The Suspect Was a Salesman

By Zhong Ming

The police are in the interrogation room with a suspect who is in the hot seat.

“What's your name?” A cop asked.

“My name is Lew Shaw. Male. Born in 1968. I live at 9 Silver Tongue Lane and work at Better Homes Industries. My work phone number is, 12345678. My home phone is 87654321. If I'm not at work or at home, then I'm on the road. Call my cell and I'll bring a better home right to your door. Take down my cell in case you need to reach…”

“Stop jerking around and just answer the questions!” The cop snapped. “Where were you on the night of the sixteenth of this month?”

“The sixteenth of this month? Well, I have to think about that. I never remember times when I'm at work. Say, is there a calendar around here somewhere? You guys really ought to get a smart calendar that can send you little reminders of what you've got to do that day. Something like a secretary does for you. It's real convenient. Just like that little recorder of yours. Saves you time and trouble. All you've got to do is press a button, and it can record our whole entire conversation from beginning to end. That way you don't have to go troubling a young lady from the office to take it all down for you by hand.”

審訊室里，警官正在提審一名嫌疑犯。

“你的名字？”警官問。

“我叫羅數，男，1968年生，家住長舌胡同9號，現在是萬家產業公司的職員。公司電話：12345678。住宅電話：87654321。如果我不在公司，也不在家，那一定在去您家的路上，請撥打我的手機，我將竭誠為您服務。我的手機號是……”

“問你什么就回答什么，別亂扯。”警官嚴厲地說，“本月16號晚上你在干什么？”

“16號晚上……讓我想想，我工作起來總是忘記時間。這里沒有日歷嗎？你們應該準備一本電子智能日歷，它可以隨時提醒您每天需要做的事情，如同隨身秘書一樣。比如現在您只需按一下錄音鍵，就能把我們的對話完整地記錄下來，而不用勞煩這位女士手寫了……”

“我問你16號晚上在哪里？”警官喝道。

“在一位女士的家里。最近她的情緒很糟糕，她的臉上長了一些不知名的黃斑，嚴重影響了她的生活。我向她推薦一種特效祛斑霜，這是本公司新研制的產品，具有消除雀斑、黃褐斑、老年斑等效果。”

“別說這些，還干了什么？”

“我還演示了多功能吸塵器的用法，它不但能清除室內各種垃圾，消滅細菌污染，還具有加濕的功能，只需在備用箱里加些水。如果您因為工作繁忙不能照顧家庭，不妨給您的妻子買一個，表達您對她的關心和愛意。”

“我還沒結婚呢。”

“那您一定正在準備結婚，我公司生產的新式按摩床墊，將給您一個驚喜，讓您在新婚之夜享受意想不到的快樂。”

“住嘴。只說和受害人有關的事情。”

“這就有關系。我正把床墊鋪在床上，當然是那位女士和她丈夫的床上，這時，她的丈夫回來了。”

“那是幾點？”警官問。

“9點23分。我當時還建議她在床頭安置我公司新推出的‘漂亮寶貝’牌臺燈，它能散發出多種香氣，您可以選擇自己喜歡的味道……您問我怎么那么肯定是9點23分，因為臺燈上有制作精美的計時器。”

“后來呢？”

“為了避免嫌疑，她讓我躲在衣櫥里，等她丈夫洗澡時再離開。可衣櫥設計得很不合理，空間小，空氣不流通，人在里面容易感染鼻炎、咽喉炎等疾病，幸虧我隨身帶有空氣清新劑，這是我公司的新產品……”

“受害人是怎么發現你的？”

“不知為什么他們爭吵起來，我聽見有砸東西的聲音，就偷偷往外看，只見她丈夫的臉上、身上沾滿了泥水，正氣急敗壞地大罵吸塵器。我主動出來跟他解釋，那是他使用不當，誤按了噴灑鍵。”

“I asked you where you were on the night of the sixteenth!” The policeman bellowed, an inch or two away from losing his patience altogether.

“I was at a girl's house. She was moody because of a bad case of acne that had pretty much been ruining her life up to that point. I recommended a good skin cream that could clear up the problem. It's part of our new line of amazing new skin care products. It can clear up acne, freckles, skin discolorations, liver spots and other nasty blemishes, restoring a woman's youthful radiance and giving her skin that soft, healthy glow that will make her the center of attention.”

“What the…? Look, just stick to the point! What were you doing at the time?”

“I was demonstrating how to use our new multi-function vacuum cleaner. Not only can it clear away all those grubby bugaboos from the room, it can also get rid of germs, dust mites and pollutants, and it even comes complete with a handy humidifier. Just pour a cup of water in the back compartment, turn it on and… PRESTO! Instant relief for dry skin in need of youthifying moisture. And, if your hectic schedule leaves you with no time to care for your loved ones, then don't wait, pick up the phone and get one for your lovely wife today! It's that perfect gift that'll say to her, ‘Honey, take a load off and enjoy life!' You can show your wife just how much you care!”

“I'm not married, sir.”

“But you look to me like a man just one step away from holy matrimony, and we've got just the thing for that. It's our newly designed massage mattress. Giving you and your radiant bride-to-be a special surprise that'll help to spice up your wedding night.”

“Alright, that's enough! Listen, if it doesn't have anything to do with the victim, then I don't want to hear it, okay?”

“But it's got everything to do with the victim. I was right in the middle of installing that same massage mattress on the girl and her husband's bed, when the husband came home.”

“And what time was that?” The cop asked.

“9:23 on the nose. I happened to be installing our brand-new Pretty Baby lamp, which can put out an alluring array of scents. Just select your favorite and before you know it, the room will be filled with a powerful potpourri of fine fragrance. I remember it was exactly at 9:23 because the lamp comes complete with an exquisitely-crafted timepiece right on the face.”

“And then?”

“And then, she had me hide in the closet until her husband had his shower and left—to avoid suspicion you know. But the closet wasn't designed with people in mind, it was small and musty with bad air. In a place like that a person could come down with a terrible case of sinusitis, laryngitis or any one of a host of other painful diseases. Luckily I just happened to be carrying our handy-dandy new air purifier. It's the newest in a long line of topquality…”

“How did the victim find out you were there?”

“For some reason they started arguing. I heard the sound of things breaking and I just couldn't help it. I snuck a peak out of the closet and noticed her husband was standing there covered from head to toe in dirt and grime and screaming at the vacuum cleaner like a kook. So, I got out of the closet and went over to explain how the vacuum worked. I told him he didn't know how to use it, and that he had mistakenly put it in blower mode.”

“Why did you knock him down?”

“He demanded to know who I was, and I told him I was a salesman. He got all angry and asked what the filth and foul I was doing in his bedroom. I told him to calm down, that I was just testing out some bedding with his wife and then he went nutty as a fruitcake! He ran over to attack me, and all I could do was to defend myself.”

“What did you knock him out with?”

“This just happens to be the handiest feature of our handydandy anti-terrorist air purifier. When he came over to hit me, I pressed the red button, sending out a specially formulated spray that can knock a water buffalo unconscious with just one whiff. Guaranteed or your money back. But don't worry about the victim sir, he'll be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in another day or two. (From:Cool Refreshing Jokes, Golden Shield Press. Translation: Chase Coulson)

“你為什么把他打倒？”

“他問我是誰，我說我是推銷員。他憤怒地說，你在臥室干什么？我說，和您的夫人試驗床上用品。他便沖過來要揍我，我被迫自衛。”

“你用什么將他擊昏的？”

“這正是空氣清新劑的另一種作用。當你遇到突然襲擊時，只需按下紅色開關，就能噴出致人昏迷的氣體。您不用擔心，半天后他就會醒過來。”

（摘自《精彩新潮幽默》金盾出版社）