

I finally realized what the generation gap meant when I found out my accountant was using a calculator while I couldn’t assure myself of the reliability until I recalculated it using a pen.

The happiest thing in life is doing whatever you think you can’t do. The second happiest thing in life is doing what others think you can’t do.

When I was young I took people by the hand and made them run with me; when I got old I took people by the hand and made them stop running. Is this progress or retrogress? I still don’t know.

Some people wear branded clothes and they look like off-brands you bought from some street vendor; some people wear off-brands from some street vendor and they look like name brands; and then there are some who look the same either way,like the American President Roosevelt, who didn’t care about the clothes he wore, and the Chinese writer, Mr. Li Ao, who looks the same in anything he wears.

I have no guard to keep up,I just have a hammer to keep people off me; and I have no backup, I just have a backbone.◆

(FromThe First, Translation:Chase Coulson)

Li Ao (also spelled Lee Ao, 1935-2018) was a famous writer, social commentator, historian,and independent politician in Taiwan, China.

說男女

有時，一個男人不想重婚的原因，不是不想討兩個老婆，而是不想看到兩個丈母娘。

對體重200磅的人來說，當務之急已不是減肥，而是找到205磅的人站在他前面。

結婚多次的男人比結婚多年的男人快樂，結婚多年的男人比結婚多次的男人幸福。

最聰明的女人一涉及自己的感情問題就變成笨蛋；最聰明的男人一涉及自己的感情問題就變成哲學家。

沒有丑男人，只有壞男人；沒有丑女人，只有懶女人。

情人眼里出西施，西施眼里出自己。

老兵不會戰死，但會死于狼吞虎咽；美女不會餓死，但會死于消化不良。

女人的男人，其實有五個：心中一個，眼中一個，手中一個，懷中一個，夢中一個。以為女人只有一個男人的男人是笨蛋。

說世事

敵人：他至少有一點是值得信任的——就是他們絕不變，絕不像朋友一般地忘記你，他跟你永不分離。

對敵人，要永遠斗爭；對朋友，要間歇斗爭。

溝通時上餐桌的人，就是作戰時上廁所的人。

只隔著墻對你笑，而不爬過來的才是好鄰居。

買人壽保險的人和賭徒最大的不同是：前者死了才會贏，后者贏了才會死。

當我發現我會把會計小姐用計算器算出來的數字，再用筆算一次才放心時，我清楚什么是代溝了。

人生第一快樂是做到自己認為自己做不到的事；人生第二快樂是做到別人認為自己做不到的事。

我年輕時拉著別人跑，年老時拉著別人別跑。是進步，是退步？我至今茫然不曉。

有人穿名牌像地攤貨，有人穿地攤貨像名牌，有人穿什么都一樣，那就是不講究穿的美國羅斯福總統和中國的李敖先生。

我沒有前衛，前衛就是我的錘子；我沒有后臺，后臺就是我的脊梁。◆