我總是矛盾著

文/葛優

我一直到十八九歲都不知道自己將來會是什么樣。我爸演戲的時候，我經常躲在一邊看。那時，我覺得自己可能是一輩子的忠實觀眾吧。

“文革”結束了，藝術院校招生，我忽然好像知道自己想干什么了。考藝術院校時，主考官讓我演一個動作：從后面捂女孩的眼睛，我太緊張了，捂住她的眼睛，手就下不來了。那女孩只好把情人見面的戲變成了抓流氓的戲。

我最大的特點是兩個字，一是蔫，一是縮。我不像我爸，他脾氣火暴，敢當著一千多人的面上臺指揮。我打死也不敢。只要有什么活動讓我出席，我就本能地往后縮。如果出席的人有十幾個，我就本能地坐在最邊上。我要是緊張了，就容易出汗，手心腦門出汗。出席活動，快到大廳門口時，我最緊張，好像一開門就有機槍掃射似的。

老那么慣著自己，也不行。都老大不小了，有人叫老師了，還那么羞答答的，不行。我也假裝放松過，就想象自己在拍戲，效果似乎也不錯，可總覺得太假了。我告訴別人，其實我不緊張。有人說：“誰都能看出來，你滿腦門子汗，說話磕磕絆絆，不叫緊張叫什么？”我索性老老實實說自己緊張，也不想老裝個大尾巴狼。這么一想，我反倒踏實下來。

Till the age of eighteen, I had no idea what the future would hold for me. At that time, I was fascinated by my father’s acting career.I thought I would be among his loyal audience for life.

When the Cultural Revolution was over and art colleges started enrolling students, I suddenly seemed to know what I wanted to do. When I was taking the entrance exam to an art college, the examiner asked me to act for him, so I covered up a girl’s eyes while standing behind her. I forgot to remove my hands,because I was so nervous. Then the girl had to improvise the scene, changing my role from her lover to a rogue.

My personality can be summed up in two words: shy and timid. I was very different from my father. He had a fiery temper and performed boldly before an audience of thousands. Not me. I would step back from being the focus of attention. For example, if there were ten people attending an event, I would instinctively sit in the rear. I was so nervous that I would easily break into cold sweats. As I approached the entrance to the theater, I would be very apprehensive,as if there was a machine gun awaiting me inside.

As I grew older, clearly, I could not continue being so intimidated by such situations. So, I pretended relaxed,imagining myself acting in a film. I feigned total self-confidence. My ruse was not convincing. Somebody said, “Everybody can tell you are nervous because your forehead is all sweaty. Plus, you don’t talk in a normal voice.” So, I admitted to myself, I was helplessly insecure.I stopped playing the tough guy,and in doing so, I finally gained some peace of mind.I grew up around the Beijing Film Studio and had plenty of opportunities to come across famous Chinese actors, such as Yu Yang, Zhao Ziyue, and Zhang Ping. My neighbors were all famous actors in China.Sometimes after finishing watching a movie they were in,I would see them riding their bicycles, their baskets filled with fresh Chinese cabbage, as if they had just come off the screen.

If I could go back in time, I would return to the period in my life when I was working to become famous. I liked the title of one of Li Ao’s books,Up and Down the Hill. I feel those words best describe my life. When a person strives to become successful,everything is an uphill battle.Everything is unknown. You don't know where you are going, or how far you can go, and the road is always going up. In classic love stories of the world, life is always without a predictable ending, like Romeo and Juliet, Liang Shanbo and Zhu Yingtai, just to name a few.

Ge You in To Live 電影《活著》劇照

Life is full of surprises. After acting inFarewell My Concubine,I didn’t win any awards. I didn’t get noticed for my work. But afterTo Livewrapped, I received widespread acclaim. And everything after that was smooth sailing.

Besides occasionally you need to play dead, being an actor also means you are “risking your life.”I got chronic fatigue syndrome from the heavy work load. It became my habit to lie in bed imagining how to play my next role. And I often suddenly woke up at night, my mind churning with ideas, unable go back to sleep.

In the 1990s, people did not take seriously those high-ranking figures, and wanted to see real people. Despite my fame, I see myself as an ordinary person.At that time, the Chinese were starved for humor. Nobody was in the mood for a lecture.And I was one of those people. I enjoyed the relaxing, uplifting,and the ordinary. No one wanted to pretend to elevate anyone’s consciousness. Everyone was equal. The economy was doing well. Historic ideas were challenged. Everyone suddenly realized that it was not only the people who looked good or talked well, that were important,everyone was important. If Ge You could be on the screen, who else couldn’t be?

Compared to some idols, I feel very comfortable. I am not afraid of being old, fending off the paparazzi, or having to attention whore for publicity. First, I don’t want to be the opposite of the common people. Second, I don’t need to be on the top of the popularity list. Third, if the price of fame is too high, how tiring it would be to live!

What I enjoy most is being alone. I do not get all brain cramped reading a few paragraphs from a book, as do some of my friends. I could read at least a dozen chapters a day. But there are so many daily interruptions, making it difficult for me to finish an entire book in a sitting.

People know I don’t like flying.The reason is, I feel more peaceful on a train. When I go on a train,nothing disturbs me. I go where nobody can find me, where I can stay for a long time. I sit there, thinking like an old monk,relieved of all burdens, enjoying a life that only belongs to me.

But I also enjoy having a drink with friends, chatting freely,without thinking of anything else. I like to listen. I could listen forever if my friends didn’t stop talking. They love to have me along because I am a good listener. Most often I just listen to my friends and, I seldom do any of the talking myself.

I am a walking contradiction.I like to be quiet and alone at times, but also enjoy the company of people. Does that make me a hypocrite? ◆

(FromHappy Reading.Translation: Huilan)

我從小在北影大院長大，看過太多著名的演員，比如于洋、趙子岳、張平等。街坊鄰居都是全國聞名的大演員，有時我剛看完他們主演的電影，回家就看見他們騎著自行車，筐里裝著剛搶購回來的大白菜，好像剛從銀幕上下來。

如果時光倒流，我愿意回到剛成名的那個階段。李敖寫了一本書叫《上山下山》，我很喜歡這個書名。人生用這四個字就窮盡了。剛成名的時候是上山。上山時一切都是未知，你不知道自己會到什么地方，能到什么地方，你在上升的曲線上。人最美好的是追求的過程。你看世界上流傳的最經典的愛情故事，都是沒有結局的，如羅密歐與朱麗葉、梁山伯與祝英臺。

人的一生都是偶然。演《霸王別姬》我沒得獎，演完《活著》，天時地利人和都該我得了，就得了。如果當時有什么別的戲出彩，也就沒我了。演戲除了“要命”，還要“拼命”。為演戲，我都神經衰弱了。我喜歡躺在床上琢磨戲，養成了習慣，晚上突然醒了，就睡不著了。

Ge You (right) in Farewell My Concubine電影《霸王別姬》劇照

20世紀90年代，人們不把那些高大全的人物當回事了，都想看到活生生的人。我有平民色彩，不虛偽。那時，中國人開始需要大批量的幽默，不想進電影院受教育、上課。我代表那時人們的心態，比較放松，比較樂觀，也比較普通。誰也別想教育誰，大家都是平等的。那時經濟發展，過去很多牢籠式的觀念被打破。大家忽然發現，不是只有那些長得好看的、說得好聽的人才重要，其實我們每個人都很重要。連葛優都能上屏幕，誰不能呢？

比起一些偶像明星，我覺得特坦然。我不怕年華老去，不用和狗仔隊打游擊，不用為了曝光率沒事找事。我一是不想當老百姓的對立面，二是我也當不上，三是當上的代價太大，活著該有多累！

我最想做的事情是一個人待著。有朋友一拿起書，看兩行字就暈了，我不至于那樣，每天至少要看十幾個劇本吧。我覺得還不夠靜，還不夠讓我拿起一本書就放不下，周圍總有好多事干擾我。

我不坐飛機，這事兒大家都知道。不知為什么，上火車我心特靜，上了火車，什么都干不了了。我非常想到誰都聯系不到我的地方生活一段時間，就坐在椅子上想半天事兒，老僧入定那樣，卸下所有的累贅，過一段完全屬于自己的生活。

我也愛熱鬧。比如喝點兒酒、聊聊，沒有什么利益關系。我是最不怕聽人說的，只要對方能侃，我就可以一直聽他說下去，所以朋友愛找我喝酒。我最愛扮演的角色就是觀眾。每次喝酒，我說話很少，更多是看朋友耍貧。

我總是矛盾著，又想熱鬧又想靜，是不是有點兒矯情？◆