雅思習作評改系列（3）：簡潔明快是好作文的標志

文/唐老雅

莎士比亞曾經說過，“brevity is the soul of wit”，也就是說，最大的智慧就在于簡潔明快。誠然，現代英語也早已擺脫了維多利亞時代英語的矯揉造作，力求思維的直接和表達的簡潔。然而，由于受漢語的影響，很多同學在寫英語的時候卻往往難以做到直接和簡明，思想兜來兜去，語言翻來覆去，讀起來很不順，從而導致失分。本期擬從簡潔的角度給各位烤鴨提供一篇作文修改，話題是“修新鐵路好還是改善現有交通好”。

題目

In a number of cities, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities.Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transport.

學生習作

The public transport, doubtlessly, is indispensable to connect each other from various places.To make the cross-city journey more time-saving and convenient,some people argue that the government spending in infrastructure investment should emphasize on building new lines for high-speed trains.Others believe that it’s acceptable to improve the current public transport.From my point of view, actually,it’s a more attractive option to construct new railway lines for express trains.

The first obvious benef i t for the second option is that it takes less money to improve the existing public transport system than to establish completely new lines for more advanced trains.To construct new lines, the government has to spend a large amount of money from the very first beginning.Such investment is not needed to improve the current public transport system.However, I think the first option is still a desirable choice.Even though it’s de finitely more expensive to build new lines and purchase high-speed trains.The money is worthwhile when the citizens can be more satisfied about the trains with latest technology, when the citizens do not have to spend that much precious time on the commuting.As an old saying goes, time is money.They earn more time thanks to government’s generous investment on public transport.Instead of wasting their time on the road, they can have more freedom in time management.

The second obvious benef i t for the second option is that it takes less time to improve the existing public transport system than to establish completely new lines for faster trains.It’s no easy thing to design and construct new lines and it’s quite reasonable to assume that it might take years to work on the project.However, in spite of the advantages of the second option, the first option is still a more considerate one.We have to admit that improvement is less time-consuming than construction but it’s hard to identify how to improve the current system,would the improvement an effective one, can the improvement solve the emerging demand for people going out.With a through consideration of the above factors,we’d rather design new lines and buy qualifying trains at first.

To spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities is the most effective solution which enables citizens to have more freedom when they go out.

評分：6

總評：結構清楚，切題有邏輯，能用英語表達思想，詞匯基本正確，語法基本正確。但是，語言使用不夠靈活，顯得比較呆板，重復表達現象不少，有較大語法錯誤和詞匯使用不當之處。另外，文章寫得過長，有些地方行文啰唆。

逐句修改

第 1段：The public transport, doubtlessly, is indispensable to connect each other from various places.To make the cross-city journey more time-saving and convenient, some people argue thatthe government spending in infrastructure investment should emphasize on building new lines for high-speed trains.Others believe thatit’s acceptable to improvethe current public transport.From my point of view, actually,it’s a more attractive option to constructnew railway lines for express trains.

【老雅修改】The public transport is doubtlessly very important in our life.To make the inter-city journey more time-saving and convenient, some people argue that the government should spend as much as it can building new lines for fast trains, while others believe it is better to improve the current transport system.In my view, constructing new high-speed railway lines is the more attractive option.

【老雅點評】1.作為開頭段，原文太長了。2.畫線部分雖然從語法上講基本正確，但寫得非常啰唆，不簡練。3.it’s acceptable to improve the current public transport中的 acceptable 使用并不準確，advisable更準確，或者用更簡單、準確的 better。4.it’s a more attractive option to construct… 這個句型與前面一個句型完全相同，一般不將兩個完全相同的句型放在一起，讀起來顯得很呆板。

第 2段：The first obvious benefit for the second option is that it takes less money to improve the existing public transport system than to establish completely new lines for more advanced trains.To construct new lines, the government has to spend a large amount of money from the very first beginning.Such investment is not needed to improve the current public transport system.However, I think the first option is still a desirable choice.Even though it’s definitely more expensive to build new lines and purchase high-speed trains.The money is worthwhile when the citizens can be more satisfied about the trains with latest technology, when the citizens do not have to spend that much precious time on the commuting.As an old saying goes, time is money.They earn more time thanks to government’s generous investment on public transport.Instead of wasting their time on the road, they can have more freedom in time management.

【老雅修改】Obviously, improving the existing transport system is much cheaper than constructing new railways lines, which will cost a large sum of the government budget.But I believe the money spent here is worthwhile because the fast train system will save the citizens much precious time.For instance,travelling from Guangzhou to Beijing by the fast train takes less than seven hours in contrast to more than 20 hours by the traditional train.So, instead of wasting their time on the road, people can enjoy more freedom in their time management.

【老雅點評】本段重點講高速鐵路可以節約人們很多寶貴時間。1.原文顯得過于重復啰唆，思維不直接。應該學會直接思維，會使文章顯得更加輕快、通順。2.Even though it’s definitely more expensive to build new lines and purchase high-speed trains.這是一個破碎句，句號應該改為逗號。3.The money is worthwhile when the citizens can be more satisfied about the trains with latest technology, when the citizens do not have to spend that much precious time on the commuting.本句中，第二個when前應該加and。4.我在修改文中增加了一個例子來具體證明fast train是如何節約人們時間的。在寫作中適當增加此類例子可以增加說服力，也可以讓行文顯得更加生動具體。

第 3段：The second obvious benefit for the second option is thatit takes less time toimprove the existing public transport system than to establish completely new lines for faster trains.It’s no easy thing todesign and construct new lines andit’s quite reasonable toassume that it might take years to work on the project.However, in spite of the advantages of the second option, the first option is still a more considerate one.We have to admit that improvement is less time-consuming than construction butit’s hard toidentify how to improve the current system, would the improvement an effective one, can the improvement solve the emerging demand for people going out.With a through consideration of the above factors, we’d rather design new lines and buy qualifying trains at first.

【老雅修改】Another reason why people support the improvement option is that it is less time-consuming.Designing and constructing new lines is never easy,which may take years to complete.However, how to improve the current system and make it effective to meet the ever increasing demand of people for travelling is perhaps a more difficult issue.The re-planning and re-construction usually involve more complicated factors than building something that is completely new.

【老雅點評】本段論述改進現有交通系統其實也很難，雖然可能更節約時間。1.原文啰唆，重復表述多，不簡潔。2.原文句式重復太多，it is…to… 句型反復使用到無聊的地步，在將來的寫作訓練中要找到辦法改變這一寫作習慣。3.through應該是thorough。

第4段：To spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities is the most effective solution which enables citizens to have more freedom when they go out.

【老雅修改】To conclude, constructing new railways lines for very fast trains is a much preferable solution to the transport problem between cities.Though it may be more money and time costly, a new fast train railway will give people more freedom and convenience when they travel.

【老雅點評】總結段應該對原文進行恰當總結。 □

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