教你寫出地道英語

本文擬以一篇學生習作為例，從詞法、句法、遣詞造句、篇章結構以及常見錯誤等方面全面分析英語寫作的技巧，以達到提高語言輸出的能力，寫出漂亮地道的英語。

●原文呈現●

July 24Sunny

An Unforgettable Day

I was told there would have a concert in the city theatre， this made me very happy because I fond of music. I rose up early in the morning so that I can buy some tickets for Jim， a good friend of mine， and I. When I got there， I was surprised to see lots of people waiting in line to buy tickets at the entrance of the box office. Though I spent an hour for the tickets， but I thought it was well worth doing. Getting the tickets， my heart felt great. I called Jim and told him the time to go to the concert on time and he said yes to me.

It was evening when we both entered into the theater together. With time went on， more and more people came for the show. Lang Lang appeared on the stage at 7 p.m.， when the audience cheered up. He began to play piano after taking his seat. We enjoyed more programs， such as folk song and classical music. It is one of the most meaningful experiences.

When I arrived at my home after the concert， I decided to work hard to improve my lessons. Lang Lang have set a good example for me. I want to become a pop singer. Because I like pop music very much. I know I will meet a lot of failures in the future， but I will never give up. I will insist until my dream is come ture. I believe myself.

I think I will succeed.

●段落分析●

段落一

1I was told there would have a concert in the city theatre， this made me very happy because I fond of music. 2I rose up early in the morning so that I can buy some tickets for Jim， a good friend of mine， and I. 3When I got there， I was surprised to see lots of people waiting in line to buy tickets at the entrance of the box office. 4Though I spent an hour for the tickets， but I thought it was well worth doing. 5Getting the tickets， my heart felt great. 6I called Jim and told him the time to go to the concert on time and he said yes to me.

修改意見(該部分只涉及原段落中出錯的句子，表達是否地道不在該部分討論，地道表達請參照本文末尾處的“地道語篇”。)

句1 I was told there would have a concert in the city theatre， this made me very happy because I fond of music.

錯誤①:英語中不能用逗號“，”連接兩個在語意上完整的句子。故可在this前加并列連詞and，也可將this改為關系代詞which，構成由which引出的非限制性定語從句;

錯誤②:句中have須改為be，構成 “there be”結構。

錯誤③:受中文思維影響，將形容詞fond誤判為動詞，故原因狀語從句應改為...because I am fond of music.

句2 I rose up early in the morning so that I can buy some tickets for Jim， a good friend of mine， and I.

錯誤①:主句和從句時態不一致，根據語境可知，應將can改為could。

錯誤②:“起床”可以表示為get up或rise。例:

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy， wealthy and wise. (Prov.)

早睡早起，富裕聰明身體好。(諺語)

錯誤③:句末的 “I”在句中作介詞for的賓語，應改為me。

句3 When I got there， I was surprised to see lots of people waiting in line to buy tickets at the entrance of the box office.

正確表達:the entrance to the box office。

句4 Though I spent an hour for the tickets，but I thought it was well worth doing.

錯誤①:受中文“雖然……，但是……”影響，造成連詞多余，英語中二者只用其一，通常情況下應去掉but，或刪除though，保留but;類似用法有原因狀語從句中的because和so。

錯誤②:句中for應改為on，與spend構成搭配。

錯誤③:根據句意，worth后的do為實義動詞，表示“做”，故其后缺賓語。

句5 Getting the tickets，my heart felt great.

正確表達:置于句首的分詞短語必須與句子的語法主語保持一致，否則寫出的句子是荒唐的。例:

Reading the letter，her face turned red. (╳)

分析:

上句中，“讀信”應是“她”發出的動作，而非“她的臉”發出，故可改為:

Reading the letter， she felt her face turn red. 或

When she read the letter， her face turned red.

原句中“getting the tickets”的動作發出者不是“my heart”，而是“I”，故原句可改為:Getting the tickets，I felt great. 或After I got the tickets，my heart felt great.

改后段落

Having been told the news that a concert would be held in the city theatre， I got extremely happy because I’m fond of music. In order to get some tickets， I got up early. To my surprise， I found lots of people waiting in line for tickets when I got to the box office. Though it took me an hour to wait， I thought it worthwhile to do so. When I called Jim telling him that the performances would be put on in the evening， he gladly agreed to come without delay.

段落二

1It was evening when we both entered into the theater together. 2With time went on， more and more people came for the show. Lang Lang appeared on the stage at 7 p.m.， when the audience cheered up. 3He began to play piano after taking his seat. 4We enjoyed more programs， such as folk song and classical music. It is one of the most meaningful experiences.

修改意見

句1 It was evening when we both entered into the theater together.

錯誤表達: 表示“進入某處”時，enter為及物動詞，無需在后加into，但可說go/come into...。

句2 With time went on， more and more people came for the show.

錯誤表達:表示“隨著時間的推移”，可用短語 “with time going on...”，也可用從句 “As time went on...”。

句3 He began to play piano after taking his seat.

錯誤表現:表示“吹、拉、彈、奏”要加定冠詞the， 故piano前須加the。

句4 We enjoyed more programs， such as folk song and classical music.

錯誤表現:根據句意，句中song應使用復數形式，即:songs。英語句子中的單數可數名詞不能單獨存在，要么是在其前加限定詞，要么是使用其復數形式，具體的變化形式取決于語境需要。

改后段落

It was evening when we both entered the theater together. With time going on， more and more people came for the show. Lang Lang appeared on the stage at 7 p.m.， when the audience cheered up. He began to play the piano after taking his seat. We enjoyed more programs， such as folk songs and classical music. It is one of the most meaningful experiences.

段落三

When I arrived at my home after the concert， I decided to work hard to improve my lessons. 1Lang Lang have set a good example for me. 2I want to become a pop singer. Because I like pop music very much. I know I will meet a lot of failures in the future， but I will never give up. 3I will insist until my dream is come ture. I believe myself.

I think I will succeed.

修改意見

句1 Lang Lang have set a good example for me.

錯誤①:在特定時態中的主謂不一致，尤其是在含有現在時的句子中，當主語為第三人稱單數、不定式、動名詞短語或從句等時，句子謂語動詞須與主語保持數上的一致。故應將原句中的have改為has。

錯誤②:“為……樹立榜樣”:set an example to sb。

句2 I want to become a pop singer. Because I like pop music very much.

錯誤表現:句中錯誤地將從屬于主句的狀語從句獨立成句，從句在句中起狀語作用，是句子的一成分，不能獨立成句。若上句成立，則下句也是正確的:I saw a moive. Last night. 正確表達應為:I saw a movie last night.

句3 I will insist until my dream is come ture.

錯誤①:靜態動詞(表狀態)與動態動詞(表動作)同時出現在簡單句中的主語之后(非and連接的并列謂語)，造成謂語動詞多余，此時多表現為系動詞多余。原句中已有謂語動詞come，故應去掉is;例:

She is likes him but she isn’t love him. (╳)

She likes him but she doesn’t love him. (√)

錯誤②:注意單詞true的正確拼寫。

改后段落

When arriving home from the concert， I decided to work hard to improve my lessons. Lang Lang has set a good example to me. I want to become a pop singer because I like pop music very much. I know I will meet a lot of failures in the future， but I will never give up. I will insist until my dream comes true. I believe in myself.

I think I will succeed.

●地道語篇●

下文是在針對原段落中單詞拼寫、時態、詞性及句法等錯誤更正的基礎上，結合英語表達的習慣搭配、遣詞造句、段落特點及篇章結構所作出的修正:

July 24 Sunny

An Unforgettable Day

At the news that a concert would be held in the city theatre， I got overjoyed because I’ve been a music lover. Getting up early in the morning， I rushed to the box office to get tickets for me and my close friend Jim， who shares the same hobby as me. When I got there， I found that people had crowded the narrow entrance to the ticket office. However， I was able to get two at last. Later， I reminded Jim by phone of the exact time of the evening performances， and he promised to turn up without any hesitation.

When evening fell， we both entered the theatre together. As time went on， more and more people came for the show. When the clock struck 7， Lang Lang， a world-class pianist， appeared on the stage. A great cheer went up from the audience. Taking his seat， he began to play the piano. With sounds of music filling the theatre， I enjoyed myself the whole evening. In the programs that followed， we enjoyed folk songs as well as classical music. What an unforgettable experience!

Upon arrival at my home from the concert， I’m determined to work hard at my lessons at school. Lang Lang’s success has set a shining example to me. My big dream has been to be a pop star， for pop music is my favorite. Despite the coming failures and hardships on the way to my career， I shall overcome them until my dream comes true. Besides， I know that life is not easy for me. I must insist， and above all， I must believe in myself. I’ll work harder until I succeed.

I’m sure I shall make it.

編輯/梁宇清