２００８年７－８月號“一起寫故事”征文點評

如果一篇文章能用“insightful、charming、realistic”這三個詞來形容，那么，它是否已經(jīng)激起你的閱讀欲望了呢？讀下去吧，它不會讓你失望的。

She's Always Talking About This!

All these years she keeps telling me things like \"Do you remember when you are younger， like 4 or 5， you tripped and fell to the ground， hurt your head， I would help you up， and held up， say， three fingers and asked 'What's this?' And when you mumbled1) 'Three' with tears in your eyes， I would feel relieved: She's fine.\"

I do feel interested the first time I've heard this， but as years go by， I'm so tired of this sort of stuff that every time she starts talking， I know exactly what she's going to say. Why， why won't we talk about something funnier? Like TV series， pop music， traveling， books， fashion， anything but this! Why you keep doing this， bore me to death?

As I was in a very good mood yesterday， I cut out some cute pictures wanting to show her when she came. We went through several and then came to a heart-shaped one with a lovely little girl and her mom on it， smiling like angels.

\"This is my favorite!\" She exclaimed. Really? Mine， too. \"You see this kid? Look at her beautiful eyes， doesn't she look...\" \"...exactly like me when I was little.\" I whispered together with her in my mind. Then she's using every word she could find to describe her close resemblance2) to her little girl. There you go again! I don't know why this time I'm listening.

\"And I said 'what's this?'...\" Her eyes were filled with eagerness as if somewhere in front of her eyes sat a fallen girl， crying her heart out. I suddenly realized， for the first time that not only was she telling the story， she was picturing herself in the past when she could console and soothe her daughter!

Yep， she's my mum， who's no longer able to care about her daughter that much after she grows up and is seeking for relief in the distant past she can never reach. She's constantly chattering because of me. I made her.

I was completely crushed when I saw her lost in happiness. If this is the grown-up thing I've always longed for， then I'd rather be a little girl forever.

\"You looked weird. Did you just bumped your head again?\" She asked， pulling herself back to reality.

\"Yeah， and unable to think properly...\"

\"Hum?\" She frowned3) and embraced the world of fun. \"Then， what's this?\" She held up three fingers.

\"Three.\" The little girl inside me said， smiling.

General Comments

總體點評

This story was interesting and enjoyable for me to read. However， there were some errors in the writing. I think that the author could work to improve the clarity of the piece. I loved the ending and I thought that it brought the story to a charming close.

(總體上說，這篇文章生動有趣，讀起來令人十分愉悅，結(jié)尾也是恰到好處。但不足之處在于，有些句子的表意不清，可能會影響閱讀的流暢性，為讀者理解文章帶來一些障礙，希望作者能有所改進。)

Advantages

文章的閃光之處

Charming Content內(nèi)容引人入勝

This story's content was insightful， charming， and realistic all at the same time. The author is very perceptive4)， and gives us insights about how much parents cling to5) their children in their own lives. The author also understands the view of children frustrated6) by their parents' unwillingness to let go. The story about the little girl falling and hurting her head， repeated at the ending， reminded us that many of us still have children inside.

(Adora用了三個詞來形容這篇文章的內(nèi)容：insightful，charming和realistic，我們不妨理解為：作者的眼光獨到而深刻，描寫的內(nèi)容精彩而吸引人，敘述的感情真實而感人。從這篇文章中，我們能夠讀出父母對于兒女濃濃的愛和依戀，即使兒女已經(jīng)長大成人，在父母眼里依然是那個永遠長不大的孩子；而對于父母愛的牽絆，總有一天，我們也會從不理解轉(zhuǎn)變成理解，進而用更多的關(guān)愛來回報父母。這樣一種真實的情感，總是能俘獲讀者的心，產(chǎn)生強烈的共鳴。)

Good Formatting格式規(guī)范整齊

I was impressed with the good formatting in this story. There are appropriate indentations7) for paragraphs and all speech is in quotes.

(一篇好的文章，規(guī)范的格式也同樣重要。合理的分段和引語的正確使用，都能幫助讀者緊跟作者思路的發(fā)展和變化，從而更好地理解文章。)

Room for Improvement

有待改進的空間

Tenses時態(tài)要一致

Beware of inconsistent8) tenses! The author either switches9) tenses or uses incorrect tenses in different places throughout the story. In the beginning， one sentence starts with \"Do you remember when you are younger.\" This is incorrect. Because the narrator was younger in the past， it would be \"Do you remember when you were younger.\" Also， the author says \"did you just bumped10).\" This is incorrect， and can be changed to either \"did you just bump\" or \"have you bumped.\"

(文章的時態(tài)能幫助讀者理解故事的發(fā)生背景、后續(xù)發(fā)展和變化情況。如果一篇文章時態(tài)紊亂，表示作者在寫作時思緒也是混亂的，讀者在閱讀時就會覺得仿佛被困在了時空的夾縫當(dāng)中，找不到適當(dāng)?shù)某隹冢鼊e談好好享受閱讀文章的樂趣了。因此，時態(tài)的連貫性和一致性便顯得尤為重要了。)

Clarity表意要清晰

This story was a little confusing to me. At first， I don't know who the author is referring to when she says \"she.\" Some of the grammatical errors hinder11) my understanding of the piece. In one place， the narrator says \"There you go again!\" At first， it's not very clear whether the narrator is talking to the reader or to her mother. To make the passage clearer I would suggest saying， \"There you go again， I thought to myself.\" The italics12) show that the narrator is thinking about the issue italicized.

(表意不清容易阻斷閱讀的流暢性，更嚴(yán)重的時候，甚至?xí)鹌缌x。因此，在寫作中我們一定要努力做到表意清晰。這就要求我們除了注意正確合理地使用人稱、時態(tài)等基本的語法規(guī)范之外，也要注意通過一些小技巧來處理一些細節(jié)性的內(nèi)容，比如利用斜體以及提示語句來區(qū)分內(nèi)心活動和正文描寫，以免產(chǎn)生理解上的偏差。)

I would strongly recommend this short story to readers. It is insightful and perceptive. Small mistakes sometimes hindered my understanding of the story， but I found it to be a beautiful and enjoyable read.

(雖然還存在一定的改進空間，但文章十足的趣味性和真摯的情感，還是獲得了Adora的肯定。有了Adora的強烈推薦，你也再回頭領(lǐng)略一下故事的感人之處吧。)