死也要活下去

江琳琳

In the summer of 2018， a film called Dying to Survive became a phenomenon， reaping both box office success and critical acclaim.1 But this is a film that scares me， because it brings me lots of unhappy memories.

The coldness of the hospital， the pungent smell of disinfectants， the jaundiced faces， the striped pajamas…everything seems so familiar.2 This is not a fictional world； this is what I have experienced.

My father was hospitalized two years ago. In those days， he had to have pleural puncture3 regularly. In the beginning， the doctor who did the puncture was a sturdy4 woman. Supersized syringe in hand， beady sweats covering her forehead， she tried very hard to make what she did look not so intimidating.5 The doctor allowed us family members to stay in the ward6 while she was doing the puncturing， so we tried to make ourselves useful. Mother held fathers hand， and talked very soothingly to him， trying to divert his attention from the doctors scary syringe， and I was holding a clean water bottle， which would hold the pleural fluid drawn from fathers chest.7 Then， I would take the big bottle of bloody fluid to be analyzed. At such moments， I was always nervous， hoping for the best and also expecting the worst. The bottle is both repulsive and endearing，8 carrying both hope and fright. In the following days， I was not allowed in the ward， and naturally， what was happening inside was becoming more frightening. I had to take a peek from time to time through a slit between the doors. All I could see was father biting a piece of gauze9 with several sweaty doctors busy around him.

作此文時，正值2018年夏，電影《我不是藥神》如火如荼上映。一時間，呼朋喚友去看“藥神”，成了理所當然的事；但對我來說，去看“藥神”，卻需要極大勇氣，因為，它必然勾起那段很痛的回憶。冰冷的醫院走廊、刺鼻的消毒水味道，還有一張張蠟黃消瘦的臉……

In the film， Lv Shouyi， a terminal CML patient， is at deaths door because of the lack of affordable medication， and has to receive very painful treatment on a daily basis.10 “Debriding time！”11 With these words， the nurse removes Lvs blanket， revealing an enormous opening in his side. While the nurse is working on the hideous opening， Lv screams like a fatally wounded desperate wolf.12 I was wondering if father had suffered the same amount of pain， and if father would scream like Lv when mother and I were not by his side. Father never told us what happened inside the ward， maybe because he did not want us to be scared.

During those days， my father was transferred13 several times； seeing doctors shaking their heads always made me shudder. Father had to take IV injections14 from morning till night. In winter， the icy fluid was perpetually15 filling fathers warm body， chilling him to the bones. I was witnessing father emaciating16 day by day， and in the end he was too weak to even take a bite of food. In those days， father tried to talk to me whenever he had a little bit of strength， as if he had realized that he did not have much time in this world. To make things worse， fathers brother died， and in his last days， he could not eat anything either. We tried to hide the news from father， but he got to know it anyway. He did not say anything.

In those days， life was IV injections， CT scans17， and lots of pills. The medical bills the nurse handed me were like lengthy essays in school. And we had to make new payments almost every day. Pills of all sizes and fluids of all colors were consumed， while piles and piles of pink banknotes were fed into that small opening in the window， behind which sat those people in white coats， who had grown callous physically and mentally.18 Dying to survive！ Yes！ In order to hold onto your beloved ones， you will pay， and you must pay， even if it means you will be crashed by heavy debts. In those days， I swore， I would work hard to give father and mother the best.

After over a years hospitalization， father could finally come home. But recovery was very slow. In the first three months out of the hospital， he had to take IV injections from time to time. Later， things got better. All he had to do was taking all kinds of pills， which lasted for about a year.

Now， while I am writing these words， father is making his famous “roast pork” in the kitchen， and mother is watching her favorite soap opera. Life as usual.

HAPPY！

1. Dying to Survive： 電影《我不是藥神》；reap：獲得；box office： 票房；critical acclaim：高度評價。

2. 冰冷的醫院、刺鼻的消毒水味、蠟黃的臉，還有條紋病號服……一切都是那么熟悉。pungent： 刺鼻的；disinfectant： 消毒水；jaundiced： 患黃疸病似的，這里指病人們面容蠟黃的。

3. pleural puncture： 胸腔穿刺。

4. sturdy： 健碩的。

5. 手里握著超大號針管，即使豆大的汗珠從額頭不斷滲出來，她也盡力讓自己所做的看起來沒那么恐怖。syringe： 注射器；beady： 珠子般的；intimidating： 令人緊張不安的，嚇人的。

6. ward： 病房。

7. soothingly： 安慰地；pleural fluid： 胸腔積液。

8. repulsive： 令人厭惡的；endearing： 討人喜歡的。

9. gauze： 紗布。

10. 電影中，呂受益是慢性粒細胞白血病晚期，由于負擔不起昂貴的藥物，掙扎在死亡的邊緣，痛苦治療的煎熬成為家常便飯。terminal： 晚期的；CML： 慢性粒細胞白血病（chronic myelogenous leukemia）；medication：藥物治療。

11. “清創時間！”debride： 清理（傷口）。

12. 護士們在處理這駭人的傷口時，呂如受了致命傷的絕望的狼，發出陣陣慘叫。hideous：可怕的。

13. transfer： 轉院。

14. IV injection： 靜脈注射。

15. perpetually： 連續不斷地。

16. emaciate： 消瘦下去，衰弱下去。

17. CT scan： 拍CT，即計算機斷層掃描（computed tomography scan）。

18. 一沓一沓的粉色鈔票被喂進窗戶的小洞里，換來大大小小的藥丸和顏色各異的液體，洞里坐著身心都日漸冰冷的白大褂們。pink banknote： 粉紅色的紙鈔，指百元大鈔；callous：無情的，冷漠的。