別再等你的靈魂伴侶了

文/阿瑟·C.布魯克斯 譯/茹丘延 審訂/陳秀

Do you believe in true love? Probably so: 94 percent of Americans say they do, according to one 2019 survey by the data-collection company Statista.

2True love isn’t too controversial, I think.But a large portion of Americans also hold some even more romantic—and less realistic—beliefs about love.According to a 2017 survey run by the dating site Elite Singles, 61 percent of women and 72 percent of men believe in love at first sight.Back in 2011, a Marist poll asked, “Do you believe in the idea of soul mates, that is two people who are destined to be together?”To this question, 74 percent of men and 71 percent of women answered “yes.”

3To many of those who believe in them, these widespread, almost magical notions of romance might be the essence of true love.Others might say that a more earthbound approach to romance is better—that true love over the long haul is a combination of good luck,free will, and hard work.The evidence shows that the latter group is correct.What’s more, engaging in fanciful ideas about romantic love can make it harder to find and keep.

你相信這世上有真愛嗎？可能你會說有。德國數(shù)據(jù)統(tǒng)計互聯(lián)網(wǎng)公司Statista 2019 年的一項調查顯示，94%的美國人就這一問題給出了肯定的回答。

2我認為真愛并不會引起很大爭議，但很大一部分美國人仍然對愛情持有一些過于浪漫而不太切合實際的觀點。美國交友網(wǎng)站“單身貴族”2017 年的一項調查顯示，61%的女性和72%的男性相信一見鐘情。早在2011 年，馬里斯特民調中心的一項調查就問道：“你相信靈魂伴侶的存在嗎？也就是說，你相信兩個人命中注定會在一起嗎？”對于這個問題，74%的男性和71%的女性給出了肯定的回答。

3對于許多相信真愛和靈魂伴侶的人來說，種種廣為流傳、近乎神奇的浪漫情懷大概就是真愛的本質。其他人可能會說貼近實際的愛情觀更好，因為真愛之所以能長久，是幸運相伴、你情我愿和一起努力三者共同作用的結果。有證據(jù)表明后者的觀點是正確的。此外，如果一直沉迷于對愛情的浪漫幻想，那么找到真愛、維持真愛就會更難。

4Many studies have shown that popular culture and media tend to portray love and romance unrealistically,leaning disproportionately on love at first sight and living happily ever after.Research on Disney’s animated movies,for example, shows that the majority of them rely on exactly these themes.These films may, in turn, influence children’s and young adults’ views about romance.

4不少研究表明，流行文化和大眾媒體往往將愛情描繪得不切實際：過分強調男女一見鐘情，此后過上幸福生活。例如，對迪士尼動畫電影的研究顯示，大多數(shù)影片的創(chuàng)作都基于這些主題，而這些影片又反過來影響了孩子和年輕人的愛情觀。

5Despite its popularity in stories and movies, love at first sight has little to do with reality.Researchers have found that what people describe as “l(fā)ove at first sight” has no connection to the real hallmarks of true love, including passion, intimacy, and commitment.

5盡管一見鐘情在小說和電影中大行其道，但與現(xiàn)實卻關聯(lián)甚少。研究人員發(fā)現(xiàn)，人們口中的“一見鐘情”與真愛的特質，比如激情、親密和承諾等，沒有任何聯(lián)系。

6Even though it’s a fantasy, believing in love at first sight is relatively harmless for couples.That’s because it’s a retrospective narrative, not one that sets expectations about the current relationship or the future.Other idealistic but unrealistic beliefs can do a lot of damage.Take the idea of romantic destiny,or “soul mates”—the belief that two people are deliberately brought together by unseen forces.Research on hundreds of college students has shown that such expectations are correlated with dysfunctional patterns in relationships,such as the assumption that partners will understand and predict each other’s wishes and desires with little effort or communication because they’re a cosmically perfect match.In other words,a belief in destiny leads to a belief in mind reading.

6一見鐘情雖然只是一種幻想，但相信一見鐘情對于情侶來說倒也無傷大雅。因為一見鐘情是對過去的描述，而不是對當前關系或未來進展設定預期。其他理想主義卻不切實際的愛情觀可能非常有害。例如，“愛情宿命論”（或者說“靈魂伴侶論”）認為兩個人是由無形的力量刻意結合在一起的。一項針對數(shù)百名大學生的研究表明，這種期望與情感關系失調之間存在相關性。例如，人們會覺得不需要努力和溝通，伴侶就能領會和預測彼此的愿望，因為他們是天造地設的一對。換句話說，相信命中注定就會相信讀心術。

7This wreaks havoc on relationships.For one, it hinders forgiveness after a fight (“You should know what bothers me without me having to tell you!”),which in turn increases distress and escalates the severity of conflicts.Researchers have also found that people who believe in destiny are more likely to end a relationship via “ghosting,”in which one partner abruptly cuts off contact, leaving the ghosted partner to suffer a breakup with no explanation.

8The opposite of “destiny beliefs” is a conviction of free will—the view that partners decide whether they should be together, and thus, that they are responsible for the relationship’s success.

9If you’re searching for the right relationship, you can avoid the pitfalls of destiny beliefs in three ways.

10First, remember that Hollywood doesn’t have your love interests at heart.When you indulge in a romantic comedy, consider its source.According to the U.K.-based Marriage Foundation,“A-list” screen stars have a divorce rate of 52 percent within the first 16 years of their first or subsequent marriages, more than 10 points higher than the rate after the same length of time among even the divorciest cohort of Americans, who wed for the first time in the 1970s; more than 20 points higher than Americans who wed for the first time in the 1960s;and 21 points higher than the U.K.average.Not even the creators of the movie can achieve the standard they are promoting.Enjoy the occasional romcom as entertainment if you must, but do so in the way you do science fiction,because it is about as unrealistic.

7這種想法會嚴重破壞情侶之間的關系，比如致使他們在爭吵后難以原諒對方。他們會認為“你應該知道是什么讓我心煩，而不是由我來告訴你！”這反過來又會加劇痛苦，加深矛盾。研究人員還發(fā)現(xiàn)，相信命中注定的人更有可能通過“突然消失”的方式來結束一段感情。也就是說，一方突然杳無音訊，留下被拋棄的另一方承受分手之苦，卻得不到任何解釋。

8與“命中注定”的愛情觀相對的是“你情我愿”的愛情觀，即認為要由雙方?jīng)Q定是否應該在一起，從而對這段關系的成敗負責。

9如果你正在尋找一份合適的愛情，有3 種方法可以讓你避免陷入“命中注定”的圈套。

10首先，要記住好萊塢對你的愛情并不上心。當你沉迷于某部愛情喜劇片的時候，想想它幕后的故事。根據(jù)英國婚姻基金會的統(tǒng)計，“一線”影星在初婚或再婚的前16 年里，離婚率為52%。這一數(shù)據(jù)比離婚率最高的20 世紀70 年代初婚美國人，經(jīng)過同等長度婚姻生活后的離婚率還要高出10%以上；比20 世紀60 年代初婚美國人的離婚率高出20%以上；比英國的平均離婚率高出21%。就算是電影的創(chuàng)作者也達不到他們所宣傳的標準。所以，如果你一定要看愛情喜劇片，偶爾消遣一下倒也無妨，但要像對待科幻小說那樣，畢竟，它們幾乎一樣不真實。

11Second, work deliberately to make sure that your romance grows beyond the white-hot flame that characterizes new love.Maintaining passionate love forever after is not only an unrealistic goal, but one that wouldn’t make you happy even if it were possible.On the contrary, the most joyful, enduring romances are those that are able to evolve from passionate to companionate love—which still has plenty of passion, but is fundamentally based in deep friendship.To increase the odds of success, as your romance progresses, don’t ask yourself,“Is our passion as high as it was?” but rather, “Is our friendship deepening?”

11其次，用心經(jīng)營感情，確保感情不斷加深，而不是止步于剛開始時的激情。在愛情中永遠保持激情不僅不現(xiàn)實，即便能做到，也不會給你帶來幸福。相反，最快樂長久的愛情能從激情之愛過渡為陪伴之愛。這種愛情仍然充滿激情，但就本質而言是基于深厚的友誼。隨著感情的發(fā)展，若想提高愛情成功的概率，不要問自己“我們的感情和原來一樣濃烈嗎？”，而要問“我們的友情加深了嗎？”

12最后，開始一段關系前，先問問潛在的約會對象是否相信“命中注定”。如果有人說自己正在尋找“靈魂伴侶”，或者坦言相信“一見鐘情”，那么這個人一開始可能會非常浪漫，但在接下來的幾個星期或幾個月里，極有可能因為你沒能讀懂他的心思而無法原諒你。他或許還會突然不接電話、不回短信、不回私信、不回郵件，與你失去聯(lián)系。所以，找一個現(xiàn)實主義者更好。

12Finally, ask any potential partners about their destiny beliefs right from the start.Someone who says he is looking for his “soul mate” or who confesses to believing in love at first sight might seem wonderfully romantic at the outset, but a few weeks or months down the line, he’ll be disproportionately likely to be unable to forgive you for not reading his mind, or to suddenly become unreachable by voice, text, DM1= direct message 私信。,or email.Looking for a realist is a better bet.

13Enduring love is not some kind of cosmic switch, turned on once and for all by mysterious forces.Rather, it is a dial that we can turn up over time by the commitments we choose to make and keep to one another.Romantic love is very much like any other important pursuit: Success comes from our ongoing effort; satisfaction from a job well done.

14“Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,” Shakespeare wrote in his 116th sonnet, “But bears it out even to the edge of doom.” True love goes on and on, along sometimes bumpy roads.Challenges and low points are not evidence that partners are not meant to be together; rather, they are inevitable, and opportunities for growth.Long-term romance is such a sweet adventure precisely because it is not destiny.■

13永恒的愛情并不是某個世界的開關，一旦由神秘力量打開便永遠存在。它更像個儀表盤，隨著時間的推移，我們可以通過彼此承諾、互相履行來調節(jié)。追求愛情和追求其他重要的事物一樣，只有通過不懈的努力才能收獲成功，只有把事情做好才能收獲滿足感。

14莎士比亞在他的第116 首十四行詩中寫道：“滄桑輪回，愛卻長生不改，巍然矗立，直到末日的盡頭。”愛情之路時而崎嶇不平，真愛之人必會一路前行。挑戰(zhàn)和低谷并不意味著兩人不般配；相反，挑戰(zhàn)和低谷是不可避免的，也是兩人成長的機會。正因為愛情不是命中注定的，長久的浪漫才會是一場甜蜜的冒險。 □