高考作文習(xí)作點(diǎn)評(píng)

★2008年高考英語(天津卷)作文題目

第二節(jié) 書面表達(dá)(滿分25分)

假設(shè)2008年2月12日是你父親的生日，下面三幅圖描繪的是你給父親買完禮物后乘坐地鐵回家時(shí)經(jīng)歷的一件事。請(qǐng)根據(jù)圖示，用英語寫一篇日記記敘這件事，并談?wù)勛约旱母惺堋?/p>

注意：

1. 詞數(shù)不少于100；2. 可適當(dāng)加入細(xì)節(jié)，以使行文連貫。

參考詞匯：

地鐵(列車)—subway train

① 在回家的地鐵上

② 下一站

③ 約1分鐘后

學(xué)生習(xí)作與點(diǎn)評(píng)

學(xué)生習(xí)作

Today is my father's birthday， 1so I bought a gift for him. And then I went home by subway. I sat in the seat which 2is the only one left 3and imagine that how happy my father would be when he 4receive the gift.

5without my conscious， I had already arrived at the next station. At that time an old lady got on the subway with lots of things in her hands， so I 6offer my seat to her. 7She said thanks to me. In the meanwhile， I was praised for what I did.

8although it took me a long time to get home by standing there， I still 9feel very happy.

原文修改稿

Today is my father's birthday. I bought a gift for him and then went home by subway train. I sat in the seat which was the only left in the carriage， and I imagined how happy my father would be when he received the gift.

When the subway train arrived at the next station， an old lady got onto the train with lots of things in her hands. She just stood in front of me. Watching the old lady， I hesitated. After shopping for two hours， I was really tired and was very pleased to have a seat to rest on the way home. However， a voice from my heart told me， \"You are young; you should give your seat to the old lady.\" So I stood up and offered my seat to the old lady. She thanked me and praised me.

Although it took me a long time to get home by standing on the subway train， I felt very happy for what I did.

● 整體點(diǎn)評(píng)

這篇習(xí)作基本涵蓋了圖畫的內(nèi)容，不足之處是對(duì)第二幅圖的描述過于簡(jiǎn)單(參見難點(diǎn)分析6)。作者寫作時(shí)注意到了句式的變化，用到了定語從句(I sat in the seat which is the only one left)、賓語從句(and imagine in that how happy my father would be...)、讓步狀語從句(Although it took me a long time to get home...)等。但是，作者卻對(duì)細(xì)節(jié)重視不夠，多處出現(xiàn)時(shí)態(tài)錯(cuò)誤(見難點(diǎn)分析2、3、4、6和9)和大小寫錯(cuò)誤(見難點(diǎn)分析5和8)，說明作者在平時(shí)寫作時(shí)不重視基本功的訓(xùn)練。另外，對(duì)于一些詞語(組)的應(yīng)用欠準(zhǔn)確(見難點(diǎn)分析5和7)。

● 難點(diǎn)分析

1. 此處的so可以刪掉。句意上，”Today is my father's birthday”是交代客觀事實(shí)，而后兩句”I bought a gift...”和“went home by subway”則是描述發(fā)生的事情，在時(shí)間上存在先后關(guān)系，合并為一句更為合適(見原文修改稿)。

2. 時(shí)態(tài)錯(cuò)誤，這篇文章是日記形式，記錄過去已經(jīng)發(fā)生的事情，應(yīng)該用過去時(shí)，is改為was 。

3. 這句話太長(zhǎng)了，一口氣讀下來會(huì)很累，為理解增加了難度。筆者建議在and前加個(gè)逗號(hào)，將其斷成兩個(gè)分句(見原文修改稿)。另外，動(dòng)詞的時(shí)態(tài)使用錯(cuò)誤，imagine應(yīng)改為過去時(shí)態(tài)imagined。

4. 時(shí)態(tài)錯(cuò)誤，receive應(yīng)該為過去時(shí)態(tài)received。

5. 句首的第一個(gè)字母應(yīng)大寫。另外，“without my conscious”這個(gè)詞組使用錯(cuò)誤。Without之后應(yīng)該接名詞形式consciousness，而conscious是形容詞；根據(jù)上下文，作者此處想要表達(dá)的意思是“在我沒察覺的情況下，列車已經(jīng)開到了下一站”，正確的表達(dá)應(yīng)該是“I was not aware that...”。而consciousness強(qiáng)調(diào)的是人的“知覺，感覺；自覺”，如“l(fā)ose consciousness(失去知覺)”。具體修改詳見原文修改稿。

6. 時(shí)態(tài)錯(cuò)誤，offer應(yīng)該用過去時(shí)態(tài)。另外，此處只通過一句話“我把座位讓給她”來描述整個(gè)第二幅圖過于簡(jiǎn)單，沒有很好地說明第二幅圖的內(nèi)容。如果加上幾句話說明作者思想斗爭(zhēng)的話就更好了。具體增加的內(nèi)容詳見原文修改稿。

7. Thank一詞本身可作為及物動(dòng)詞使用，所以“因?yàn)槟呈赂兄x某人”可表示為“thank sb. for sth.”；praise一詞也可作及物動(dòng)詞使用，表示“贊揚(yáng)，稱贊”。因此，這兩句話可合并為由and連接的一句話，使句子表意更加簡(jiǎn)潔、清晰(見原文修改稿)。

8. 句首的第一個(gè)字母應(yīng)大寫。

9. 時(shí)態(tài)錯(cuò)誤，feel 應(yīng)改成felt。

參考范文

After I finished my school classes， I went shopping and bought a gift for my father because today is his birthday. Then I went home by subway train and luckily I had a seat. I sat there and imagined how happy my father would be when he saw the gift. Soon the subway train arrived at the next station， an old lady with many bags in her hands got onto the train and stood in front of me. 1Watching the old lady， I hesitated. After shopping for two hours， I was really tired and was very pleased to have a seat to rest on the way home. However， a voice from my heart told me \"You are young; you should give your seat to this old lady.\" One minute later， I stood up and offered my seat to her. She thanked me and praised me.

2Although I stood all the way home， I felt very happy for what I did.

有用的表達(dá)方式

1. imagine vt. 想象

例句：Imagine that you are one of the students chosen to solve the problem.

If teleportation (心靈運(yùn)輸) becomes possible， we may be able to travel faster and farther than we could ever imagine.

2. arrive vi. 到達(dá)，到來

搭配：arrive in表示到達(dá)大地方，arrive at 表示到達(dá)小地方。

例句：In 1788， the first fleet of 11 ships arrived in Australia.

When they arrived at his office， they were all afraid of what Han Xin would do to them， and what horrible punishment he was going to give them.

3. offer vt. (主動(dòng))給予，提供

例句：I just listened patiently and offered some advice， that's all.

Many people like Gao Tian dream of being their own boss. Being self-employed offers the chance to be in control， to be an employer rather than an employee， and to have the freedom to be creative.

4. praise vt. 贊揚(yáng)，稱贊

例句：Oprah's program about literature， in which she reviews books， is very popular. When she praises a book， it will become a best-seller.

The guests praised her sister more than her. (2005 廣東)

5. hesitate vi. 猶豫，躊躇，遲疑不決

例句：When I found this amazing power placed within my hands， I hesitated a long time thinking how I should use it.

He hesitated about keeping the money for some time. (2002上海)

6. pleased adj. 高興的，喜歡的；滿意的

搭配：be pleased to do sth. 高興做某事，樂意做某事；be pleased about (或at) sth. 對(duì)某事很高興(或滿意)

例句：Your wife would not be pleased to hear you say that.

The old king was very pleased at her reply， and promised to give her one third of his land.

(注：未標(biāo)明出處的例句均選自高中課本)

參考句型

1. 現(xiàn)在分詞結(jié)構(gòu)作狀語。

2. Although引導(dǎo)的讓步狀語從句。