吃煙 On Smoking

賈平凹

吃煙是只吃不進，屬藝術的食品和藝術的行為，應該為少數人享用，如皇宮寢室中的黃色被褥、警察的電棒、失眠者的安定片;現在吃煙的人卻太多，所以得禁止。

禁止哮喘病患者吃煙，哮喘本來痰多，吃煙咳咳咔咔的，壞煙的名節。禁止女人吃煙，煙性為火，女性為水，水火生來不相容的。禁止醫生吃煙，煙是火之因，醫是病之因，同都是因，犯忌諱。禁止兔唇人吃煙，他們噙不住香煙。禁止長胡須的人吃煙，煙囪上從來不長草的。

留下了吃煙的少部分人，他們就與菩薩同在，因為菩薩像前的香爐里終日香煙裊裊，菩薩也是吃煙的。與黃鼠狼子同舞，黃鼠狼子在洞里，煙一熏就出來了。與龜同默，龜吃煙吃得蓋殼都焦黃焦黃。還可以與驢同嚎，瞧呀，驢這老煙鬼將多么大的煙袋鍋兒別在腰里！

我是吃煙的，屬相上為龍，云要從龍，才吃煙吞吐煙霧要做云的。我吃煙的原則是吃時不把煙分散給他人，寧肯給他人錢，錢宜散不宜聚，煙是自焚身亡的忠義之士，卻不能讓與的。而且我堅信一方水土養一方人，是中國人就吃中國煙，是本地人就吃本地煙，如我數年里只吃“猴王”。

杭州的一個寺里有幅門聯，是：“是命也是運也，緩緩而行;為名乎為利乎，坐坐再去。”忙忙人生，坐下來干啥，坐下來吃煙。

Smoking mimics the act of eating only nothing passes into your guts. It is a form of connosieurship akin to art appreciation and fine cuisine. Like the bed chambers in the imperial palace， the stun guns used by police officers， and the tranquillisers used by insomniacs， it exists to be used by the few. Nowadays， there are too many smokers and it should be outlawed.

Asthmatics should be forbidden from smoking. They have too much pent-up phlegm. When they smoke they will hack and give cigarettes a bad reputation. Women should be prohibited from smoking since tobacco belongs to the element of fire and the female sex to the element of water. The two cannot coexist. Physcians should be banned too because smoke is the root of fire， just as there would be no doctors if there were not first of all illness. They are both tied to the cause of certain phenomena， so for them to mix would be taboo. Those with a hare-lip should be proscribed as well， for they cannot balance a cigarette in their mouths. Ditto， gentlemen with lengthy facial hair. Whoever has seen grass growing inside a chimney breast？

A tiny minority would still be permitted to smoke. They would be allowed to live like the Bodhisattva. All day long censers in front of the Buddha statue exhale perfumed clouds， so that he is a fellow smoker. Smokers can jig together with the skunk， which secretes itself in its warren until the stench proves unbearable. Those addicts keep silent together with the turtles. The turtle smokes until its shell is stained sallow. They can also bray together with the donkeys. Behold， both tuck their pipes about their waists when not in use， but the donkey’s is humongous！

I am a smoker. I was born in the Year of the Dragon. Clouds circulate around the dragon. He can only generate these after swallowing smoke. My principle of smoking is that I don’t pass out cigarettes to others; I would rather give them money. For it is good to spread out money rather than hoard it. Tobacco is a kind of loyal and faithful retainer who would rather he himself be burnt to death. Thus， one should not offer it to others. I firmly believe that man is the product of his environment. Chinese people should smoke Chinese cigarettes. Local people should smoke locally-produced tobacco. For instance， I’ve stuck to the Shaanxi-made Monkey King for years.

A couplet on the architraves of a temple in Hangzhou states： “Whether through fate or luck， persist in your life slowly; whether for fame or for gain， sit for a while before you leave.” In the midst of a busy life， why should people sit down？ Just sit down and smoke.