兩代人

文/賈平凹 譯/胡宗鋒 羅賓·吉爾班克

一

爸爸，你說：你年輕的時候，狂熱地尋找著愛情。可是，爸爸，你知道嗎？就在你對著月光，繞著桃花樹一遍一遍轉著圈子，就在你跑進滿是野花的田野里一次一次打著滾兒，你渾身沸騰著一股熱流，那就是我；我也正在尋找著你呢！爸爸，你說：你和我媽媽結婚了，你是世上最幸福的人。可是，爸爸，你知道嗎？就在你新喜之夜和媽媽合吃了鬧房人吊的一顆棗兒，就在你蜜月的第一個黎明，窗臺上的長明燭結了燈彩兒，那棗肉里的核兒，就是我，那光焰中的芯兒，就是我。——你從此就有了抗爭的對頭了！

I

Daddy, you said that when you were young, you sought after love madly. But, Daddy do you know? When you were circling around the peach tree in full blossom under the moonlight, when you were somersaulting in the fi elds full of wild fl owers, a kind of boiling stream was rushing around your body. That was me, and I was looking for you too.Daddy, you said that when you got married to my mother, you were the happiest man in the world. But Daddy, do you know? When you were sharing in the date that those teasing friends dangled over you on your wedding night;and on the fi rst daybreak of your honeymoon, as the everlasting candle on the windowsill burnt down into a knot—the core of the date was me, I was the wick of the lamp. From then on, you began to have a rival.

二

II

爸爸，你總是夸耀，說你是媽媽的保護人，而善良的媽媽把青春無私地送給了你。可是，爸爸，你知道嗎？媽媽是懷了誰，才變得那么羞羞怯怯，似蓮花不勝涼風的溫柔；才變得綽綽雍雍，似中秋的明月豐豐盈盈？又是生了誰，才又漸漸褪去了臉上的一層粉粉的紅暈，消失了一種迷迷麗麗的靈光水氣？爸爸，你總是自負，說你是媽媽的占有者，而賢惠的媽媽一個心眼兒關懷你。可是，爸爸，你知道嗎，當媽媽懷著我的時候，你敢輕輕撞我一下嗎？媽媽偷偷地一個人發笑，是對著你嗎？你能叫媽媽說清你第一次出牙，是先出上牙，還是先出下牙嗎？你的人生第一聲哭，她聽見過嗎？

Daddy, you’ve always boasted that you are my mother’s guardian. My kind mother offered her youth unself i shly to you. But Daddy, do you know? After the conception, who was it that made my mother become shy and made her as tender as a waterlily unable to bear the chafe of the cold wind, and who was it that caused her to grow plump and fullfigured like the Mid-autumn moon?After the birth, who was responsible for her pink face losing its glamour and her charming feminine brightness? Daddy,you’ve always been so self-conceited and claimed you were my mother’s occupier, yet it was my virtuous mother who lavished her concern upon you.But, Daddy do you know? When I was in my mother’s womb, dare you pound me gently? When my mother smiles alone secretly is it for you? Can my mother tell you when it was you started to teethe? Which of your teeth appeared first—was it an upper or a lower one?Did she heard the fi rst wail of your life?

三

III

爸爸，你總是對著鏡子憂愁你的頭發。你明白是誰偷了你的頭發里的黑嗎？你總是摸著自己的臉面焦慮你的皮肉。你明白是誰偷了你臉上的紅嗎？爸爸，那是我，是我。在媽媽面前，咱們一直是決斗者，我是輸過，你是贏過，但是，最后你是徹底地輸了的。所以，你嫉妒過我，從小就對我不耐心，常常打我。 爸爸，當你身子越來越彎，像一棵曲了的柳樹，你明白是誰在你的腰上裝了一張弓嗎？當你的痰越來越多，每每咳起來一扯一送，你明白是誰在你的喉嚨里裝上了風箱嗎？爸爸，那是我，是我。在媽媽的面前，咱們一直是決斗者，我是輸過，你是贏過，但是，最后你是徹底地輸了。所以，你討好過我，曾把我架在你的脖子上，叫我寶寶。

Daddy, you’re always worrying about your white hairs before the mirror.Do you know who stole the darkness from them? You often stroke your face and worry about your complexion. Do you know who spirited away its red?Daddy, it was me, me. In front of my mother, we have been rivals. I lost and you won, but in the end you lost outright.So you envied me and was impatient towards me, often beating from when I was young. Daddy, when you fi gure became more and more stooped, like a bowing willow tree, do you know who put a kink in your waist? When your phlegm increases in volume and you wheeze incessantly, do you know who installed those bellows in your throat? Daddy, it was me, me. In front of my mother, we have been rivals. I lost and you won, but in the end you lost outright. So you fl attered me, let me scramble around your neck and called me “honey.”

四

IV

啊，爸爸，我深深地知道，沒有你，就沒有我，而有了我，我卻是將來埋葬你的人。但是，爸爸，你不要悲傷，你不要忌恨，你要深深地理解：孩子是當母親的一生最得意的財產，我是屬于我的媽媽的，你不是也有過屬于你的媽媽的過去嗎？啊，爸爸，我深深地知道，有了我，我就要在將來埋葬了你。但是，爸爸，你不要悲傷，你不要忌恨，你要深深地相信，你曾經埋葬過你的爸爸，你沒有忘記你是他的兒子，我怎么會從此就將你忘掉了呢？ □

Oh, Daddy, I fully understand that there would no me without you. But when I appeared, I would become the one who will bury you in the future.Even so, Daddy, don’t feel sad, don’t feel envy and hatred. This you should fully understand: the child is its mother’s proudest treasure. I belong to my mother.Didn’t you too once belong to yours? Oh,Daddy, I fully understand that when I appeared, it was as the one who would bury you in the future. Even so, Daddy, don’t feel sad, don’t feel envy and hatred. You should fully understand: once you buried your own father, you did not forget that you were his son. How ever can I forget you then? ■